I Knew You Were Trouble

Hey guys, so it's two days past new years and I'm already breaking the be more confident. But I said I would try, it doesn't mean I'll be good at it. But this post isn't about my new years resolutions, cause come on it's been 2 days, I have a year to do the stuff on my list. I'm actually confused, and wish I had a little sister to talk things out with about, but I don't and I know my friends are busy with others things, so I turn to you guys, and in this case maybe you guys is no one, but it's nice to just write things down. Obviously I do own a journal, but I made this blog a little over a year ago to share with you guys my experiences, so I figure why not, since this is what the blog is made for, although I have some readers that I would have never thought would read my blog. A lot of you might have noticed that sometimes my posts are random, or they switch gears really randomly, like one minute I'm headed one direction and the next I'm going the other way, but that's cause all my posts are written in one shot. Or as one shot as I try to make it cause sometimes I do get distracted with family or other things. But they are not planned out and they are not spell checked and proofread (although if I notice a mistake, I try to fix it). I don't reread through my posts after they have been posted, this is seriously like a journal type blog, so please bear with me and my random thoughts.

So what I'm confused about tonight is a guy, and ST and W and even O, you don't have to keep reading cause you already know what the issue is. But I just want to get all my feelings down and then see for myself how I really feel and how I should go about my confusion, hopefully it doesn't just confuse me more than it already has, cause it seems like every time I try to figure this out, it just gets worse.

So I've talked about L before and there have been a lot of negative things about him, but he's not always a complete ass. I can't remember what the first ting I said about him is, but I remember telling you guys that I was showing interest in him, whether that was this year or last year (I really can't remember when he first showed up on my blog). But in real life, it been more than a year. You know that guy that you kind of like, but you don't at the same time, like the one that you love and hate at the same time. Ya that's what I feel with him, and the thing is, maybe I just realized this as I'm writing it, but he has the potential to be a really good best guy friend. I mean he isn't like a lot of the guys I know cause most of them are studious and in a sense "good." He's smart in his own ways, and he's got a pretty good sense in style, like I would want to walk around shopping with him cause he would totally try on the clothes I get him. He's bad in a sense, not totally bad ass being a thug bad, but he's not the best influence I can be around. But he has his quirks, he's fun to argue with and to be silly around, and on some level I feel very comfortable around him.

So what confuses me? Well I don't know if I like like him and see him as a potential boyfriend, or I just like being around him and want him as just a friend. The thing is I kind f see myself going out with him, but at the same time I don't, and ST is right, I'm scared of being in a relationship, like I like the idea, but when it clicks that it might be real, I freak and friendzone a lot of people. And the thing is, how can someone who likes the idea of relationships so much be scared of them? Well cause I always see the bad sides of them, I've helped my friends with a fair share of heartbreak (and well I've nursed a few of my own) and it's scary, all the hurt that falls out from so much love. I don't know if I'm ready to deal with all of that. And obviously I know that I will never know unless I put myself out there ad try, but I'm scared. Scared that I'm not good enough, or that the relationship will end really badly, and the thing is I get attached very easily, so it's going to be hard for me when I go through my first break up with someone. The rejection I've faced once, and that was a shock, although I was expecting it. So I think I'm just scared of not being rejected by the ones I love, or being abandoned by them when they see that I'm not as nice as they think I am.

So back to L, I don't know if I like him like him, and a lot of times when it's just us two, I always think, maybe I should just kiss him and get this over with. Cause maybe kissing him would tell me if I really like him or not, cause I remember my first kiss and I didn't feel anything from that other than the loud booming music in the background. So maybe when we kiss someone we actually like we do feel fireworks or whatever. And I always think that, which annoys me, cause a) I don't normally think things like "hey let's just kiss" and b) I'm not that bold! But something about him just, I don't know, makes me want to really find out if I like him or not, and I'll admit, I have a hard time figuring out if I like a guy or not, but with him, it's like the harder I try, the more blurred the lines become. There are sides to him which I like and others that I'm a little wishy washy about, but all in all, he's a good kid.

I like that when I'm with him, we can sit in silence, I used to sit with him on the bus for 20 minutes in complete silence and it wouldn't be awkward, well at first when I didn't know him that well then obviously it was awkward, but we got to a point where we just sat next to each other or facing one another and it would be fine to just listen to our music and not talk, with a lot of other people, I feel the need to fill the silence even though it's not awkward to begin with. With him, it's just nice to sit there and enjoy the company. Also I like that he's open, like he would complain about work to me and tell me about the girls that have rejected him (which always turns out to be pretty entertaining), and he would tell me how he doesn't like his parents much, or his brother for that matter, and he would also tell me his plans for school and his future living conditions, now don't get all "He's totally into you!" yet, cause I know he tells other people about this stuff too. I'm not the only special one that gets into the mind of L. Although I know he likes to vent about stuff with me, I don't know if he also does this with BD, which kind of annoys me, cause you guys know how much I love her -.- And if you didn't I just made it completely evident. They are pretty good friends, so maybe they both talk shit about me behind my back, but that is besides the point. I don't know who else he would tell his stories to besides me, so I don't feel special in regards to that point.

The thing about him is that he has a lot of characteristics of what I don't look for in a guy, I mean he smokes pot, he dropped out of school (although he's going back to school this semester), he parties all the time, gets wasted a lot. But he also has a plan for where he wants to be headed, and even though a lot of the times things get in the way of his plans, he plans around them. Like he just lost his job twice in the past 4 months be he isn't going to let that stop him from planning to move out and to go on vacations to really cool places around the world. Although I know he's bummed and piss about it, he's not the time to sit around and complain about it and mope around. He'll get up and try looking for other jobs and still go out with friends. He's also one of the guy that will brush up on things he doesn't know and is pretty strongly opinionated. When I'm with him, it's like being with a good friend, I can just be myself, no need to impress or to show off and I'm pretty relaxed around him, I would push him around and joke around with him. Although I've noticed that I have a hard time looking him in the eye (just like everyone else I'm close to). It's a habit, I think I'm scared of seeing that they judge me as I talk or do something, or it's a low self esteem thing.

