Observations

Lately I feel like a lot of my friends have been becoming more and more, I'm not sure how to put it, it isn't selfish or self-centered... but at the same time it kind of is. They have become a lot more self-orientated. Maybe they have always been that way and I just never noticed, but I've started seeing it lately. Maybe it is just because of the specific time in our lives where we want to find out what we want to do in our futures, but at the same time I think it might be something a little more. Although Marx believed that human nature is altruistic and not selfish, I don't always believe that. I think that we are all capable of being selfish, and deep down we all care about our own survival a lot. But this isn't a sociology class, so let me get back to my point. I've started noticing that a lot of my friends aren't as unselfish or as open minded as I once believed. Now I'm not saying that they are people walking around with tunnel vision, and I am also not saying that I am the most open minded, unselfish person out there, I'm far from it, but this is just based on observations that I've been making.

I've noticed that I have friends who will only focus on what will get them ahead, whether in education or at work. They get rid of people who they deem to be "useless" to their ultimate goal and they try their hardest to build the right bridges, but are quick to burn them as they built ones that are more useful to their goal.

Some have also become concerned with protecting their little bubble, they will not be bothered with anything that is not within their spectrum and do not seem opened to ideas that are beyond their system of belief. They won't go out of their way to understand something, nor will they go out of their way to see if a close one is dealing with something in their personal life. They are content with sitting in the serenity of their bubble to the point where anything that does not affect them and only them is none of their concern.

I also have friends who believe that everyone is out to get them and to make them fail at their current task. Maybe a form of paranoia, but they go as far as to believe that even close friends and family are setting them up for failure and only want to see them fail and they will automatically hate anyone that they see in this way.

I've also noticed people who refuse to be open to ideas beyond what they deem to be right and wrong and they reject anyone who they see as different from what they believe the way people should act and look. They will not even give people a chance depending on what the person does or who the person is with and automatically deems them as something that is not worth getting to know.

And I've noticed that a lot of my friends don't bother going beyond the surface before they tag someone with a certain tag and not try to get beyond the tag to see if it is true. I'm not saying that I'm not superficial when it comes to tagging people too, but I feel like my friends tag people as "hot", "weird", "freak" but don't want to go deeper than that to see what the person is actually like. They refuse to allow the illusion that they have put on the person be broken by anyone but themselves and even when they are broken, it is broken superficially, without getting to know the person.

Now, I'm not saying all of my friends are this way, nor am I saying that I am not like this. I believe we all have this in us and that we are all capable of selfish acts, but I've noticed these things in a lot of my friends and it has given me a different view of them. It hasn't changed how I feel about my friends, because I still love them in their own weird way. But it has made me question if I am the same way, or why I haven;t noticed it in them previously.

I guess in a way I'm tired of my friends seeming like they think the world only encompasses themselves, and thinking only of themselves or living in imagined worlds. Sometimes it gets painful to see, and I'll admit at times it gets annoying. Especially when my friends tag guys as a title and then lives everyday as if the image that they portrayed on the guy is true, when in fact they know nothing about the guy. I guess I just wish everyone was just a little more open minded, I feel like this way there would be a lot less conflict and there would also be a lot more room for understanding one another.

Sorry about this weird post, it's just something that's been on my mind for a while
-J

Friends

Hey guys!

Yes, a procrastination post, what a surprise! So as the title suggest this is a post about friends. Now I know I've posted something similar to what I want this post to be about (but I'm too lazy to go an check if I have), if I did, it was a while ago, and my friend circle has changed ever so slightly. So I'm doing it again anyways.

So I know we all have friend circles and even within friend circles we can still divide people up into different categories, really, it just never ends. But I've noticed I have way too many friend circles, that in the end should really not be friend circles, but somehow they are and it just makes planning things so difficult and then I feel like a jerk because I'm hanging out with some people more than others. Anyways, back to the point at hand, I have way too many different groups of friends for me even to be able to think about, so I warn you that this post might be a little unflowy (not like they ever flow anyways).

So as we group we tend to lose some of the friends that we had when we were younger. We grow apart, move away, know different people, have disagreements and so on. But we always have the core group that we keep for a long time (hopefully forever). Now I don't know if I still have the core group form when I was really young because I have lost my best childhood friend because we started hanging out with different people and having different lifestyles, in fact i don't even see him anymore. I think it's been a solid 2-3 years since I've even seen him walk by. I also have a childhood friend that lives in Vancouver now and we barely talk to one another anymore because we haven't really been close since we were 5. From the friends I had from the age of 5, I still talk to two of them, and somehow I think it is due to the fact that my brothers are still really close to them (it doesn't help that I'm a girl :P). One of them does have a sister, but we've sort of grown apart as friends.

I feel like before I get into any more back stories of friends, I should introduce my close circle of friends. So as of the moment (because this could always change), my best friends would be W and ST. They are the ones I call/text first of anything and they are the ones I feel the closest too. Ironically, I feel like they are distant from me too because they both don't share things very openly and even though they both say I know them well, sometimes I feel like I barely know them. It's also funny that they are both VERY hard to get close to, and somehow I cracked them both! it's like I enjoy the challenge :P. Anyways, they are the ones I would go to if anything were to happen. I also have O, I'm not sure were to put her because we have times when we are pretty close and then times where we don't really talk (more because we don't go to the same school, so it's always hard to do things together). But I would probably not put her as a best friend, but more of a sister I guess, she's always there and no matter how long we spend without really talking we can still get along super well. And even though she's older than me, I can't help but feel like an older sis a lot of the time :P So those three are the ones I feel the closest to right now.

I also have my BB, who is also a really good friend, but I feel like we are growing pretty distant. I don't know if it's because we don't go to the same school anymore or something like that, but I also get the feeling that she is the one choosing to isolate herself. The thing it it isn't just with me, but with W and O as well. We were the 4 that were friends in high school and remained friends up until now. So it's strange to have one member kind of fall off without really knowing why.

From high school, I also have S, who isn't in Montreal right now, but is studying in Ottawa. We text once in a while, generally when we start texting one another we text for a few weeks and then we kind of fall off the grid again. Whenever she comes into town, I make sure to clear a day for her because she is nice to talk to and she is strongly opinionated in some ways and she isn't afraid to tell you what she thinks, which is often a  really good wake up call for me.

Then there are my current school friends, which yes also include ST and W. In this I also have LN, and ML. I'm a lot closer to LN than I am with ML. Consequently, the two of them are best friends. We all have classes together and we always have lunch together (this is ML, LN and I), so we talk quite frequently (mostly about boys and annoying people in our classes).

I also have AK that is a friend from school, but that I barely see around. I had met her in CEGEP and we've kept in touch since. I wouldn't consider us close, but I would consider her a good friend. We meet up for lunch or supper once in a while and we text each other too, but other than that we don't really see each other.

Then I have my work friends, I have CL and CT that I text often and talk to often. They are the ones I keep in contact with the most from work and the ones I see the most often. In the past few weeks though, the group has kind of been falling apart, with me talking to both of them, but from what I know, the two of them not really talking to each other very often.

From work I also have MD that I honestly wish I could see more of because when ever he is around I just feel so loose and unstressed. And he isn't afraid to tell me if there is something wrong with the way I am acting and he doesn't mind sitting down with me to talk about my problems for a few hours. He's honestly someone I think, that is just good for the soul. He's an amazing guy, and I feel bad that my first thought of him was that he was going to be an asshole (yes, I was stereotyping: Italian + good looking = douche). He turned out to be one of my most valued work friends though, like I feel like I could tell him anything and he won't judge me and he will try to understand my perspective. Although I talk to CL and CT more, I feel like he is the one that I am the closest to in terms of actually knowing the person.

