What is on the Other Side of This Mountain?

Hey guys!

So as you guys may know, I have been very stressed about my future lately. I am currently a U2 student, which means that I will be graduating next semester and then, well... life happens. Not that life hasn't already started, but I think you guys know what I mean, like a real job, getting your own place to live and all that stuff. Hopefully I can still bum at my parents place for, maybe forever :P but it is scary.

Right now I am looking for something a little more in my field, which for those of you who don't know it is in the science field, more on the cell biology/anatomy/pharmacology side of science and it is getting a little tricky. Some of you might know that I failed a class previously, and if I actually never mentioned that, then yes, I have failed a class before and it took one hell of a bite out of my GPA. But it's getting tricky because I failed that class and  cause of that my GPA sucks, plus I have no lab experience, so good luck to me to finding a job in my own field when I am competing with people with amazing GPAs and people that are ultra competitive because they want to get into med school.

I emailed a lab recently to ask for a position they were offering and the response was basically, you are not a competitive enough candidate due to your GPA, you would to be very successful because we are looking for someone who is competitive enough to be able to win an award. Obviously worded nicer than that, to be honest, I would have preferred to not have had a response, it would have been less of a punch in the face.

I'm worried because it is hard to get into a lab, they expect you to have experience and to have an amazing GPA, and I just don't have either. But let's face it, not everyone is a 4.0 super decorated GPA 21 year old. But it is the career path I chose, so I guess I have to suck it up and hope for the best right?

I know not many labs will take people like me because we are seen as the slackers and the ones that can't win awards, but how would they know? They look at one thing and that is what they judge you with, but not all hardworking people get the best results (although in this case it is the truth) but some people fall into the cracks and we all fail at some point in our lives, we don't always get what we get. So it is hard, and to be honest, if I was hiring someone I would judge based on the same criteria. But at the same time, I'm 21, and I'm trying to figure out my life, what do I like? what do I want? How do I know, I haven't even lived for that long yet!

It's hard though, seeing people you know get amazing grades, or get amazing job/school opportunities and here I am, wandering around, dragging my feet while so many people around me are achieving greatness. Some are more humble about it than others and some aren't happy with what they have, but I can guarantee you that if you were in my shoes looking at you, you would be happier in your position than in mine. Although I love my current job, it's not something that is going to lead me anywhere in life. If I were in business it would be an amazing thing for me now, I recently recruited people for this years wave of employees and I have experience in employee training and management, but does any of that count in my field? Not that I have seen so far. I'm not complaining though, thanks to this job i have made friends with people that I have never expected to make friends with and I have gotten the chance to get out of my shell and stand up for myself when I need to. I was one hell of an unconfident girl before this job (not that I am that much better now, but the me 4 years ago and the me now is a totally different girl). But it is still hard to look at what everyone else is accomplishing and look at what I am accomplishing. I mean one of my old TA's who is a year or two older than me, just got accepted into a PhD program at the University of Oxford in a program that only accepts 5 people annually, she's worked at 6 labs already and she has TA'd, she has also been in arts programs and she also teaches herself to play an amazing array of instruments and she finds time to have fun and kick ass. How do people have so much talent (not to mention time)?!

No, I am not jealous of her, in fact, I think she deserves it, she is amazingly humble and she is amazingly talented and I think this is something she deserves because she has that drive and that passion in her that a a lot of people in this day and age and not to mention, people in science, don't have. She is genuinely nice and humble and in my mind, she deserves this opportunity more than any other science student I know.

But once again, it gets scary to see people around me accomplish such amazing things, while I still feel like a fish floating around, going nowhere, or trying to get somewhere but end up swimming in circles coming  back to the same thing over and over again. I've thought of career paths in the future, but none of them necessarily feel right or seem right, and I'm worried that by the time I get to the top of this mountain, I won't like what I see on the other side, or worse, find out that it's a cliff with nothing but a void on the other side.

-J

Will It Ever Happen?

Hey guys,

Lately I've been feeling bummed about quite a bunch of things, which really doesn't make sense because I am doing great in school so far (generally I only pick myself up  around finals and do really well then). My friends are all there supporting me and I'm not fighting with any of them, I finished all my midterms and I'm just waiting for spring break to roll around.... There's really no reason for me to feel so down.

But lately, I have been wondering if one day I will find my Prince Charming. I really don't know why I feel this way lately, it's not like any of my close friends just got into a relationship or got engaged or married or anything. On the contrary, the only relationship related things that have happened within my close circle is really something that should not be celebrated at all. But nonetheless, I still feel like I will be, in terms of a better term... Forever alone. I guess there is a combination of factors that are involved, and surprisingly, Valentine's Day wasn't one of the factors, I actually enjoyed seeing all the guys walk around with bouquets or roses and present, and seeing people get serenaded in public is always a bonus.