Is it normal that I have been thinking about all this stuff with L for over a year? In my head it isn't, I mean I barely know the kid! And according to a lot of people, I make him sound like as asshole, and I think I may have a point making him sound that way, I mean he's told me that he is only interested in girls that register as a 5 or higher on his list and that I am not in that category. Today when we met up for bubble tea, I noticed that his eyes traveled south from my face a few times, and for long enough for me to notice too.

But at the same time, I like how he was being honest with me in telling me that BD hates me, not that I didn't know before hand, I mean she makes it really obvious. Right now a bunch of us are in the running to be manager at work. BD is already the manager, but if she leave I'm next in line and L also believes that he is in the running, but my boss has stated many times that he is not. And apparently BD made a statement making it sound like I want to steal her job even thought she is still working for my boss, and from that L told me that she was being very hateful about it. It was funny hearing it from him since I know that they are pretty good friends. I am glad that since BD is staying manager, I won't have to take the position and feel bad about being manager even though L wanted the position too. I mean, I wouldn't mind taking it from BD but i consider L a friend, so I would feel bad about it.

So I guess this post didn't really help with anything other than make me realize that I want to keep him around cause after all he is a  friend. So that's a start right? And I think I would rather keep him as a friend than be something more with him, at least that's what I get after writing the post.

Sorry it got so long though, I wasn't expecting it to be this long, and I deviated a lot from the actual goal of the post, but I can't control my thoughts, I'm only human :P

I guess I'll end this post with a quote from Taylor Swift: "I knew you were trouble when you walked in." I could not have explain it better myself, and right now this is one of my favorite songs and people say that your favorite songs are your favorite because they speak to you in a sense.

-J

Best Friends

You know you are surrounded by very good friends when they are all willing to drop what they're doing and help you in your time of need.

I've been down in a funk lately and work really hasn't helped especially with Midterms coming up. I worked 23 hours this weekend (not in 3 days in 2!). I was super tired from Saturdays shift and I knew my boss wasn't going to let me go home early on Sunday cause I was the only Operations Manager in, so I had to suck it up and do my 12 hour shift. But as it turns out, by the end of the night, I was the only person left to close all the stores... cause he took the manager with him for a catering job. I was already pissed all day, I was with a girl I didn't like, I was having mood swings all day, and then to close the stores, I had to stay an extra hour and almost a half! I was so pissed cause I worked 13 hour and only got a freaking 20 minute break! 1) that is not legal 2) My boss was a fricking idiot (Yes I told him to his face in a not so nice way) and 3) it's not even moral on his part to make me work this much. At least he had the decency to drive me home. i left a huge mess in one of the stores, but I know he wouldn't say a word to me cause I was so pissed at him. i finished after the buses for Laronde ended and after the last metro. I even swore at a customer, that never EVER happens. It was a horrible day to say the least.

But eve since Thursday I've been feeling stressed and depressed and this really just pushed me of the edge. I just completely broke down today, on the bus! ON THE BUS? Like who does that? Well obviously me. So I got off 8 stops early and called H and we talked until I got home.

I was also on the phone with ST for 2 hours last night talking stuff over.

I'm just glad I have all my close circle of friends supporting me. And it may be selfish of me to say, it's nice to know that they all care about me so much. They put aside what they were doing, studying, preparing for labs, getting ready, anything just to talk to me over the past few days. it truly is amazing.

I know half of them don't read this blog, but thank you to H, ST, W, Y, and AB  for being there for me when I needed them, cause honestly without them, I wouldn't know what to do right now. They support me and are willing to be there for me all the time. And sometimes I feel bad using up all their time when they have other things to do. I love these friends to death.

And as I was writing this, an earthquake hit Montreal. It's like the Earth is moved by my friends too :P

I just hope I can be there for my friends when they need me, just liek how they are always there for me when I need them.

-J

Looking at the Future

Hey guys!

So I've finished book 18 for the summer (sorry ST, I know I said 19... I miss counted).

One of my friends is moving to ttawa this weekend... I haven't really spoken aout her on my blog, but she is present in my life She's one of those people who are mean honest to you, and even though you know they are being honest, her comments hurt. Like you should be able to sencor your thoughts before saying them type mean. But she's nice, I'll let you guys know her as S, this actually might be her first and last time showing up on my blog since she's moving and I don't know how often we'll be able to talk or hang out. So yes, S is sometimes mean and hurtful, but she is always there to listen and there to lend a hand, and even though she is mean, I'm glad she is around to offer her opinion, cause even though it's mean, it gives you an insight on what people think of you.

This post isn't just about me talking about her though :P For those who are interested in H news, well good news! We've been talking again! He just got back from a vacation in Cuba. And he apologized for this Awolness. He says that he isn't good at staying in touch with people, which probably mean that if I want to be his friend, I must be the annoying one that bugs him all the time so we don't drift apart.... Oh how things don't change from CEGEP all that much... But yes, we will keep in touch no matter what >.< and whether he likes it or not, I've already warned him. We have a class together this semester, so maybe it won't be all that hard :) AA has promised to be my study buddy since we don't have any classes together. SB is well, non existent :P I haven't talked to him since about mid/end June... I also have a class with W, and I'm sure we'll be seeing a lot more of each other, at least this year... I can't say about the years after that though. I have a feeling I'm going to have a whole new set of friends by the end of this year, which kinda scares me but at the same time gets me excited. I mean I'll miss everyone cause it'll be different in a sense and some of the people I'm friends with right now are friends from High school, and they are friendships I want to keep for a long time and hope that these people will grow and change with me, maybe not in the same ways and not through the same experiences, but I would like to see them in my future. And by them I mean W, BB, O, Y, ST, AK, and maybe even H, if we end up keeping in touch. Of course I've said this about many friendships over the years and I haven't really been in touch with some people for a long long time, so I know I'll end up loosing some of these people in the long run a well, but I'm hoping I won't.