I also have GW from work and she is just the person I look up to the most at work. To me, she is the perfect role model at work. She is always relaxed and hard working and always so cool under pressure. If you were to look at us she would be the cool and collected owl and I'm the chicken that just got it's head cut off. And even out of work she is just so sweet and we always have good laughs when we are together.

And SL and her boyfriend P, they are also from work. I know SL a lot better than I know P, and I talk to her a lot more too :P. They are nice to go out with once in a while because it's so casual and down to Earth. we could literally be doing nothing and still enjoy our time out together. When I'm out with them, I usually have my brother with me as well (so I don't feel like a third wheel :P).

Which leads me to my final group of friends... I think, which are my brothers friends. Both my brothers have mutual friends that they always go out and game with and these are the friends that I would assume are my brothers best friends. They are a group of 6 guys (brothers included) that I always feel comfortable with. Two of these friends are childhood friends I was talking about before and another one of them is too actually and the other one my brother (can't remember which one), met in high school. I like to go out with them sometimes, even though generally I end up being the only girl. But being with them is different than being with all my girlfriends because I grew up basically with only guy friends so sometimes I actually feel more at ease with them than I do with my girlfriends. It's also because with them I feel like I can insult them all I want and they still won't hate me, maybe except for one of them :P

Okay, so I know it's weird that I just presented all my friends in such an odd manner, but this is how I see my friends right now. They don't all fit into neat little groups and some of the groups to intersect. If this was a Venn Diagram it would just be a complete mess. I presented them this way because this is how I have to make plans with them. They are all somewhat connected, yet disconnected at the same time, like sometimes some of the groups can mix and other times it just gets weird. So plannings with limited time because of school or work is a pain in the butt sometimes, and half the time I feel like I'm paying way too much attention to one but not the others. And not everyone from all my friend groups like each other either, which only makes it so much more complicated. But I wouldn't want to lose any of these friend groups right now because, despite the pain in the ass of planning things with them, I still cherish the time I get to spend with them and they all contribute something different to my life, whether it's being there for me and listening to all my stupid problems, or letting me be myself, or guiding me through different parts of my life, or just people I can be irresponsible and childish with. They all bring something into my life that makes me still want to be their friend and keep in touch with them.

I know they all know me differently, because let's face it no matter how perfect we think we are, we're different in different situations. For example, I'm not the same at work, at home and at school. I'm not even the same with different types of people. But what matters is that no matter what side of me they see, they still accept and love me because at the end of the day, all those different sides of me are still me. and it's the people we find that love us for every part of us that we should always hold dear to us and hope to always have in our lives.

-J

Summer Plans (Update)

Hey guys!

So I realized that it is no longer summer and I should probably tell you how my summer plans came along. As many of you guys may know, I had to write a supplemental exam this summer, so it did put a huge bummer on all my plans. But let me tell you what I was able to accomplish from my list (if any at all). You can check out the list (not really a list) of things I wanted to do this summer here (x).

So yes, work was extremely hectic and to be honest it was way more than I signed up for. I basically never hd a day off. My days off were spent calling and texting people from work or solving problems for people. I worked insane hours (over 13 hours a day), more on fireworks. It averaged out to about 50 hours a week during the peak season. With studying and work, I barely had time for anything else, but here goes nothing at seeing what I did and didn't do this summer.

My plans for reading basically failed. I think I got through about 6 books? 6 and a half? or something like that. Basically i basically read anything this summer. So my list of to read books is basically at the same place as it was at the beginning of the summer, not to mention that there are more books I now want to read too... There's always winter break and spring break for that I guess :P

i actually got to hang out with my friends a lot this summer (more than I thought I would be able to), maybe that's why my grade on my exam was so bad. I was able to go out for supper and lunch quite a bit, I also got to go out for drinks a few times this summer. We ended up going to the wax museum, and the musical swings and the mosaic culture display at the Botanical Gardens. I didn't get to explore the city that much, but I had a lot of fun when I did go out with my friends.And clearly due to my supplemental exam, I wasn't able to go to Florida -.- Which is something I was actually really looking forward to :(

the house painting project went along, which delayed ALL my studying for a good 3 weeks because if I wasn't painting I was at work and all the furniture in my house was all over the place so it's hard to find a comfortable place to study. But I did get to reorganize my room-ish. I got new curtains and mirrors (which are still not set up) and I got to rearrange my room a little (I already liked the layout so there wasn't much to change).

And as far as my creative side went this summer, well it went nowhere. My creative touch will just have to wait until I have some free time from studying and wanting to shoot myself in the head for picking a life in science.

I also wanted to stay in shape this summer (I'm not sure if that's in my post from the beginning of summer, but I feel like I have mentioned it before). Work made me way to tired for that. I wanted to go for morning jobs and Zumba classes, but after working 15 hours the day before you just want to sleep when you have a chance. I did lose weight this summer though, a little less than I was hoping as a summer goal, but hey, it was all done without me actually working out, so I guess it's still an accomplishment

So yup, now you all know how my summer plans went. I kept thinking that my summer was pretty bad, but ow that I wrote everything out, my summer didn't seem that bad after all :P

-J

Change for the Better (I Hope)

Hey guys!

So I've been looking back at the past 3-4 years, and I've come to realize how much I've grown. I know I have a lot more growing to do, considering that I'm just 20, but I've changed a lot more than I thought I did in the past few years. Not only did my face look like I lost some baby fat, I also look like I've slimmed down a little. Now I know there is a lot more fat to burn, I know I don't look as bloated as I used to be. I was looking at my old employee passes and I noticed that I seemed to have lost weight every year, always a good sign, although cameras are known to play tricks (but the camera usually adds 10 lbs, so maybe I am loosing weight? :P) All kidding aside, I also feel a lot better about my body image now than I did back then. I can still work on that, admittedly A LOT, but it's better than it used to. My clothes are no longer just tshirts and jeans, although they are still my comfy outfit choice. I've also learned what type of clothes look better on by body type compared to others. So in the past few years my physical image has changed a lot.

I've also grown a lot on the inside as well. I've gained a lot more confidence than I give myself. I mean you tell me right out of High School that I would be a manager right now, I would have laughed in your face and told you that that would probably never happen. Then again, if you told me at the age of 15 that I was going to go into sciences, I would have thought you to be insane, but look at me now. So I guess things do change, and sometimes in a good an unexpected way. I'm a lot more confident now that I was in high school, I'm not as afraid of voicing my opinions (well depending on who I'm talking to). I also don't feel as uncomfortable leading a group of people as I did before. As someone once put it, "[I've] become a boss," and somehow I never noticed. But I'm glad I have this confidence now because I no longer look like the confused "new guy in town" all the time. I don't doubt all my decisions all the time (although it still happens a lot) and I start doing things that I know how to do without having to double check all the time first like I used to.

The one negative thing about my changes in the past few years is that I'm a lot less patient now. I used to be able to tolerate people's BS a lot better than I can now. I snap pretty easily and I also get emotional pretty easily. Maybe it's accumulated stress or it's just my learning how to not be a push over. I guess in someway it's good that I'm not going to let people push me around anymore, but I also have trouble communicating my feelings when I snap, so the situation actually never really gets any better... But I'm trying to work on it. According to ST, I'm a patient person... At least I think that's what she thinks? (please correct me if I'm wrong).