I guess it's cause lately I've been very subconscious about the way I look and the way I come across to guys. I've always been very conscious about the way I look, let's face it, I'm not skinny, nowhere close, I'm on the overweight side and I know it. I don't have good skin and I have white hair that I have to constantly dye, all of that doesn't exactly add up to confidence. I've tried eating healthier and results take time so it is not the easiest time, I have been changing and adding to my skin routine to see what works and it is helping, but when stress comes around, there is nothing that can help my skin. I've tried masks, mint teas, changing my facewash/toner/moisturizer and none of them really make a difference. I also try exercising, and I will admit that I am guilty of not being good at keeping with a workout routine. Although I did sign up for Color Me Rad... so I have to start training, and stat!

Now I know that a real guy will like you for what's on the inside and not what's on the outside, but it would be amazing to be able to feel comfortable in my skin and not be self conscious all the time about the way I look or if my skin is looking especially troll like that particular day.

It would also help if I had more male friends, but unfortunately most of my friends aren't into the whole let's get to know someone other than girls thing.... unless it's a guy from a bar that is, and that kind of limits the people I get to meet and the people I hang out with, especially when one of the friends I'm always with goes completely mute when I'm around some of my guy friends.... which doesn't make it pleasant for anyone.

I guess I'm at an age where people always ask if I'm dating and it is making me super self conscious. Or maybe it's because a lot of people I know are in a relationship, or are always going out on dates, and I can count the amount of times I have been on a date with one hand, well maybe 2, I don't even know, but it leads to some worrying.

And with friends that always somehow look amazing and are normal weight, and too many of my friends that are underweight, I just feel like it's hard to catch a guys attention when you have a little blob walking next to someone that looks like what society expects a girl to look like.

I also have a tendency to be too friendly with people, and for this reason, completely throw people into the friendzone without knowing it... there are just so many things with me that are wrong for building relationships with guys that sometimes I think I'll never find someone. Yes, I talk to guys a lot and I can joke around with them about stuff, but that is not the same as being interested in someone and it sure as hell doesn't mean that they will be interested in me. If only life where like that...

Anyways, I am sorry for this ridiculous rant that probably doesn't even make any sense, but it's on my mind for a while and it's been bumming me out so much,
-J

Observations

Lately I feel like a lot of my friends have been becoming more and more, I'm not sure how to put it, it isn't selfish or self-centered... but at the same time it kind of is. They have become a lot more self-orientated. Maybe they have always been that way and I just never noticed, but I've started seeing it lately. Maybe it is just because of the specific time in our lives where we want to find out what we want to do in our futures, but at the same time I think it might be something a little more. Although Marx believed that human nature is altruistic and not selfish, I don't always believe that. I think that we are all capable of being selfish, and deep down we all care about our own survival a lot. But this isn't a sociology class, so let me get back to my point. I've started noticing that a lot of my friends aren't as unselfish or as open minded as I once believed. Now I'm not saying that they are people walking around with tunnel vision, and I am also not saying that I am the most open minded, unselfish person out there, I'm far from it, but this is just based on observations that I've been making.

I've noticed that I have friends who will only focus on what will get them ahead, whether in education or at work. They get rid of people who they deem to be "useless" to their ultimate goal and they try their hardest to build the right bridges, but are quick to burn them as they built ones that are more useful to their goal.

Some have also become concerned with protecting their little bubble, they will not be bothered with anything that is not within their spectrum and do not seem opened to ideas that are beyond their system of belief. They won't go out of their way to understand something, nor will they go out of their way to see if a close one is dealing with something in their personal life. They are content with sitting in the serenity of their bubble to the point where anything that does not affect them and only them is none of their concern.

I also have friends who believe that everyone is out to get them and to make them fail at their current task. Maybe a form of paranoia, but they go as far as to believe that even close friends and family are setting them up for failure and only want to see them fail and they will automatically hate anyone that they see in this way.

I've also noticed people who refuse to be open to ideas beyond what they deem to be right and wrong and they reject anyone who they see as different from what they believe the way people should act and look. They will not even give people a chance depending on what the person does or who the person is with and automatically deems them as something that is not worth getting to know.

And I've noticed that a lot of my friends don't bother going beyond the surface before they tag someone with a certain tag and not try to get beyond the tag to see if it is true. I'm not saying that I'm not superficial when it comes to tagging people too, but I feel like my friends tag people as "hot", "weird", "freak" but don't want to go deeper than that to see what the person is actually like. They refuse to allow the illusion that they have put on the person be broken by anyone but themselves and even when they are broken, it is broken superficially, without getting to know the person.

Now, I'm not saying all of my friends are this way, nor am I saying that I am not like this. I believe we all have this in us and that we are all capable of selfish acts, but I've noticed these things in a lot of my friends and it has given me a different view of them. It hasn't changed how I feel about my friends, because I still love them in their own weird way. But it has made me question if I am the same way, or why I haven;t noticed it in them previously.