Also, this school year I shall be employed to work about 10-15 hours a week (I know! Perfect hours for students who want  bit of pocket change). I don't need the job for the money though, it's more for my CV and just keeping myself busy. I've noticed that when I have free time I tend to procrastinate, I noticed that last year, when I was still working I focused a lot more on school and actually did better in school despite less time studying. Now this could have been due to the fact that it was because it was the beginning of the semester, but it actually went through midterms and a few papers, and I started the year off better than I ended (well in some classes). I did better in my Biology and Physics lass as the year progressed, which was a big surprise. But I noticed that while I worked, I was more set to do things because I knew I wouldn't have time for it later, I managed my time a lot better, and hopefully this helps in University as well.

Now I know some of you may be waiting for me o find a new love interest or decide on which guy I actually like, but to be honest, I don't think I like anyone at the moment, yes I find some people at work good looking and I like being around them, but I don't like them like them... It's hard to explain, but I have a feeling some of you guys know what I'm talking about. And it's kind of annoying how a lot of my friends suddenly say things like "You and H looked like such a cute couple" or "I always though your feelings were reciprocal" or "You guy were like a couple, all you were missing was a kiss" and it's kind of like, I'm trying to get over this kid, and even though you give me positive things about the relationship we could have/kind of did have, it's not helping me get over the fact that he said he didn't like me. But it also helps me in a way (I know, I'm weird) because it makes me feel a little better because now I know he did kind of give signs that other people were able to read and I wasn't just looking into things... so for those friends reading this, I don't know if I hate of don't mind the comments. I also still get a lot of "Maybe you and SB had something going on" and I'm just like argh, why does everyone think that?! There is nothing wrong with SB let me get that clear right away, but it's just that I didn't like him that way. SB is actually a really smart, humble, funny and really cute. Sometimes I ask myself why I didn't like him instead (just like some of you), but hearts are known to be difficult creatures and we often don't have a choice in the matters of the heart.

Anyways, this will be the end of this post, because I have to get going to bed since I have work tomorrow. I hope you guys are okay with me not posting as much as I have been this summer since I have work and school and studying, and I still semi want to have a life. But of course I'll still tell you guys about bigger things that are happening :)

See you guys soon,
-J

I Wonder...

Don't you ever look back on something and think "What if..."?

What if I did this or that, or what if I didn't do this or that. Don't you ever wonder what life would be like if you took a different decision at different times in your life. Do you ever wonder if maybe you would be happier, sadder, more successful, more popular, gotten a promotion, gotten fired and so on. If you answer no, you have never wonders about stuff like that, I have one thing to say to you: "You are a liar." We have all thought of things like this once or twice or maybe a million if you're like me. We have all looked into the past and regretted a decision that we have made. We are not perfect beings who always make the right decision, ever decision we make has it's casualties. By choosing a path, we loose out chances of seeing or doing whatever the other path would have led us to. We are humans, and humans experience nostalgia and that is what brings us back in time to wonder about the decisions we have made in our lives.

About 50% of you are probably thinking that you have taken every right decision, whereas the other 50% are thinking "I do wish I did this one/many thing(s)..."

Well I fall into the last 50%. The ones who wonder if changing one thing in their past may change who they are today for the better. I'm not saying I regret every that I have done up to this day, and at the same time I do believe that my options were the right ones, as far as I know anyways. But sometimes I think, what if I did this back in 6th grade, or what I never freaked this guy out, or what if I was never friends with BF, would my life be better? Would my walls not be up so high? Would I be where I am today?

We all have thoughts like this, those of you who deny, maybe it's time to let these thoughts come into your head, because it will allow you to know yourself a little more. Cause you know what people say, "To love others, one must love oneself first." So get to know yourself, accept who you are, accept your mistakes, accept your missed chances and learn to accept yourself for who you are.

-J

A Shoulder to Lean On

You know when you have a good friend? And you know that no matter what, they have a shoulder for you to cry on or lean on? Well, today I found one, well, I always knew it was there for me, but I realized today that I like this shoulder A LOT :P. It was comfy, like a pillow, and fit like a glove (does that make sense when I'm referring to a shoulder?) But anyways, yes, I found a shoulder to lean on. This shoulder belongs to H, now some of you guys may be rolling your eyes, and going of course it's him you doofus! You talk about him all the time! But remember I was having my doubts with him. I'm never sure if we're both in each others friend zones, or we might actually have something going on, and once again, I am kind of hopeless when it comes to guys. But today, I felt very comfortable leaning my head on his shoulders. I would usually feel awkward doing it, but it really didn't, it actually felt very natural to me. The thing is I've thought of doing this to people in the past, H, AA and maybe two others in my whole entire life. With AA it was just cause we were in class and I was tired, and he was sitting next to me, and it was 8AM and you know zzz... The same went for the other two guys. But with H, I've thought of it pretty often, but I've never done it till today. He started putting his head on my shoulder first, and then I did it. We just sat there like that, my head on his shoulder, his head on my head. And we were in public, at our volunteer thing. But it felt so natural, I have no other way of describing it, I don't know if it was awkward for him, but to me, it felt right. It wasn't awkward, it wasn't weird, I didn't feel like I shouldn't be doing it, it was just right. I really have no other way of describing it.

And ST just told me when we got home that she thought we looked cute together and that she thinks we would make a cute couple. This of course made me super happy, so thank you ST!