What I'm the most happy about is that my close group of friends (the real close group of friends) is always there to support me. They all support me if different ways, but I know that they are always there for me. If something is wrong they are willing to meet up with me or call me, or even text till ridiculous hours of the night. If they know something is wrong and I call, they'll call me back as soon as they can and they won't hang up until I feel better. And I know that I would do the same for them, because we are all close. The only thing that makes me sad is that my close group of friends is divided into a few groups. I have my close friends from high school: W, O, BB. Then I have my close friends from CEGEP: ST, and LN. And from work I have CL and, a new mention, CT from work. They are my current little support group. And sadly even in this little group I have the ones that I trust more than others :P I wonder if that's normal or I'm just being weird :P

But honestly, I'm happy that I got to think about how much I've changed in the past few years, it gives me a little more confidence in myself now, even just thinking back of the last few years and seeing that I made great new friends and seeing that I was able to lead a group of people and no one got hurt in the process (yet :P). Even looking back at comments I've received, I see now (since I'm no longer in the situation) that a lot of them weren't just people being polite. The compliments came from the heart.

-J

20th Birthday!

Hey guys!

So it was my birthday last Saturday and I celebrated it with my friends on Friday and I decided to celebrate with my family on Saturday. so obviously with this plan, I didn't get any school work done at all this weekend.

I went to 3amigos with my girlfriends on Friday, on the guest list was ST, W, BB, Y, S, GW, CL and a few other people that I've never mentioned on the blog, we were 10 in total. And as per 3amigos style, they give you a sombrero when it's your birthday, along with a slice of cake, YUM! I had a blast at supper and I got really cool presents! Thank you to everyone that came :D Along the presents were: cupcakes, perfume, a book, nail polish, a tea cup, and others. And GW paid for my supper :) which was super sweet of her.

After supper we headed to a pub where, thank to my sombrero, I got a huge happy birthday from a table of guys and one of the guys wished me happy birthday and shook my hand. We were at the table next to his and the whole time we were there, he would look at me (and not like in stealth, like outright let me look at the table). Every time we were looking at pics he would look at the pic, every time we said something he would turn over and look. I refused to make eye contact, which made it all the more fun to see him keep trying (I never said I was nice :P). And when we were leaving, his whole table was looking over at us, and he was looking at me. I ended up putting my sombrero on his head said "Voila!" and his face lit up, it was so cute, like his eyes got all wide and his smile grew into a giant smile. Now in case you are wondering, he was pretty cute. His table started cheering and he got up and gave me a giant hug, with a squeeze :D, and kissed me on the cheek. All his friends wanted him to kiss me, but I said no, and like a gentleman he didn't protest. And no, I didn't get his name or number, which I wish I did :(

Then we headed to a bar, Saint-Sulpice for those of you who know where that is, and we chilled and danced there for a while before making out way home. My "home" for the nigh was Y's house, since I can't stay out till late, that was a solution. Not much happened at the sleep over since it was late and her whole entire house was asleep :P

I came home the next morning for about an hour, then headed out to go see AK, cause she couldn't make it the night before. We had lunch at this super cute Korean restaurant and then we went out for coffee. It was nice to spend the afternoon with her cause I haven't seen her for a long time. And we just talked about school and our lives and what we plan for the future (where we would live, what we could do for honeymoons) and other random things. It was a very relaxing afternoon.

Then I came home and went out for supper with my family, and when we were leaving the restaurant, I learned that my brother invited one of his friends over. This friend turned out to have invited one of my neighbors over, and that neighbor invited two other neighbors. And they all knew it was my birthday, so they came over with birthday wished and a few had presents. We all chilled and since the first neighbor got me a pterodactyl Lego set, I decided to sit down and build it :P And it took me an hour, but it was fun :P every time I messed up one of my brothers friends would take the pieces apart for me so I could fix my mistake. I chilled with them the whole night, talking, watching Youtube videos, playing Slenderman, which is a horror game, and then just chatting with him. It wasn't awkward cause they are all my friends too.

So basically I spent Friday with all my girlfriends and Saturday night with a few of my guy friends. It was
 a nice way to spend my birthday, although I didn't get much sleep this weekend :P And now I have to cattch up in school work :(

Also the best birthday wish I got was from MD: "J!!!!! I wanted to wish u a happy birthday. Honestly I believe that your such a good person! Your real and most people lack that characteristic. You are gold.  Stay gold J!!! We need more people like you in this world. Happy Birthday :) [...] U deserve the world!!!" I copied it down word for word, so please forgive me for the spelling mistakes :P This made my night though, it was so sweet.

-J

I Knew You Were Trouble

Hey guys, so it's two days past new years and I'm already breaking the be more confident. But I said I would try, it doesn't mean I'll be good at it. But this post isn't about my new years resolutions, cause come on it's been 2 days, I have a year to do the stuff on my list. I'm actually confused, and wish I had a little sister to talk things out with about, but I don't and I know my friends are busy with others things, so I turn to you guys, and in this case maybe you guys is no one, but it's nice to just write things down. Obviously I do own a journal, but I made this blog a little over a year ago to share with you guys my experiences, so I figure why not, since this is what the blog is made for, although I have some readers that I would have never thought would read my blog. A lot of you might have noticed that sometimes my posts are random, or they switch gears really randomly, like one minute I'm headed one direction and the next I'm going the other way, but that's cause all my posts are written in one shot. Or as one shot as I try to make it cause sometimes I do get distracted with family or other things. But they are not planned out and they are not spell checked and proofread (although if I notice a mistake, I try to fix it). I don't reread through my posts after they have been posted, this is seriously like a journal type blog, so please bear with me and my random thoughts.

So what I'm confused about tonight is a guy, and ST and W and even O, you don't have to keep reading cause you already know what the issue is. But I just want to get all my feelings down and then see for myself how I really feel and how I should go about my confusion, hopefully it doesn't just confuse me more than it already has, cause it seems like every time I try to figure this out, it just gets worse.

So I've talked about L before and there have been a lot of negative things about him, but he's not always a complete ass. I can't remember what the first ting I said about him is, but I remember telling you guys that I was showing interest in him, whether that was this year or last year (I really can't remember when he first showed up on my blog). But in real life, it been more than a year. You know that guy that you kind of like, but you don't at the same time, like the one that you love and hate at the same time. Ya that's what I feel with him, and the thing is, maybe I just realized this as I'm writing it, but he has the potential to be a really good best guy friend. I mean he isn't like a lot of the guys I know cause most of them are studious and in a sense "good." He's smart in his own ways, and he's got a pretty good sense in style, like I would want to walk around shopping with him cause he would totally try on the clothes I get him. He's bad in a sense, not totally bad ass being a thug bad, but he's not the best influence I can be around. But he has his quirks, he's fun to argue with and to be silly around, and on some level I feel very comfortable around him.

So what confuses me? Well I don't know if I like like him and see him as a potential boyfriend, or I just like being around him and want him as just a friend. The thing is I kind f see myself going out with him, but at the same time I don't, and ST is right, I'm scared of being in a relationship, like I like the idea, but when it clicks that it might be real, I freak and friendzone a lot of people. And the thing is, how can someone who likes the idea of relationships so much be scared of them? Well cause I always see the bad sides of them, I've helped my friends with a fair share of heartbreak (and well I've nursed a few of my own) and it's scary, all the hurt that falls out from so much love. I don't know if I'm ready to deal with all of that. And obviously I know that I will never know unless I put myself out there ad try, but I'm scared. Scared that I'm not good enough, or that the relationship will end really badly, and the thing is I get attached very easily, so it's going to be hard for me when I go through my first break up with someone. The rejection I've faced once, and that was a shock, although I was expecting it. So I think I'm just scared of not being rejected by the ones I love, or being abandoned by them when they see that I'm not as nice as they think I am.

