A Shoulder to Lean On

You know when you have a good friend? And you know that no matter what, they have a shoulder for you to cry on or lean on? Well, today I found one, well, I always knew it was there for me, but I realized today that I like this shoulder A LOT :P. It was comfy, like a pillow, and fit like a glove (does that make sense when I'm referring to a shoulder?) But anyways, yes, I found a shoulder to lean on. This shoulder belongs to H, now some of you guys may be rolling your eyes, and going of course it's him you doofus! You talk about him all the time! But remember I was having my doubts with him. I'm never sure if we're both in each others friend zones, or we might actually have something going on, and once again, I am kind of hopeless when it comes to guys. But today, I felt very comfortable leaning my head on his shoulders. I would usually feel awkward doing it, but it really didn't, it actually felt very natural to me. The thing is I've thought of doing this to people in the past, H, AA and maybe two others in my whole entire life. With AA it was just cause we were in class and I was tired, and he was sitting next to me, and it was 8AM and you know zzz... The same went for the other two guys. But with H, I've thought of it pretty often, but I've never done it till today. He started putting his head on my shoulder first, and then I did it. We just sat there like that, my head on his shoulder, his head on my head. And we were in public, at our volunteer thing. But it felt so natural, I have no other way of describing it, I don't know if it was awkward for him, but to me, it felt right. It wasn't awkward, it wasn't weird, I didn't feel like I shouldn't be doing it, it was just right. I really have no other way of describing it.

And ST just told me when we got home that she thought we looked cute together and that she thinks we would make a cute couple. This of course made me super happy, so thank you ST!

The only thing I hate though it that sometimes I feel like we have something, then I feel like it's not there the next day, but then I still enjoy my time being spent with him. And I know I said I would be okay if he dated someone else as long as we were friends, or at least I think I said that. I just realized today that I'm not. In no way would I want to see him with another girl. I know it's selfish of me, because he should be happy, but I know that I wouldn't be able to handle it. It would be too much for me. I realized this when we were with other girls, and seeing him with them made me jealous, it wasn't as bad before, but today, it just really hit home. And some of you may be thinking, but of course, after your whole head on his shoulder thing, you should feel jealous, but this happened before that. Usually I let it slide, but today I wasn't able to let it slide, it just really really bugged me.

This whole thing is just getting so complicated in my head, and I seriously wish I could just tell him how I feel, but I still don't feel ready, and at the same time, I don't know when the right time would be...

-J