Dreaming Of You

So lately I've been having dreams about H. Nothing has happened in real life between us yet, although I feel like we have gotten closer o one another recently. We've been texting each other everyday, from morning till night. He's really busy though, but he still makes time to talk to me. For the past few nights, I've been dreaming of him, of us being together and going out. Like all the other couples, we're going on dates and holding hands. It's really cute, and it makes me realize how much I like him. I feel safe and confident around him. I'm never afraid of him judging me, or thinking I'm stupid. I can be myself around him, and he can be himself around me too. I really like that.

But I also realized that I think about him a lot more than I have ever thought of any of my previous crushes. I don't think I was this conscious of my thoughts of my first love. And that is really saying something because I liked him for 5 years. But I constantly think about H, could be because of something he's going through, and I'm worried about him. But does that explain why every time my phone rings, I wish it were him? I think it's safe to say that what I feel fro him is more than a crush. And what's killing me most of all is I'm not sure how he feels about me. I wish I was one of those girls who could read guys, know what he felt about me and if he were interested or not, but I'm not. I have no experience with guys. So I sit here and wonder if while I'm thinking of him, he's thinking about me. I really want to tell him how I feel about him, but I'm almost too certain of the answer, maybe because I'm negative, or maybe it's my gut instinct, but I just have a feeling that the answer is going to be that he doesn't feel the same way about me. Although I do catch him looking at me when he thinks I don't notice, and we always share smiles with one another, and compliment each other, I just have a feeling that in the end it won't work out, maybe because I'm afraid to loose him. But I think that one day, I will tell him how I feel, that day may come too late, but I want him to know how special he is to me, even if it isn't reciprocal.

-J

Love Sucks

There is no other way of putting it. Love sucks. It's the one thing that makes us feel lonely, stay up late at night, and makes us constantly worry, amoung many other things. When we find love, we are happy, when we loose love we are sad, when we are in love, we yearn. There is always a feeling associated with love. and more often than other, this feeling is sadness or yearning. I'm not saying that love is a bad thing. No, in fact I think that being in love is one of the best feelings in the world, no matter what kind of emotions are associated with it. What I'm saying is that sometimes, I wonder if it's all worth it. To go through all of this, even though you know what you're chasing is an impossible goal.

For someone like me, I feel like the goal is always an impossible one. A love that is always felt in only one direction. I always fall for the wrong guys, the douche, the friend, the ones that I know don't like me the same way I like them. As as much as I want to tell my heart not to fall for these guys, I continuously do anyways. Can someone please tell my heart to stop? Cause it seems like every time I fall for someone, I just end up more miserable. I'm not saying that anything is wrong with my crush on H, I'm just saying that I don't think we'll ever work out. I means religion does come into play, but that is not may main issue. What I'm worried about is what he thinks of me. I know I'm not a perfect person, I have so many flaws they can't be counted with both hands and feet. But he seems to truly like me for who I am, and he see's the real me that many others seem to never see. He understand what I go through, and we have a lot of common flaws as well. And despite my earlier post about being out of the friend-zone, I'm still scared that he might think of me as just a really good friend.

He's told me before that he trusts me and he tells me stuff he only tells people he's super close to, but that doesn't clear me from the friend-zone. In fact that may just push me further into it, and although we avoid using the words "friend" and "buddy" when talking to one another, doesn't mean he doesn't think it. Yes, we've only known each other for a year, but he is really one of the closest people to me right now. I feel like I can tell him anything, and he will understand and help me get through it. and I know he feels the same way because we've been dumping stuff on each other for a while now. In this little year we've known each other, well six months that we've really know each other, we have really gotten to know each other, and I am so blessed and thankful to have him in my life. He's the one that keeps me smiling when I'm sad, and keeps me up when I'm down. And I hope I do the same for him, because a part of love is to always be there for those you love.

Having a crush on him is so hard though, I just know that no matter how much I want to tell him I like him, I won't. I feel like I can't do it, mostly because I don't want to find out he doesn't like me and because I don't want to lose him. But the more I think about it, the more I know that my crush on his is not going to go anywhere. I wish I could get him out of my mind, but I can't, the harder I try, the more he seems to stay. I wish there was a way for me to find out how you really feels about me, without me getting hurt.

-J