So back to L, I don't know if I like him like him, and a lot of times when it's just us two, I always think, maybe I should just kiss him and get this over with. Cause maybe kissing him would tell me if I really like him or not, cause I remember my first kiss and I didn't feel anything from that other than the loud booming music in the background. So maybe when we kiss someone we actually like we do feel fireworks or whatever. And I always think that, which annoys me, cause a) I don't normally think things like "hey let's just kiss" and b) I'm not that bold! But something about him just, I don't know, makes me want to really find out if I like him or not, and I'll admit, I have a hard time figuring out if I like a guy or not, but with him, it's like the harder I try, the more blurred the lines become. There are sides to him which I like and others that I'm a little wishy washy about, but all in all, he's a good kid.

I like that when I'm with him, we can sit in silence, I used to sit with him on the bus for 20 minutes in complete silence and it wouldn't be awkward, well at first when I didn't know him that well then obviously it was awkward, but we got to a point where we just sat next to each other or facing one another and it would be fine to just listen to our music and not talk, with a lot of other people, I feel the need to fill the silence even though it's not awkward to begin with. With him, it's just nice to sit there and enjoy the company. Also I like that he's open, like he would complain about work to me and tell me about the girls that have rejected him (which always turns out to be pretty entertaining), and he would tell me how he doesn't like his parents much, or his brother for that matter, and he would also tell me his plans for school and his future living conditions, now don't get all "He's totally into you!" yet, cause I know he tells other people about this stuff too. I'm not the only special one that gets into the mind of L. Although I know he likes to vent about stuff with me, I don't know if he also does this with BD, which kind of annoys me, cause you guys know how much I love her -.- And if you didn't I just made it completely evident. They are pretty good friends, so maybe they both talk shit about me behind my back, but that is besides the point. I don't know who else he would tell his stories to besides me, so I don't feel special in regards to that point.

The thing about him is that he has a lot of characteristics of what I don't look for in a guy, I mean he smokes pot, he dropped out of school (although he's going back to school this semester), he parties all the time, gets wasted a lot. But he also has a plan for where he wants to be headed, and even though a lot of the times things get in the way of his plans, he plans around them. Like he just lost his job twice in the past 4 months be he isn't going to let that stop him from planning to move out and to go on vacations to really cool places around the world. Although I know he's bummed and piss about it, he's not the time to sit around and complain about it and mope around. He'll get up and try looking for other jobs and still go out with friends. He's also one of the guy that will brush up on things he doesn't know and is pretty strongly opinionated. When I'm with him, it's like being with a good friend, I can just be myself, no need to impress or to show off and I'm pretty relaxed around him, I would push him around and joke around with him. Although I've noticed that I have a hard time looking him in the eye (just like everyone else I'm close to). It's a habit, I think I'm scared of seeing that they judge me as I talk or do something, or it's a low self esteem thing.

Is it normal that I have been thinking about all this stuff with L for over a year? In my head it isn't, I mean I barely know the kid! And according to a lot of people, I make him sound like as asshole, and I think I may have a point making him sound that way, I mean he's told me that he is only interested in girls that register as a 5 or higher on his list and that I am not in that category. Today when we met up for bubble tea, I noticed that his eyes traveled south from my face a few times, and for long enough for me to notice too.

But at the same time, I like how he was being honest with me in telling me that BD hates me, not that I didn't know before hand, I mean she makes it really obvious. Right now a bunch of us are in the running to be manager at work. BD is already the manager, but if she leave I'm next in line and L also believes that he is in the running, but my boss has stated many times that he is not. And apparently BD made a statement making it sound like I want to steal her job even thought she is still working for my boss, and from that L told me that she was being very hateful about it. It was funny hearing it from him since I know that they are pretty good friends. I am glad that since BD is staying manager, I won't have to take the position and feel bad about being manager even though L wanted the position too. I mean, I wouldn't mind taking it from BD but i consider L a friend, so I would feel bad about it.

So I guess this post didn't really help with anything other than make me realize that I want to keep him around cause after all he is a  friend. So that's a start right? And I think I would rather keep him as a friend than be something more with him, at least that's what I get after writing the post.

Sorry it got so long though, I wasn't expecting it to be this long, and I deviated a lot from the actual goal of the post, but I can't control my thoughts, I'm only human :P

I guess I'll end this post with a quote from Taylor Swift: "I knew you were trouble when you walked in." I could not have explain it better myself, and right now this is one of my favorite songs and people say that your favorite songs are your favorite because they speak to you in a sense.

-J

New Years Resolutions + Staff Get Together

Hey guys!

New years is fast approaching, and with that comes new years resolutions... that never seem to be kept for more than a few weeks :P I'm hoping this year will be different. This year i have a few new years resolutions and I'm hoping I'll keep at least one of them.

So here are my new years resolutions:

1. Get into shape: yes, this is partially me wanting to loose weight, but I also want to climb McGill's hill everyday without dying trying to get between classes. I with this resolution, I want to go to to gym twice a week, hopefully I'll be able to keep that schedule during midterms and finals too, but even if I can't I would want to go at least once a week. Part of this resolution was also to join a dance of a zumba class, and ST made me commit to that (at least for 5 classes) cause that is what she got me for Christmas! I am so excited cause hopefully, this will make me really want to commit to it for more than a few classes. We'll see how that works out for me.
2. Do better in my classes: I didn't have the best study habit in CEGEP, and I kind of kept that going for my first semester in Uni, but I'm hoping I can kick that habit and get myself to focus in my classes and come home and take extra notes and listen to lecture recordings, cause I have to admit,. no matter how much I can't focus on them when I'm listening to them at home, they help in the long run! I also want to get studying done before midterms and finals hit, cause that would be a load off my back and might allow me to get some gym time as well.
3. Get a lab job:  Now this one is because I am an undecided science student that is not looking at medical school in her future. I'm not looking into med school for a lot of personal reasons, one of them being that not being able to help some patients no matter how much I want to will kill me every time because I feel guilty really easily. So my only other option (not my only, but a big option) is a lab job. I would like to know what it's like to work in a lab to see if that is the life I would like to set myself up for. I don't care if this is a paid internship or even just a volunteer opportunity, I think it would be really cool to see what my future can hold for me. And this is also a resolution I want to keep for the next 2 years, or at least till before I get my undergraduate degree.
4. Be more confident: I'm a pessimistic person and I would like to try to change that, even my a little. I know I've said I've been better at it, but it's still hard. And I understand that it's not always easy, but when my friends say something like "you look good today," I would like to believe that it's true. And maybe this will be easier when I get into shape, and maybe it won't make a difference. But I will try my best regardless.
5. Be more careful with my money: I'll admit I'm already very good with my money, I'm not going to spend every penny I have once I get it, and I have money set aside in a savings account and I also have money that is not in the savings, but that I refuse to touch no matter how much I want to spend the money. And I admit, I made quite a bit of money this summer (mostly cause I worked my ass off and my boss milked every last hour he could get out of me), but I still somehow end up spending most of it... I have about 1/3 of it left. I guess granted that I haven't been working for 2 months that is very impressive, but I don't plan on getting a job until next summer, so I have to start being a little more money smart and start only getting what I really need, or items that I know I will use all the time. I will have to start asking myself "How often am I going to use/wear this?" and obviously, like I always do, look for good deals.
6. Keep my close friends: This one I find may be the most important and maybe the hardest to keep for the year. Don't get me wrong, I want to make new friends as well cause there us nothing wrong with making your circle bigger, but I'm hoping that by this time next year I'll still be friends with ST, W, BB and Y (although we've been kind of getting distant lately). It will be hard cause I won't have classes with any of them next semester and out schedules aren't exactly hang out friendly (along with the insane work load our programs give us). But I hope that by this time next year we are all still as close as we are not (give or take a little on the closer or the not as close side). But I really wouldn't want to lose them anytime soon. They are the ones that keep me grounded and make sure I have a good time and make sure I don't over stress myself.

