Hey guys, so it's two days past new years and I'm already breaking the be more confident. But I said I would try, it doesn't mean I'll be good at it. But this post isn't about my new years resolutions, cause come on it's been 2 days, I have a year to do the stuff on my list. I'm actually confused, and wish I had a little sister to talk things out with about, but I don't and I know my friends are busy with others things, so I turn to you guys, and in this case maybe you guys is no one, but it's nice to just write things down. Obviously I do own a journal, but I made this blog a little over a year ago to share with you guys my experiences, so I figure why not, since this is what the blog is made for, although I have some readers that I would have never thought would read my blog. A lot of you might have noticed that sometimes my posts are random, or they switch gears really randomly, like one minute I'm headed one direction and the next I'm going the other way, but that's cause all my posts are written in one shot. Or as one shot as I try to make it cause sometimes I do get distracted with family or other things. But they are not planned out and they are not spell checked and proofread (although if I notice a mistake, I try to fix it). I don't reread through my posts after they have been posted, this is seriously like a journal type blog, so please bear with me and my random thoughts.
So what I'm confused about tonight is a guy, and ST and W and even O, you don't have to keep reading cause you already know what the issue is. But I just want to get all my feelings down and then see for myself how I really feel and how I should go about my confusion, hopefully it doesn't just confuse me more than it already has, cause it seems like every time I try to figure this out, it just gets worse.
So I've talked about L before and there have been a lot of negative things about him, but he's not always a complete ass. I can't remember what the first ting I said about him is, but I remember telling you guys that I was showing interest in him, whether that was this year or last year (I really can't remember when he first showed up on my blog). But in real life, it been more than a year. You know that guy that you kind of like, but you don't at the same time, like the one that you love and hate at the same time. Ya that's what I feel with him, and the thing is, maybe I just realized this as I'm writing it, but he has the potential to be a really good best guy friend. I mean he isn't like a lot of the guys I know cause most of them are studious and in a sense "good." He's smart in his own ways, and he's got a pretty good sense in style, like I would want to walk around shopping with him cause he would totally try on the clothes I get him. He's bad in a sense, not totally bad ass being a thug bad, but he's not the best influence I can be around. But he has his quirks, he's fun to argue with and to be silly around, and on some level I feel very comfortable around him.
So what confuses me? Well I don't know if I like like him and see him as a potential boyfriend, or I just like being around him and want him as just a friend. The thing is I kind f see myself going out with him, but at the same time I don't, and ST is right, I'm scared of being in a relationship, like I like the idea, but when it clicks that it might be real, I freak and friendzone a lot of people. And the thing is, how can someone who likes the idea of relationships so much be scared of them? Well cause I always see the bad sides of them, I've helped my friends with a fair share of heartbreak (and well I've nursed a few of my own) and it's scary, all the hurt that falls out from so much love. I don't know if I'm ready to deal with all of that. And obviously I know that I will never know unless I put myself out there ad try, but I'm scared. Scared that I'm not good enough, or that the relationship will end really badly, and the thing is I get attached very easily, so it's going to be hard for me when I go through my first break up with someone. The rejection I've faced once, and that was a shock, although I was expecting it. So I think I'm just scared of not being rejected by the ones I love, or being abandoned by them when they see that I'm not as nice as they think I am.
So back to L, I don't know if I like him like him, and a lot of times when it's just us two, I always think, maybe I should just kiss him and get this over with. Cause maybe kissing him would tell me if I really like him or not, cause I remember my first kiss and I didn't feel anything from that other than the loud booming music in the background. So maybe when we kiss someone we actually like we do feel fireworks or whatever. And I always think that, which annoys me, cause a) I don't normally think things like "hey let's just kiss" and b) I'm not that bold! But something about him just, I don't know, makes me want to really find out if I like him or not, and I'll admit, I have a hard time figuring out if I like a guy or not, but with him, it's like the harder I try, the more blurred the lines become. There are sides to him which I like and others that I'm a little wishy washy about, but all in all, he's a good kid.