The only thing I hate though it that sometimes I feel like we have something, then I feel like it's not there the next day, but then I still enjoy my time being spent with him. And I know I said I would be okay if he dated someone else as long as we were friends, or at least I think I said that. I just realized today that I'm not. In no way would I want to see him with another girl. I know it's selfish of me, because he should be happy, but I know that I wouldn't be able to handle it. It would be too much for me. I realized this when we were with other girls, and seeing him with them made me jealous, it wasn't as bad before, but today, it just really hit home. And some of you may be thinking, but of course, after your whole head on his shoulder thing, you should feel jealous, but this happened before that. Usually I let it slide, but today I wasn't able to let it slide, it just really really bugged me.

This whole thing is just getting so complicated in my head, and I seriously wish I could just tell him how I feel, but I still don't feel ready, and at the same time, I don't know when the right time would be...

-J

Won't Give Up Yet!

Hey guys!

Sorry for my last post, I know it was a little depressing, but what can I say, I was in a bummed mood yesterday, although I shouldn't have been because I got very exciting news yesterday! I made it into my first choice university pick! I'm so excited about it! But I was also bummed yesterday. I talked it out with ST, so I'm good now. And just so I get this out, I am not giving up on H, too many people have said they see something between us for me to give up.

So I'm just going to start by saying that ST knew who I liked without me telling her... she is one good stalker (running joke between us). But she knew and told me that we have great chemistry, and that when we are both around she feels like a third wheel. I don't think we are that intimate around her as to exclude her from our conversations or make her feel uncomfortable. But then again I've had other friends tell me that we are extremely close. So maybe I am too deep int he friend zone, but whatever the case, we definitely have something, and right now I'm okay even if we just end up being friends for ever. I just want to keep him in my life. There is no way I'm going to let what happened with U, repeat itself with H.

But I'm not going to give up as long as I still feel special around him, and as long as he's single :P even if he were dating someone, I would be by his side, being his friend. Sad thought, but I would have been through worse.

Wish me luck!

-J

Maybe It's Time to Let Go...

So lately I've been talking to a few friends about H. I've been getting mixed opinions about or "relationship" for a lack of a better word. The thing is, I'm still as confused as ever about this, and I have no idea what to do.I mean, I want to tell him, but at the same time I don't want things to get weird between us if he doesn't feel the same way. I really don't see us going out, it's a sad thought, but it's true. The thing is, I do wish we can go out, cause a few people have said that we look very cute together, and the thing is we do totally click. But as O pointed out o me a while back, we may be too deep in the friend zone to do anything about it. I do have people telling me that they could see us going out, and even people I don't talk to much about guys. They say that they see some chemistry between us and that we are very cute around one another. We do get along and we like to joke around a lot, and the other day he kept hugging me randomly, but that may just he H, or the lack of blood due to blood donation. But it was nice, but I can't help notice that we haven't been talking as much lately, I feel like we are slowly drifting apart, but it's something so sudden. And if we are, I'm really not ready to let him go yet. When I see him with other girls, I get jealous, I admit it, I always wish the girl he was with was me. I just can't help my heart.

And no matter how much I tell myself we won't be together, I can't help but feel so special around him, and hope that we might actually work out.

-J

I Wonder...

I have a feeling I am very clueless when I comes to boys, and whether they might like me or not. Of course sometimes I am on the ball, which makes me wonder how I missed this one. I mean all the signs were there, and a lot of people suspected something. But I was pretty much clueless the whole time, or I just didn't want to believe it, I guess. Before this gets anymore confusing, let me tell you guys.

So, you guys all know who AA is. I think that he used to or still likes me. I never really realized, and to be honest I did have a crush on him a while back. So here are the reasons I think he likes/liked me:

1. He always noticed little things about me, the way I raise my voice when I say "I'm sorry." The way I always lift my shoulders when I'm irritated, the faces I made when I was feeling a certain way. My hair color and yes, even my zits :(
2. He always imitated me, my "I'm sorry" elevating his voice. He would imitate the way I lift my shoulders, and sometimes we were so in sync, we would lift them together. He also copied all the facial expressions I would make.
3. He gave me hugs all the time, and I never see him hugging others.
4. He was always asking me where I was during exam times, even if he was already with other people. Always asking if we could study together, even if he's way smarter than me.
5. He would share a locker with me (even if I have a locker buddy and he has his own locker).
6. He makes time for me. If he's at skating practice, and I text him, he would call me as soon as he was done or on a little break. If he's driving, he would call me anyways.
7. He grabbed my hand in school once (to be fair, he took my hand to drag me somewhere).
8. He kinda asked me out, and I kind of rejected without noticing (proves how clueless I am).
9. When he got injured he texted me to update me on what happened (although it was a few days later, but we haven't talked for a while. Yes this is recent, it happened today).

So I may be clueless, but I think these are signs that he may have been into me, or he may just be a really good friend :P Either way, I noticed when he told me he got injured, I got really worried and was willing to go to the hospital and see him. And when I found out he was at home, I felt relieved, although I may feel this way for any other friend, it's surprising that I feel such a strong connection to him. We were never really that close.

And to argue that I'm not that clueless, I will say that he is extremely religious and doesn't seem like the type to date outside of his religion... that's one reason why I thought it would not be possible. the next would have to be his ex. She is smart, and well, a bitch. So I would never expect to be his type.

But I probably missed my chance when I accidentally rejected him. I guess I'll have to see how this story works out, but at the same time, I don't think I want to, cause I know I don't feel the same way about AA as I do with H. So much stuff going on...

-J

He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not...