I think that's about it for my new years resolutions this year. Hopefully I will be able to keep at least one of them, well I'm hoping all, but we all know how long new years resolutions last :P

And I'm just going to add this here cause not much happened at the staff get together. We needed up being five people going out for a sushi supper. It was T, WL, LT, CL and myself. I thought it was going to be awkward since both T and WL don't talk much, but boy was I wrong, they talked and laugh the most I have ever seen them do either. I think LT might have felt the most awkward at the sinner, but he was always a little awkward :P But we all had a blast and we all laughed a lot and we ate so much sushi it was insane, the waiter even came back a few times to make sure that we were sure we wanted to order so much. But it was a blast and after a stressful time planning it, the supper itself definitely makes me want to plan something again. But remind me again why I am the one that plans staff parties?

P.s. The horse back riding was postponed and I couldn't make it on the new day, so no news there.

What are your resolutions?
-J

It's Snowmagedon!

Yes! I live in Montreal and we broke a record today, 45cm in less than 24hours! That is a lot a lot of snow! And yes, we had to dig ourselves out, at least I didn't have to drive on a day like today :P For those of you who did, you guys are brave souls! Anyone on the East coast that was hit with this storm and went out today. I decided today was a lazy day cause the snow just kept coming down! My mom, brothers and I shoveled twice today, and OMG, it is a workout! Both times we spent about an hour shoveling, and we didn't even shovel out a car! We just did stairs and driveway and it was a workout, I can feel my arms starting to get soar from the hard work! When the snow was all piled up, it was almost as high as I was! And I'm 5'5". But it was fun shoveling and seeing other people suffer through the same thing we were. It was a pretty insane day and I think my cousins from out of town are wishing that they were back in Toronto where the snow isn't as bad, I mean come one, they flip over 15cm, 15 is almost nothing to us Montrealers. Hopefully the city starts to clear the snow soon, cause this is crazy road conditions. The sidewalks around my house hasn't even been shoveled once by the city, everyone on my street is walking on the street and cars are driving in the opposite way.

I don't even want to go out the next few days cause I have had enough of snow, I kind of wish I took my friends offer and when to Florida with her and her family :( They have sun and nice weather (temperature wise). I miss the sun and the winter!

My next few days will be fun though :) So the snow will hopefully not be a bummer. I'll be bumming around tomorrow again and then I will be spending the day with ST on Saturday, then going out for sushi with my co-workers. Although a few of the people I wanted to see won't be making it :( MD just said he won't be able to make it and that kind of bummed be out cause I haven't seen him for such a long time. I don't know if his sister will make it since he isn't coming and I miss her too! But L, WL, LT and newly introduced CL will be able to make it :D BD  won't becoming since she was making a big deal out of everything and everyone took my side, which means that she's mad at me. So it she doesn't come G won't come, but I don't even care cause I like everyone that is coming :P

Then Sunday, H asked a bunch of us to go horseback riding. Yes in the middle of winter :p Among the invitees are ST and Y, so even thought it's going to be freezing, I'm sure we're going to have an awesome time :) And I have never gone horseback riding, well I have when I was 5 or 6, but it was on a school field trip, so there was a guy guiding the horse and it was only for about 5 minutes. I don't know if I should be scared or excited about this trip... maybe both?

I will tell you how these events go, if they turn out to be eventful :P

-J

Potential Shopaholic?

So in less than a month I somehow spent over 800$ on stuff. This is not just on Black Friday... but I think that played a key role in it too. But in my defense, I feel like I got a decent amount of stuff for the bill that I'll be getting. So here is a list of the stuff I bought that will be on this bill (some of the stuff are presents for Christmas for family members)

• iPod Touch 5th generation in blue
• 2 pairs of leggings
• a cute tank top
• a long sleeveless sheer button down shirt that can be used as a dress(ish)
• facial mask from Clinique
• Blotting sheets from Bosica
• nail polish set from the Sephora Collection
• Smashbox Photo Finish Color Correcting Foundation Primer
• bow shirt
• shirt with sequenced sleeves
• black jeggings
• sweater (for my brother)
• Reached by Ally Condie
• Hidden by P.C. and Kristin Cast
• Vampire Diaries- The Hunters vol 3 by L.J. Smith
• Insurgent by Veronica Roth
• black and white striped sweater
• light and dark blue striped shirt
• 3 t-shirts (for my brothers)
•  my Secret Santa present ;) (2 parts)
• and some food here and there (Tim Hortons and Starbucks)

I feel like it's a decent hull, but it's still a significant amount of money... and I'm not working anymore so there is no way for me to make my money back until next summer.

To solve this problem, I've told all my close friends that if I want to get something, they must stop me from getting it. I am only allowed to buy Christmas presents and Timmies, but I need ti stop buying that too.

What do you guys think? Would you have regretted the purchases?

-J

Girls Night

Hey guys,

I just had a girls night at Y's house and we bakes a cheesecake that, get this, didn't even have to be backed! Isn't that amazing? I was so surprised that you can make a cheesecake without baking it. WE went grocery shopping first and then we dropped by Wendy's for supper and then we went back to her house to watch Burlesque. Then we finally got around to making the cake. It was really fun cause I generally bake alone :p So it was nice having company :) We fooled around too, she put whipped cream on my face and we were blasting music and dancing around too.

But when I was in her room, I was playing with her guitar. YES she has a guitar! I was so excited cause I've always wanted to learn and after laying around with hers I am convinced to go out and buy myself a guitar now! I really want to learn how to play guitar. I'm hoping H can still maybe teach me, when ever he finds free time in his schedule... He's always so busy.

What I wanted to say in the last paragraph before I got side tracked by excitement was that playing the guitar at Y's house reminded me of when I spent 2 hours in a music shop and H played the guitar for me for about an hour. And I can't help but think how nice that was, we ended up getting kicked out of the store cause they were closing :P That was a really nice worry free little time in that day.

Okay so back to girls night, we were singing our hearts out in the car whenever we were in there, and then I got to meet her mom and uncle, and officially her sister. It was fun, I watched them play cards. I got t joke around with her family and got to know her brother a little better :) It was a fun night and I'm totally down to do it again, except this time with ST too! You hear me? You better be there next time!

Anyways it's late and I should be getting to bed, I'll tell you guys how the cake turned out since it's chilling in the fridge right now :P

-J

Rainy Feelings for a Rainy Day

You know those rainy days when you don't want to do anything, you just want to lie around and sleep all day and worry about tomorrow... well tomorrow? And then you find yourself waking up the next day regretting not doing anything the previous day? Well yes, today is one of those days.