I like that when I'm with him, we can sit in silence, I used to sit with him on the bus for 20 minutes in complete silence and it wouldn't be awkward, well at first when I didn't know him that well then obviously it was awkward, but we got to a point where we just sat next to each other or facing one another and it would be fine to just listen to our music and not talk, with a lot of other people, I feel the need to fill the silence even though it's not awkward to begin with. With him, it's just nice to sit there and enjoy the company. Also I like that he's open, like he would complain about work to me and tell me about the girls that have rejected him (which always turns out to be pretty entertaining), and he would tell me how he doesn't like his parents much, or his brother for that matter, and he would also tell me his plans for school and his future living conditions, now don't get all "He's totally into you!" yet, cause I know he tells other people about this stuff too. I'm not the only special one that gets into the mind of L. Although I know he likes to vent about stuff with me, I don't know if he also does this with BD, which kind of annoys me, cause you guys know how much I love her -.- And if you didn't I just made it completely evident. They are pretty good friends, so maybe they both talk shit about me behind my back, but that is besides the point. I don't know who else he would tell his stories to besides me, so I don't feel special in regards to that point.
The thing about him is that he has a lot of characteristics of what I don't look for in a guy, I mean he smokes pot, he dropped out of school (although he's going back to school this semester), he parties all the time, gets wasted a lot. But he also has a plan for where he wants to be headed, and even though a lot of the times things get in the way of his plans, he plans around them. Like he just lost his job twice in the past 4 months be he isn't going to let that stop him from planning to move out and to go on vacations to really cool places around the world. Although I know he's bummed and piss about it, he's not the time to sit around and complain about it and mope around. He'll get up and try looking for other jobs and still go out with friends. He's also one of the guy that will brush up on things he doesn't know and is pretty strongly opinionated. When I'm with him, it's like being with a good friend, I can just be myself, no need to impress or to show off and I'm pretty relaxed around him, I would push him around and joke around with him. Although I've noticed that I have a hard time looking him in the eye (just like everyone else I'm close to). It's a habit, I think I'm scared of seeing that they judge me as I talk or do something, or it's a low self esteem thing.
Is it normal that I have been thinking about all this stuff with L for over a year? In my head it isn't, I mean I barely know the kid! And according to a lot of people, I make him sound like as asshole, and I think I may have a point making him sound that way, I mean he's told me that he is only interested in girls that register as a 5 or higher on his list and that I am not in that category. Today when we met up for bubble tea, I noticed that his eyes traveled south from my face a few times, and for long enough for me to notice too.
But at the same time, I like how he was being honest with me in telling me that BD hates me, not that I didn't know before hand, I mean she makes it really obvious. Right now a bunch of us are in the running to be manager at work. BD is already the manager, but if she leave I'm next in line and L also believes that he is in the running, but my boss has stated many times that he is not. And apparently BD made a statement making it sound like I want to steal her job even thought she is still working for my boss, and from that L told me that she was being very hateful about it. It was funny hearing it from him since I know that they are pretty good friends. I am glad that since BD is staying manager, I won't have to take the position and feel bad about being manager even though L wanted the position too. I mean, I wouldn't mind taking it from BD but i consider L a friend, so I would feel bad about it.
So I guess this post didn't really help with anything other than make me realize that I want to keep him around cause after all he is a friend. So that's a start right? And I think I would rather keep him as a friend than be something more with him, at least that's what I get after writing the post.
Sorry it got so long though, I wasn't expecting it to be this long, and I deviated a lot from the actual goal of the post, but I can't control my thoughts, I'm only human :P
I guess I'll end this post with a quote from Taylor Swift: "I knew you were trouble when you walked in." I could not have explain it better myself, and right now this is one of my favorite songs and people say that your favorite songs are your favorite because they speak to you in a sense.
-J
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