Here's my list of why I think H likes me, and why he might not:

Likes:

• He compliments me a lot
• He tells me if somethings on his mind
• He texts me everyday
• He helps me out whenever I need help, no matter how annoying
• He listens to me complain about EVERYTHING
• He's honest with me
• He lets me see the true him
• He calls me smart
• He doesn't judge me
• He calls me pretty
• Good night texts
• He tries to cheer me up when I'm upset

Likes Me Not:

• He still thinks about his ex
• He's still hangs out with his old crush
• I'm too deep in the friend-zone
• Different beliefs (I hope this one isn't a reason for why he wouldn't like me) 

I don't know, sometimes I wish I could just read people's minds. But I would want to be able to control who's mind I'm listening to and when. Wouldn't that be convenient? It sure would! No more having to guess stuff like I am now.

At the same time, I wish I could tell him how I feel about him... But I'm afraid he says he doesn't feel the same way, or that he's still getting his ex (which he kind of is). But it's just when I'm with him, we're always smiling and joking, and pushing each other around. I just like how I can be myself around him, and not worry about what he thinks.

-J

The λ Test

So I know I've mentioned this before, but sometimes I like to not text or call or message H and see if he would be the first to text me or to message me. I don't know what the name for this is, so I've dubbed it the λ (lambda) test. For those of you who don't know, λ is L is the Greek alphabet. So I find naming it the "L test" is pretty efficient. Now I don't know if there is such a thing as a λ test, so if there is please tell me.

For those of you who don't know what I'm talking about. Here is an explanation. My λ test, is a test trial of sorts to know if I'm in someones mind. I refrain from texting and/or calling and/or messaging someone and see if they would be the first to start a conversation. If they do it means that they think about me, and like to talk to me (or simply need something from me, but let's not talk about that), and if not it means a) they are too busy to talk b) too shy to start the conversation of c) don't want to walk to me. I use it sometimes to see if H will start a convo with me rather then me starting them all the time. And most of the time it is a successful test. He would text me the day i decide to start the test, or the next.


So you want to know if that special someone likes you, or if they think about you? Try out the λ test, and hope that the other person isn't doing this too :P


-J

Love Sucks

There is no other way of putting it. Love sucks. It's the one thing that makes us feel lonely, stay up late at night, and makes us constantly worry, amoung many other things. When we find love, we are happy, when we loose love we are sad, when we are in love, we yearn. There is always a feeling associated with love. and more often than other, this feeling is sadness or yearning. I'm not saying that love is a bad thing. No, in fact I think that being in love is one of the best feelings in the world, no matter what kind of emotions are associated with it. What I'm saying is that sometimes, I wonder if it's all worth it. To go through all of this, even though you know what you're chasing is an impossible goal.

For someone like me, I feel like the goal is always an impossible one. A love that is always felt in only one direction. I always fall for the wrong guys, the douche, the friend, the ones that I know don't like me the same way I like them. As as much as I want to tell my heart not to fall for these guys, I continuously do anyways. Can someone please tell my heart to stop? Cause it seems like every time I fall for someone, I just end up more miserable. I'm not saying that anything is wrong with my crush on H, I'm just saying that I don't think we'll ever work out. I means religion does come into play, but that is not may main issue. What I'm worried about is what he thinks of me. I know I'm not a perfect person, I have so many flaws they can't be counted with both hands and feet. But he seems to truly like me for who I am, and he see's the real me that many others seem to never see. He understand what I go through, and we have a lot of common flaws as well. And despite my earlier post about being out of the friend-zone, I'm still scared that he might think of me as just a really good friend.

He's told me before that he trusts me and he tells me stuff he only tells people he's super close to, but that doesn't clear me from the friend-zone. In fact that may just push me further into it, and although we avoid using the words "friend" and "buddy" when talking to one another, doesn't mean he doesn't think it. Yes, we've only known each other for a year, but he is really one of the closest people to me right now. I feel like I can tell him anything, and he will understand and help me get through it. and I know he feels the same way because we've been dumping stuff on each other for a while now. In this little year we've known each other, well six months that we've really know each other, we have really gotten to know each other, and I am so blessed and thankful to have him in my life. He's the one that keeps me smiling when I'm sad, and keeps me up when I'm down. And I hope I do the same for him, because a part of love is to always be there for those you love.

Having a crush on him is so hard though, I just know that no matter how much I want to tell him I like him, I won't. I feel like I can't do it, mostly because I don't want to find out he doesn't like me and because I don't want to lose him. But the more I think about it, the more I know that my crush on his is not going to go anywhere. I wish I could get him out of my mind, but I can't, the harder I try, the more he seems to stay. I wish there was a way for me to find out how you really feels about me, without me getting hurt.

-J

Happy Valentines Day! (or Single Awareness Day) ♥

Hey guys! So first of Happy Valentines Day to all the happy couples, and Happy Single Awareness Day to all the singles out there. And of course I still fall under Single Awareness Day.

So today really wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I expected a day full of self pity, no thanks to one of my friends who's getting over a break up. You see, when one of my friends is going through something I feel for them and think about them all of the time. Hence, I myself feel like I'm going through a break up. But today really wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Even the candy and hearts and teddy bears didn't bother me. Why? Because I myself received a Valentines Day present :) H gave me a VDay cookie :) It was a chocolate chip cookie in a tin with little candy hearts that said "Be Mine" in different languages. Of course I know it's not a gift of affection in that way, but he gave it to me nonetheless, although I refused to take it at first :P After I accepted it, he officially deemed me his Valentine. I shared the cookie though, so everyone who had a piece became his Valentine :P But still super sweet of him, and I secretly hope that maybe he did intend to give it to me and not have me share it.