I have two more midterms to go through and they are the trickier ones, but I'm just not motivated to study, but I know I have to since I work tomorrow, and I'll be tired on Sunday. But I really just can't bring myself to sit down and study. I feel restless, but tired, hungry all the time, and then I regret eating all the things that I ate. I keep trying to find distractions, but even the distractions start to annoy me. And then I just end up doing nothing, and then getting mad at myself for doing nothing. It's just super complicated in my head right now, it's like I want to do something, but I don't at the same time. And I know I said it was out of the funk, but maybe I'm not cleared yet.

It may also have to do with the fact that it is midterm season, and the marks I have been getting back aren't as good as I expected. Although they are still very good marks, I wanted them to be better, I kind of expected myself to work on school a lot harder than I have been. I only have myself to blame though, cause I could always focus more or work harder. I just can't bring myself to focus on school.

And sometimes I want to just sot down with someone and talk about this, but honestly, everyone's busy with their own stuff, and they're stressing out too. I'm not the only one worried about marks and a personal life and school and work. A lot of other people are too. I just have to find a good stress reliever mechanism... that doesn't involve any illegal things :P

So ya, there's school, there's work... I'm excited to work, but I'm also getting really tired of it. The hours are long, the shifts are a little too strenuous. We are underpaid... but I keep telling myself that I only have two more weeks, then I'm done for the season, and next season is well next season. I'll worry about that when it comes... but I still find myself thinking about next season, and I keep trying to make a decision, when in reality, I have other things to worry about.

I've also been sick the past few days, fevers, soar throat, congested nose, runny nose... it's just super inconvenient when you have to worry about midterms and getting better... Also, when you're the kid who keeps blowing your nose and sneezing in class, you kind of get annoyed at yourself.

I know that I should talk to my friends or family about my stress and that will help me, but I just don't feel comfortable talking about this to my family and worrying them in a sense, like I used to talk to my mom, but I could kind of tell that she didn't understand why I was always so stressed. And my friends are all just so happy right now, I don't want to burden them with stuff. Like Y just started a new relationship, and I would rather see her being happy then her worrying about me. ST seems to be really happy with someone the people that she's met in her program. W is really busy studying and volunteering and she's busy trying to figure out what she wants to do after grad school.

And H... I don't know what happened to him, but I feel like we aren't even friends anymore. I feel like he's avoiding me, or he may be to stressed, I just keep giving him the benefit of the doubt, but I feel like we're just drifting apart and that we will never be as good of friends as we were last semester. And what bothers me is that I care that he may or may not be avoiding me. It pisses me off, more than I would like to admit. I keep thinking I may have done something to make him treat me this way, but I sort of have a feeling I haven't done anything. I don't know it's just do you really go from showing that you really care about someone to ignoring them the next week? I just want to give up on him, but something inside me won't let me. I know I'm over him, but I just don't want to lose our friendship...

-J

Best Friends

You know you are surrounded by very good friends when they are all willing to drop what they're doing and help you in your time of need.

I've been down in a funk lately and work really hasn't helped especially with Midterms coming up. I worked 23 hours this weekend (not in 3 days in 2!). I was super tired from Saturdays shift and I knew my boss wasn't going to let me go home early on Sunday cause I was the only Operations Manager in, so I had to suck it up and do my 12 hour shift. But as it turns out, by the end of the night, I was the only person left to close all the stores... cause he took the manager with him for a catering job. I was already pissed all day, I was with a girl I didn't like, I was having mood swings all day, and then to close the stores, I had to stay an extra hour and almost a half! I was so pissed cause I worked 13 hour and only got a freaking 20 minute break! 1) that is not legal 2) My boss was a fricking idiot (Yes I told him to his face in a not so nice way) and 3) it's not even moral on his part to make me work this much. At least he had the decency to drive me home. i left a huge mess in one of the stores, but I know he wouldn't say a word to me cause I was so pissed at him. i finished after the buses for Laronde ended and after the last metro. I even swore at a customer, that never EVER happens. It was a horrible day to say the least.

But eve since Thursday I've been feeling stressed and depressed and this really just pushed me of the edge. I just completely broke down today, on the bus! ON THE BUS? Like who does that? Well obviously me. So I got off 8 stops early and called H and we talked until I got home.

I was also on the phone with ST for 2 hours last night talking stuff over.

I'm just glad I have all my close circle of friends supporting me. And it may be selfish of me to say, it's nice to know that they all care about me so much. They put aside what they were doing, studying, preparing for labs, getting ready, anything just to talk to me over the past few days. it truly is amazing.

I know half of them don't read this blog, but thank you to H, ST, W, Y, and AB  for being there for me when I needed them, cause honestly without them, I wouldn't know what to do right now. They support me and are willing to be there for me all the time. And sometimes I feel bad using up all their time when they have other things to do. I love these friends to death.

And as I was writing this, an earthquake hit Montreal. It's like the Earth is moved by my friends too :P

I just hope I can be there for my friends when they need me, just liek how they are always there for me when I need them.

-J

Night Thoughts

Hey guys!

So tonight, I had my shortest shift ever! It was only 3 hours long! Yup, before this my shortest shift was 5 hours. All I did was a catering job for a party, so I didn't even have to do much, just show up, set up, serve, clean and leave. And the best part, was I spent a few hours doing nothing but texting and talking to my boss about nonsense. Not to mention that I got to eat the most delicious cookies EVER! They were amazing.

I also got into a fight, well ish, with W, she's mad at me for a prank I pulled on her. But I'm oping we can go back to being best friends, cause I'm s close to her, it feels weird to talking to her. Hopefully she'll forgive me eventually, cause I miss her like crazy :(

You know how people say that bet friends can always fight, butt hen they become friends again super quickly? Well, as much as I want to believe that, I don't think that's always true, I lost a lot of friends through fights, but I;m seriously hoping W isn't one of them...

Anyways, I am tired and need my beauty rest, until next time. And I also hope you guys are getting enough sleep, cause nothing feels better than a whole good nights sleep. Sleep tight and don't let the bed bugs bite!
-J

One Woman Left Behind

Have you guys ever worried, that one day someone you really care about is just going to get up and leave you?

Well I think that more often than I would like to admit. I mean I know my friends are not literally going to just walk away from me. But what I mean is, sometimes don't you wonder why certain people are friends with you, or how these people can stand being around you all the time? I'm not saying that I'm a horrible friend (well at least I hope I'm not a horrible friend).

So I'm super happy that all my friends get along so well, it makes it a lot less awkward when you want to do group activities or just hanging out around campus. But sometimes I think what if they get along better than I do with either one of them, and they find each other more interesting than they find me. What if their friendship just buds of on it's own and mine is left alone. I'm not too concerned that that will happen this year, but what about in a few years from now (granted I still have the same close circle of friends). But I sometimes do wonder if some of my friends will just kind of grow out of our friendship and just leave me behind for another one of my friends or with someone completely different. I know this is a normal process in life, where you lose some people in your life and gain other friends in the process, but the group of friends I have right now (W,ST,H,AK,BB and Y) are amazing. They are like a supportive net for any problems that come my way. I know I would do anything for them and they would do the same for me. And I love that about them. They are honestly some of the closest friends I've ever had. Now I'll admit, some of them know me better than others, and I know some of them better than others, but I love them all.

I've lost friends before, so it's not like if I were to lose one of them I would stop functioning, but thinking about losing them makes me sad... I just hope we remain good friends throughout the rest of our university life, and hopefully for the rest of our lives :)

-J

Time to Catch Up

Hey guys!