 On the other hand, H and I are no longer in the friend zone, for those who don't know what that means, it means that you are only a friend int he eyes of someone, nothing more nothing less, you can also check this video out (x). A few weeks ago, we would still be saying "that's what friends are for," "you're a good friend," "you're one of the closer friends I have," "I only tell stuff like this to my closest friends." Now we never call each other friends, that was suddenly dropped for both of us. When we talk now, it's more like "You're one of the closest people to me right now," "You're the best," "I'll always be here for you." So out of the friend zone and into something new? I'm not sure, but one thing is for sure, our connection got way deeper since we're helping each other out with something very personal to one another. Who knows what might happen? I sure don't...

If you might have some advice, comments, anything, let me know. Anything may be helpful at this point.

-J

What Am I to Say?

This is a post dedicated to someone, and although I would never say it to them, or send it to them, it's the answer to the questions they've been asking me.

Did I do the right thing?
"I don't know if you did the right thing, I really don't. And I can't tell you if you did the right thing either, because a) I'm not you, and b) my answer would be bias. And I'm not a mean person, so I can't say "Yes, you did do the right thing" because you still love her. And no matter what I say, that won't change. I can say I hope you did to the right thing again and again, but that won't change how you feel about me. It won't make you realize that someone cares about you so much more than you think. It won't make you realize you like me either. You're depressed, and that's because you feel like you shouldn't have let her go. I know you still love her, and so do you, so the answer should be "No, you didn't the right thing" right? But the thing is I don't want you to go back to her, because I don't want to see you with another girl. But I have to say that you might have made the right choice, because you yourself want her to be happy and find someone else, you justified the reasons for your breakup. And this will get you to turn a new leaf."

Should I go into another relationship?
"My answer is no, not because I don't to see you with another woman, but because you shouldn't rush into anything. Especially when you know it's not going to be anything serious. First off, you're just going to end up hurting yourself and the person you get into a relationship with. I don't want you hurting yourself anymore than you are now. And I don;t want you to feel guilty for breaking another girls heart after you end that "rebound" relationship. I want you to be whole again and go find someone that's right for you, even if that person isn't me. I want you to be happy, and I know it may be stupid to say considering that I like you so much, but trust me, I would rather you see happy and not in my arms than see you sad and alone or with me.But I'm not going to let go until I know that you love the person you're going to ask out."

What if there is someone for me out there, and I just threw her away?
"If you were meant to be with her, then you guys will find your way back to one another. If you truly were you guys will somehow get back together. But if you guys don't then you'll find someone else, just like she did. And yes, a lot of us have already met the person we were meant to be, but so many of us also haven't met that person yet. maybe you're one of the people that hasn't. Or maybe you do know the person, but just don't know it's them yet. We all spend our lives looking for just the right person, so focused that we never notice the person that was perfect for us until it's too late. Just give it time, your heart will mend, although the scar will always be there, and you will find the right girl. That I can promise you."

Sincerely,
Your secret admirer,
-J

First Love

Why is it that our first love is the hardest one to get over? Why is it the one that we never want to let go of? What makes it the special relationship that we always go back to in our lives? Can it be because it is in fact simply our first? The first time we ever fell for someone, the newness of the whole experience? And since it's our first, there is nothing to compare it to. Nothing to ruin the idea of love. It's all new and we all need to explore it before finding the flaws.

Everything new to us is something spectacular and amazing, we never forget the firsts. And love is no exception. We all remember who our first crush was, we all remember our first best friend, etc. The first anything is always what we go back and compare our current situation to. And most of the time, the first is something that can't be beat.

So what does make a first love so interesting? I  honestly have no idea. But I can say that I still do think of the first person I feel in love with, a lot more than I would like to admit. And I think it;s the innocence around it all that we all want to go back to. When you fall for the first time, it;s the first, there is no ex to think about. It's just you and the person you're in love with, no bad history, nothing to be afraid of. But once it is over, we are afraid to be hurt by someone again, we become cautious around the ones that we might potentially fall in love with, and that stops us from loving as wholeheartedly as the first person. And every time we fall for someone after that, although the relationship may be perfect, we are still somewhat guarded, afraid that once again we might be hurt.

-J

A Glass of Wine for One?

So as most of you guys know Valentine's Day is coming up! For all the couples out there I am extremely happy that you guys have found someone special to you. For all the single ladies (me included), let us not spend this day feeling lonely. We all know that just because it's Valentine's day doesn't mean that the guy we like only loves us on this one day of the year. If they truly loved us, they would love us all year long (this goes to all you taken guys and girls as well!) We live in the 21st century, a girl can also ask a girl out, right? Heck yes! so all you girls out there, maybe the guy is too shy to ask, give it a shot, you never know till you do it right? And as I'm saying this, I will let you know that I have no intentions of telling H how I feel for the moment yet. That is something I will keep to myself a little longer unfortunately, I'm still working some feelings out. But I do hope to get some news about that to you guys sometimes soon, I know one particular reader that seems to want news about him :P (you know who you are). But all this set aside, although I'm not doing anything special on this Valentine's Day doesn't mean that I will be spending it feeling lonely.

Although seeing all the happy couples around me does make me sad, like it does every year. This year I know that although I'm not in a relationship I know that there is someone out there who thinks about me and worries about me (and no it is not a family member). An actual guy, someone who will remain letterless. But this person is very nice to me, and although we might not have romantic feelings for one another, I'm glad that I have a support at the moment. So thank you for that.

What I think about Valentine's Day is that it is just commercial holiday, like I've said before, you should be letting the person you like know that you love them everyday, not one day of the year because your calender and society says so. But that doesn't mean I don't want to receive flowers or roses on that day :P

So now you must be wondering why I have the title I have. Well this title is because I got a bottle of wine from H and SB on my birthday and I have yet to drink it. I don't know when I will, but when I do, it will probably be alone, maybe on Valentine's day (I kid). I guess, I was hoping I would be able to share it with either one of them, but clearly that won't be happening any time soon...

Till next time :)

-J

Friends

A friend is described by the Merriam-Webster dictionary as "one attached to another by affection or esteem". And I find that friends are very important people in our lives. I believe that every person has one friend, no matter what they believe, and what is amazing about friends is that they come in all forms and sometimes in the most unexpected places. And what is amazing about it is that you make them through emotions, you connect with your friends through shared emotions or common interests.

We make friends when we are mad, sad, happy, lost, and in all stages of our lives, young or old. We all appreciate company from people who truly care about us. However we have to remember that there are several types of friends. Friends can be like family, they can be like brothers and sisters, but family can also be friends. You can treat your brother/sister like a friend. I know I treat mine like friends :). 

But coming back to friends, we have different kinds, we have the ones that we see all the time, the ones that we do everything with and tell everything too. This group of friends usually consist of a little group of people usually from 1-4 friends, usually referred to as out best friend(s). 

Then we have friends, who are the people you hang out with a lot, but don't tell everything to, this can be anyone from a simple classroom friend to a work friend. Just someone you enjoy being around and that you have common interests with.

Then there are other friends, friends you don't see all the time, but when you do, you feel like you've been with them the whole time you were apart. The friends that you feel like you've known forever and can trust even though you have just met... 

Then there are the friends that use you for various things, homework, a fill in for someone else, a person that you can get things through... those are the friends that you want to let go of, the ones you know won't be there for you when you need them the most, the ones that will drop you in the blink of an eye and never look back.

The ones you want to keep forever are the ones that you know will be there for you forever, the ones that you enjoy being around, and the ones that you trust and hold dear to you heart, and most importantly they feel the same way about you. Unfortunately, we don't usually know which friends are true and which are false until something bad happens. I know I knew who my friends were when I was stuck in the situation with BF, my true friends stayed with me while I cried and complained for a long time, and the others simply left me alone and observed. There is also when I have my depression episodes, my true friends would stay with me and tell me that it's all good, and that I am perfect no matter what others may say about me or what I may even think about myself.

I am very grateful to have the friends I have at the moment, my true friends who are always going to be there for me, and I will always be there for them as well. Right now my close friends that I never want to be separated from can be counted with one hand, and I want to keep it that way, I like the close knit circle I have created with my friends, although one of these friends are not close with the others, I still cherish him, and hope that I will never loose him, because I know loosing him would break my heart. Maybe not as greatly as with my other friends, because loosing them will mark me forever. But he is still very special. He is the one I can trust with anything and the one that gives me advice straight from his heart, he doesn't give me what I want to hear, he gives me what I need to hear. 

So since I know most of the close friends mentioned in this post will be reading this, I want to say thank you for being my friend and sticking with me through all my ups and downs, all my moments, both bad and good. Thank you for being there for me.  You guys love me for who I am, no matter how ridiculous, you guys help me be true to myself and help me see who I truly am, even if I don't see it most of the time. You guys are like the light that cuts through the fog, and help me get to the other side safe and sound. You guys are truly the greatest friends I have, and I hope I have been there for you as much as you have been for me.

And to that one other friend, I know you'll probably never see this, but I hope I never loose you no matter what happens. I may be selfish for wanting to keep you, but you are truly one of the people that have kept me grounded in the past month and the one I've trusted with the secrets I may have never told anyone else. Thank you for being the shoulder I can lean on and the rock to keep me grounded. You will probably never understand how much I appreciate having a friend like you. You listen to all my little stories and complaints and know how to make me see the bright side of things. Thank you.

-J

What is a Girl to Do?

What is a girl supposed to do when the guy she likes asks her who she likes? Obvious answer may be to tell him who you really do like, right? Or is it to play it cool and pretend it's someone else?  Well regardless of what a girl is to do, it's an awkward situation to be stuck in. It's not something most people like to be in, because a) it makes you wonder why they're asking, b) if you're not ready to tell, you have no way of replying properly, and c) that means they think they know who you have a crush on. All of these situations might play together, or maybe one of them applies to you, but I can tell you from experience, it's not easy to get out of if you don't have the guts to tell they guy how you feel about them.

You see this is what happens to me, I get into really deep conversations with H, and these conversations always make me think really hard on how he might feel about me. Cause he may compliment me on a lot of things and he might bring my mood up, and occasionally flirt with me, but that's only my side of the story. I have NO idea how he might actually feel about me. I'm going on guesses and feelings and hope. If you've been reading all of my posts, you know that I like H and that we have our little moments at times, but last night we were talking about our celebrity crushes, and when I named Patrick Chan, he instantly thought about AA, and he told me that there are figure skaters in our school and that I don't have to think about someone I don't know. This bothered me, so I replied "He's not my type," and oddly enough he said that he had a feeling. Then went on to ask me what my type was. I answered, and right after answering, I knew that I had somehow described him, and I wondered if he knew. But then we talked about how we have the tendency to fall for friends. He called me both smart on dumb on that part, bu then admitted that he is the same. Maybe one day I should ask him who he likes :P , that would be a hell of a fun time... or would it? I guess it depends on the answer I would get from him.

But I do know that I'm special to him, whether it be as someone of interest or simply as a friend. He has told me on multiple occasions that I am irreplaceable to him, that it is not the same when I am not around, and that if the island of Montreal sank like Atlantis, that he would try his hardest to save me (even though we live about an hour away from each other by car with no traffic), along with other little things as well. Today I also went to W's Anatomy class, which H is part of, and instead of sitting with SB (which I think is his best friend) he came and sat with W and me instead.