So I know it hasn't been that long since I've last updated, but I don't really want to study, so I'm here talking (typing) away. So it's officially been a week since school started, and I am loving it! Sure, the classes are a little harder than before, and there is a lot more reading than before, but it is fun, well maybe being in a class with 700 other people make it seem fun. But yup, I've been seeing most of my friends in the past few days, and even caught up with some I forgot about :P I know I'm a wonderful friend.

So I've been hanging out with H the past few days, like for breaks and after classes and stuff. I was scared that I might have lost him as a really good friend, but surprisingly, we've been able to slip into our usual friendship. It's not as awkward as it was last year after I told him how I felt about him, which is really nice cause I was getting tired of tip-toeing around and trying to find things to say that didn't make our conversations awkward, but we just had a conversation where I was talking about come cute co-workers and it didn't feel awkward (at least on my end). I'm really glad that our friendship seems to not be at a standstill cause I would seriously miss him a little too much. It's nice to have him round and just hear him mumble about anything, and to get into our usual banter about nothing and everything. I no longer get an increased heart rate when seeing him, and I no longer feel nervous around him, so now it's like we truly are best friends.

I've also been spending a lot of time with ST, and Y. I have to say I am so happy that all my friends get along with one another, now I know some of you are like, but you're all friends, shouldn't you all get along anyways? The thing is these are all friends that I've met separately throughout the last few years. So I'm glad that my different friendships can function as one huge one :).

Now there is one person that I've caught up with just today actually, that I kinda forgot about... well not forgot about, but just never got around to texting or calling, well to be fair, he hasn't tried to contact me either. So we're even on that front. I've started talking to SB again. Y asked H about him today and I was like oh ya! SB is still around. H was like you know "SB says that you don't love him anymore and you just ignore him," so I'm like might as well text him. He's still usual SB, calling me son and acting like my mom and being, well weird... Not that i have any normal friends anyways. But yupp it was fun chatting with him after the whole summer.

Other than that I'm just slacking off most of my school work, Instead of reading and writing my own notes at home, I've been hanging out with Y after school, going bubble tea and shopping all the time. I'm also going to try to stick to a weekly work out at my schools athletic complex. Hopefully I'll be able to get fit and loose a few pounds along the way :P and hopefully it will be a good way to channel my stress.

Until next time,
-J

University & the End of Summer

Hey Guys!

So University has started, and I am excited! I know it's going to be a challenge, but it's one I'm looking forward to. This year I'll also be working part time the whole school year (well hopefully the whole school year).

The first week of university is already over and it's not as hard as I thought it would be, it's somewhat like CEGEP (for now anyways), and the one big difference is that being at Mcgill means that I have to hike from Sherbrooke to Pine all the time, and I'm an idiot that only gives myself 10 minutes to get up for my next class... Yes, winter will be wonderful. The other difference is that there is over 750 students in each of my classes. As my friends say: "It's just like in the movies!" The work in some of my classes is somewhat similar to CEGEP work, so I could kind of take it easy for now, as long as I don't fall behind.

I have classes with a lot of old friends this semester too, I have classes with W, ST, H, Y and MK. I'm not sure if there's anyone else, but they are the people that I think of off the top of my head. I've also made a few new friends, well one that I talk to everyday so far. I've mostly been hanging out with W, ST, Y, and a friend I will now name LI. I've known LI for about a semester now cause we had a few classes together in CEGEP

I don't really have anything super exciting to share, cause nothing much has happened yet. It's always the usual: school, work, reading... nothing much has changed.

Ohh and this summer, I have read a total of 19 books! I'm on book 20 right now, and hopefully be done by next weekend, that will be cheating on my goal of 20 books for the summer, but I'm not ready to just dive into my school textbooks just yet. Yes I'm aware of my nerdiness, and I am proud to say that I read so much over one summer, all while working 35-50 hours a week. It has been a total of 19 books which is 7300 pages in total. Some of the books on my list will have to wait until Christmas break and I'm not going to buy anymore books until I'm done with the books I really want to read, and there is still a few left on my list of yet to reads.

Also, for those who live in Quebec, I'm sure you know that The Parti Quebecois won the last provincial elections, and let me just say, Thank God it's a minority win, cause we would not be able to handle a majority one. Marois (party leader) claims that she wants to stop the tuition hikes (which will stop the striking students), abolish Bill78 (which is the law that doesn't allow you to wear a mask while protesting) and of course she is a sovereigntist, so she is pushing for a referendum, and for big companies such as Tim Hortons and McDonalds to have more french names. Now she may be in power, making you think that she has a lot of followers, and although she does, a lot of Quebeckers voted for her, just to have someone new be in power, because Charest has been in power for about 9 years. A lot of people in Quebec actually don't support the referendum, I believe only about 30% support the idea. So we are all hoping that the day when we have to decide if Quebec will become it's own country will never come, but we never know. In the mean time, a lot of anglophones are looking for houses in Ontario, or in H's case, preparing for the worst.

Tell me what you guys think of the election result or if you don't live in Quebec, do you think Quebec has anything to offer the world as it's own country?

Until next time, party hard, study hard and laugh even harder :)
-J

Looking at the Future

Hey guys!

So I've finished book 18 for the summer (sorry ST, I know I said 19... I miss counted).

One of my friends is moving to ttawa this weekend... I haven't really spoken aout her on my blog, but she is present in my life She's one of those people who are mean honest to you, and even though you know they are being honest, her comments hurt. Like you should be able to sencor your thoughts before saying them type mean. But she's nice, I'll let you guys know her as S, this actually might be her first and last time showing up on my blog since she's moving and I don't know how often we'll be able to talk or hang out. So yes, S is sometimes mean and hurtful, but she is always there to listen and there to lend a hand, and even though she is mean, I'm glad she is around to offer her opinion, cause even though it's mean, it gives you an insight on what people think of you.

This post isn't just about me talking about her though :P For those who are interested in H news, well good news! We've been talking again! He just got back from a vacation in Cuba. And he apologized for this Awolness. He says that he isn't good at staying in touch with people, which probably mean that if I want to be his friend, I must be the annoying one that bugs him all the time so we don't drift apart.... Oh how things don't change from CEGEP all that much... But yes, we will keep in touch no matter what >.< and whether he likes it or not, I've already warned him. We have a class together this semester, so maybe it won't be all that hard :) AA has promised to be my study buddy since we don't have any classes together. SB is well, non existent :P I haven't talked to him since about mid/end June... I also have a class with W, and I'm sure we'll be seeing a lot more of each other, at least this year... I can't say about the years after that though. I have a feeling I'm going to have a whole new set of friends by the end of this year, which kinda scares me but at the same time gets me excited. I mean I'll miss everyone cause it'll be different in a sense and some of the people I'm friends with right now are friends from High school, and they are friendships I want to keep for a long time and hope that these people will grow and change with me, maybe not in the same ways and not through the same experiences, but I would like to see them in my future. And by them I mean W, BB, O, Y, ST, AK, and maybe even H, if we end up keeping in touch. Of course I've said this about many friendships over the years and I haven't really been in touch with some people for a long long time, so I know I'll end up loosing some of these people in the long run a well, but I'm hoping I won't.

Also, this school year I shall be employed to work about 10-15 hours a week (I know! Perfect hours for students who want  bit of pocket change). I don't need the job for the money though, it's more for my CV and just keeping myself busy. I've noticed that when I have free time I tend to procrastinate, I noticed that last year, when I was still working I focused a lot more on school and actually did better in school despite less time studying. Now this could have been due to the fact that it was because it was the beginning of the semester, but it actually went through midterms and a few papers, and I started the year off better than I ended (well in some classes). I did better in my Biology and Physics lass as the year progressed, which was a big surprise. But I noticed that while I worked, I was more set to do things because I knew I wouldn't have time for it later, I managed my time a lot better, and hopefully this helps in University as well.