I've decided to give this quote a try "When a guy likes you... he'll text you a lot, stay up every night with you, compliment you, and always have time for you." (x) I've done 2 test runs, I decided I would no text him or be the first to start a conversation with him on Skype. The first time didn't work out, cause we made plans and I ended up cancelling them, so I had to tell him somehow, so I texted him. The second time worked out pretty well, I didn't text or talk to him all of Friday and Saturday along with most of Sunday. He ended up messaging me last night, and that is how this post came to be. He messaged me simply to see how I was, and we ended up talking about anything and everything. And if this quote hold true, it means he likes me. Well I can hope right? He does text me a lot though, even when we have nothing to talk about, we stay up on Skype talking about nothing, he always compliments me somehow and he always finds time to help me out or hang out with me when I ask.

Though it looks like I am the only on that makes plans, at least I know he makes an effort to tlak to me when I don't :P

-J

Is it all in the Mind?

Hey guys, so I've been thinking about this for a while... Is love simply something made up in our minds? Now before you get upset and say, why am I reading this bull, let me just state that I do believe that we all have that special someone out there who's the perfect match for us, and all we have to do is find each other. But based on my past with guys (that barely exists), I have to wonder if that special someone will ever find me. I  mean, I feel like I'm a lost cause, like someone who is meant to live their life alone and never find true love.

And as that lonely person, I have to wonder if I really do have a shot with anyone. I truly want to believe that we all have a better half out there waiting to find us, but what if we never find each other, I mean there are 6 billion people on the earth, what are the chances that we would find each other? 1 in a billion, i have a better chance winning the lottery right?

I do wish that that invisible red string that hold two people meant to be together, the one that gets tangled but never cut, is visible to us. I mean wouldn't life be a million times simpler if we all didn't have to worry about the guy we like liking us back, or who we will end up with? That would be a weight off our shoulders right? Well maybe not, cause we are never truly satisfied with what we have. We always want more, so what happens if we find that one person, and we don't like the way they look? The way they smell? And I know, I'm just taking something totally happy and breaking it into a million and one pieces in front of your eyes, but doesn't anyone ever wonder about this? I mean, isn't part of the excitement of falling in love the journey? Getting to know the person, falling for them, and finally the effort you put into to see if they feel the same way about you?

Wouldn't all the magic of love disappear if we never got to, excuse my term, but chase after the one that we love? Where would the fun be in knowing exactly who we were going to be with for the rest of our lives? Now don't get me wrong, I'm not hating on arranged marriages, they are fine in my book, because so many of the people end up being happy, just like my grandparents are.

But all in all, i guess I'm just depressed that I don't have anyone in my life at the moment :P Feel free to tell me how you feel about this.

-J

What Is Love?

What is it about love that makes us want it so bad? What id it about love that makes us want to be loved and be in love? Is it the fact that we feel special in someones eyes? The fact that we feel like we are always happy and nothing can go wrong? That perfect feeling we have when we're with that one special person? But when it comes down to it, what is love?

Different people would probably give different answers, some people might answer "love is a feeling", whole others will say "it's a connection between two people". But is love really that simple? Can it even be described? Well, I don't think so, but I might as well give it a shot right? What the heck, what do I have to lose? So here goes nothing...

I think love is a connection between two people, but it's deeper than that. It's this familiar feeling you have with someone even though you just met. It's that comforting feeling you have when you're around someone, that warm feeling you get in your chest and those butterflies you can't help but feel in your stomach. It's that sense of being totally protected when that person is in your presence, that feeling that no matter what happens, they will be able to protect you from it. The secret smiles, all the little things, hugs, smiles, laughs, jokes, gifts, being there for you. That's what love is made of, the willingness to be with someone no matter what because you see the good in them, and they see the same in you. That connection you have that is stronger than racism, stereotypes, skepticism, judgement and sometimes common sense. It's being with someone, physically or emotionally. It's that shoulder to cry on, to lean on. That face that makes you smile from across the room, or even that picture you stare at until you fall asleep. In my head, that's what love is. It's not a sacrifice, not a pain (well okay sometimes), not an obligation... Love is natural, sweet, and unexpected. You find love when you least expect it, and that's what's so wonderful about it.

Well that's what I have to say about love. Can you tell that I'm falling for someone? Maybe you can, maybe you can't. All I know is I can't get someone off my mind... and well this is part of what I feel for them.

-J

Coincidence?

So this morning, I had a dream about SB and H. And I am fully aware that I might be blowing things out of proportion, but what else is a girl to do between her studying for classes, homework and thinking about boys? That's right, I go crazy overboard thinking about the boys I like.

So in this dream, I was out with a bunch of friends, that SB and H were also part of. We were going to Fête des Neiges, which is currently underway in Montreal. We were walking around from igloo to igloo, and we were all fooling around, taking pictures. Then suddenly as dreams always are, we ended up in a convenience store, where everyone was buying things. I ended up with SB, and we were walking around with our arms linked. We ended up in my car, our arms still linked, my head resting on his shoulder, and as I was about to remove my head from his shoulder, he pulled me back to him. He was so warm and comforting. Then, we noticed H leaving us in another car (Coincidence that he would just leave? Maybe not, but it's not like him in real life, but then again it is just a dream). But after H, left and everyone else joined us in the car. SB and I were sitting next to eat other and he ended up holding my hand! :) You guys might be thinking I'm freaking out over nothing, but the thing is I though I was loosing interest in SB, but then I have a dream about him, and it's a cute one. Dreams like this always mess me up a little, because even though they are dreams, they reflect my subconsciousness . If I had a dream about him, it means that I still think about him subconsciously. Which gets me really confused and annoyed, especially when I have to focus on school.

But I still haven't gotten to the part that is the biggest coincidence for me yet. I didn't finish this dream, the dream was interrupted, by who other than H, and this is real life H, not the dream version of him. Now what I want to know is, is this just a coincidence and I'm over thinking every single little detail about out of everything possible, a dream, or is it a message that I like SB, but H is what's keeping us apart? Or is it telling me that H is the one I want to be with, so I should stop thinking about SB? I'm really lost on this one, so thoughts anyone?

-J