Now I know some of you may be waiting for me o find a new love interest or decide on which guy I actually like, but to be honest, I don't think I like anyone at the moment, yes I find some people at work good looking and I like being around them, but I don't like them like them... It's hard to explain, but I have a feeling some of you guys know what I'm talking about. And it's kind of annoying how a lot of my friends suddenly say things like "You and H looked like such a cute couple" or "I always though your feelings were reciprocal" or "You guy were like a couple, all you were missing was a kiss" and it's kind of like, I'm trying to get over this kid, and even though you give me positive things about the relationship we could have/kind of did have, it's not helping me get over the fact that he said he didn't like me. But it also helps me in a way (I know, I'm weird) because it makes me feel a little better because now I know he did kind of give signs that other people were able to read and I wasn't just looking into things... so for those friends reading this, I don't know if I hate of don't mind the comments. I also still get a lot of "Maybe you and SB had something going on" and I'm just like argh, why does everyone think that?! There is nothing wrong with SB let me get that clear right away, but it's just that I didn't like him that way. SB is actually a really smart, humble, funny and really cute. Sometimes I ask myself why I didn't like him instead (just like some of you), but hearts are known to be difficult creatures and we often don't have a choice in the matters of the heart.

Anyways, this will be the end of this post, because I have to get going to bed since I have work tomorrow. I hope you guys are okay with me not posting as much as I have been this summer since I have work and school and studying, and I still semi want to have a life. But of course I'll still tell you guys about bigger things that are happening :)

See you guys soon,
-J

So according to...

So according to some of the people at work I've matured a lot in the past year, and I wanted to know in what way I've become more mature. So I decided to ask this guy, MD. Well not so much ask as say: "So G (the guy who commented on this originally) said 'In the nicest way possible, you've matured a lot over the past year.'" MD responded "to be honest, you have," he went on to say other things along with saying that I've become more confident in myself. He said it's not that I wasn't confident last year, but he said that last year, I gave more of a follower vibe whereas this year I'm a leader. In his words "You've become a boss." He says he doesn't know if it's just because I've changed cause of school, or because of my promotion, but I've really gained a lot of confidence in myself and I look like I know what I'm doing. I'm not longer the "new" person around. And yes, we joked about how a promotion could change a person over night, like "BAM! I got a promotion, I must be more confident!" Work is not all serious around here.

But it's really nice to hear from other people that I've become more confident in myself, cause I'm not able to tell, I mean, I'm with myself all the time, so I'm not able to see the transitions that I go through day to day, and my close friends don't notice either, because they spend a lot of time with me. MD and G can tell because we haven't seen each other in a year, so they can see in a sense, the "old" me and the "new" me. And it's nice to know that these two people whose opinion I trust think that I've become a better version of myself.

Hope I can keep working on my self confidence over the next year :)
-J

She's Back & a Busy Schedule

Hey guys!

So guess what! ST is back, yes you heard me right, she is back, well to be fair I don't remember if I told you guys that she was out of town... I think I did, but I really don't remember. But she is back! And that's all that matters! I missed her so much, I've spent a month not seeing her. When I got her text message, I stood in the freezer at work just to reply to her text. Yes I'm super excited that she is back, and I'm even willing to wake up early to see her tomorrow, and yes, I am aware that for that to happen, I should be in bed by now, but, bad sleeping habits die hard.

And I know I've been posting regularly and now all of a sudden I just stopped posting for a while, but to be honest nothing much is going on in my life at the moment. I'll let you guys in on a secret (if you haven't already figured it out), my life is super boring. Well there you have it, there is my secret.

Basically, I'm getting geared up for orientation wee at school. I have a bunch of events lined up, along with work (luckily LaRonde is closed for the week) so I have a little more time to organize events into. I have events for every day next week, of course not all are linked to school. I have a friend coming form Vancouver to visit, and I have to, absolutely have to see her cause I didn't have time to last year. I have to see ST, I have the organized events with school, I have work (what else is new, although only during the weekend) and I have a BBQ with some of my co-workers. It's a jam packed week and the fact that it's labour day weekend that weekend does not help me one bit. But I'm hoping everything is going to work out, fingers crossed.

And before you ask, or before you think I forgot, I'm going to state now that I'm not going to be going to my FROSH. For those who don't know what FROSH is, it's orientation week sure, but what most people know it as is a week long party where freshmen get to know one another and party and get drunk. I unfortunately will not be attending because a) it's $135 (yes, I'm cheap), b) LABOUR DAY weekend = work (I know what you're thinking, but let me tell you now, my boss isn't that old and he isn't stupid either, he knows about FROSH) c) I'm not into alcohol and partying d) one of the days is at LaRonde and frankly, anytime I'm there even for fun, it feels like work. So you can say I'll regret not going all you want, but I don't think I will.

Until next time! I simply need sleep, I need a decent face to see ST tomorrow morning, and I need a pretty face for the birthday party I'm going to tomorrow as well. Wish me luck on my tight schedule next week. Boy problems will be on another post because I am simply too tired for my own good.

-J

p.s. Tell me if you guys went/ are going to your FROSH.

And It's a Go!

Okay, so remember when I told you guys I had a dream about me and L? And we were dating, and dancing or what not, and I said it was totally bonkers? Well, I'm starting to think maybe not...

So I've recently realized that I might not like him like him, but I definitely have some attraction towards him. It's not so much that I want to date him, but I don't know, just be around him? I know what some of you are thinking, but he is not a guy I would date. I just know he's not, it's a gut feeling. But I do feel something, which is strange...

On the other hand T just had his official last day, so that means no more T, I'm never going to see him again, because of the fact that we both go to different schools... Ohh life. I'll miss his little cluelessness and his laugh, such an adorable laugh.

Other than that, my NYC trip is going to happen! So excited! Can't wait to be off before Uni starts! It's going to be a 3 day trip with 2 of my friends, yes a bunch couldn't come cause of personal reasons, but I'm not going to let that be a bummer. I shall enjoy this trip no matter what! And of course shop! Sigh, there goes all the money I made this summer :P But hopefully it'll be worth it and hopefully I might have something to talk about when I get back! Can't wait to get some major shopping done and just get time away from work and just enjoy a few days on my own. Plus the night before I leave, there is a free, yes FREE, MSO concert at the Olympic stadium. I've always wanted to go see one of their shows and I'm not willing to pay 50$ for a concert that I might not end up liking, so this is going to be a test run to see if I'll like it or not. I feel like a free concert for something I've wanted to see for a good 4 years now is a good way to start off my mini vacation before school starts and reality sets in.

And I'm on my 13th book for the summer! Yes, 13! I'm a nerd, that I shall admit. But I am very proud of myself, although the books aren't super hard to read English classics, I'm still doing very well, maybe on the last post of the summer I'll add up all the pages I have read and impress you guys :P Probably won't do that great of a job, but meh, a girl can try.

I'm also trying to squeeze as many activities in for the rest of the summer as possible, so I'm making plans to meet up for lunch or supper or ways to spend the day, cause to be honest, I might not be friends with some of the friends i have right now for longer, with us going to different Universities in different programs and for some, even in different provinces... It may be time to say bye to some friends, so I will cherish what ever time we have left together.

Well, feel free to tell me what you think of my summer plans, my bookwormness or just say hi :)

-J