I guess in a way I'm tired of my friends seeming like they think the world only encompasses themselves, and thinking only of themselves or living in imagined worlds. Sometimes it gets painful to see, and I'll admit at times it gets annoying. Especially when my friends tag guys as a title and then lives everyday as if the image that they portrayed on the guy is true, when in fact they know nothing about the guy. I guess I just wish everyone was just a little more open minded, I feel like this way there would be a lot less conflict and there would also be a lot more room for understanding one another.

Sorry about this weird post, it's just something that's been on my mind for a while
-J

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

So it's a new Year meaning that it's that time of year when we all make resolutions that we almost never ever keep and then we feel bad about them at the end of the year, but I thought of not making any new years resolutions this year, I want to make a commitment to myself and not just because it is a new year. There will be no deadline and there will be no end product. But it is basically a new years resolutions, but in a different form, cause most of us know what we don't end up keeping out resolutions for long.

This year, I want to get into shape (like every other year), but I really want to do it this year. And that is why I'm not really setting a goal, I want myself to be motivated to make a change in my life and not force myself to. I also want to be more confident in myself, this one can't really have a deadline I guess, but I've been more and more confident in the past years and I would like that to continue in the years to come.

I also want to find more time for myself, I want to write more and draw/paint more this year. I've realized that I get my ideas together a lot more when I'm writing compared to when I'm talking to someone. I also tend to be more honest when I'm writing. I want to start drawing/painting again because I kind of get lost in my own world when I do (same for when I write). I just focus on what I'm doing at that time and it gets me away from what I'm stressed about.

Besides New Years stuff, I figure since I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, I would do a 10 things about J (so that would be 50 in total I guess, the first 40 can be found here and here).

1. I get jealous really easily
2. I wish I was more artistic
3. My close circle of friends doesn't change much, but my friends always come and go
4. I always think of the what ifs
5. I'm my own biggest obstacle
6. I have issues with closure cause I'm afraid of losing someone for good. I like to believe that everyone deserves a second chance
7. I have two brothers
8. I get paranoid really easily
9. I love playing around with makeup, but I feel uncomfortable wearing it
10. I'm a lot more selfish than people think

I guess they area ll pretty depressing things, but I guess at least I know what my flaws are and I could somewhat work on them :P

Hope 2014 will be kind to all of us and we will have a year that is more amazing than the last ;)
-J

Uncertain Future

Hey guys,

So recently I've been thinking about my future, and right now what it looks like is a blank wall. I have no idea what I want to do in a few years. I have no idea if the field I'm in right now is what I want to do for the rest of my life or if it is just a waste of time. I know I'm not the only person in these shoes right now. I mean, we are pretty old and in a few years we will be independent (if we aren't already). And to be honest, it scares me that I don't know in what direction my life is taking me. I want to be able to say this is what I want to be and this is what I have to do to get there. I would love to just have something planned, even if it won't happen, just to know I have something to look forward to or to try to accomplish. Right now I feel like I'm just in limbo. I keep asking myself if I'm wasting time, or if I'm screwed for my future, or if I should be doing more of this or more of that.I really don't know what I want to be doing and lately just the uncertainty has been unmotivating me. I keep thinking "Why waste time on this if this isn't what I want to be doing for the rest of my life?"

I'm lucky that my parents aren't forcing me to become something, they let me become what I want to become, unless I want to be a hobo or a couch potato, they might have issues with that. But they don't expect me to be a doctor or a lawyer or anything else. My life is my decision. And am blessed to have parents who support me, despite the fact that they don't fully understand where my program will lead me to in the future. They just want me and my brothers to have a good education and to at least have a degree in something, whether it be a trade, college or undergraduate degree.

I have to admit that sometimes I envy the people that know what they want to become and go for it and some are very successful, which brings me why I said that I envy them sometimes. There are the people who know what they want to become and go for it, and most are happy, some are unhappy but do it anyways because they want to or because they feel pressured to. But there are some that are set in becoming something then get lost on the way there and when they are lost they are helpless, they feel like they have nothing left and that all that is left in their lives is nothing, that they won't be able to accomplish anything because that one opportunity is cut off. But it is simply untrue, we are always exposed to opportunities and it is up to us to seize them and to be able to make something out of them. In the last year I've noticed that a lot of people don't seize the opportunities given to them because they feel like it won't lead them anywhere. But how would they know without attempting? We never know what we like and don't like until we have tried it, only then can we truly know if something is for us or if it isn't.

Some people, myself included, have opportunities that come to them, but realize that they are at the wrong time in their lives or that they are unrelated to what we truly want to do in our lives. This helps because it gives you a sense of whether or not you are in the right directions. But in my case it has confused em even more than not having the opportunity. You get to see the good and the bad in the different opportunities that are given to you, if you chose to take them. And sometimes, you can't tell the difference between the good and the bad. And sometimes, the good and bad aren't simply black and white, but a big grey mess.

I've never know what I wanted to be, my answers have been changing so much over the years, like a lot of other people. It has gone from teaching, to writing, to acting, to pharmacist, to photographer, to researcher, to ophthalmologist... but I am never sure, I always have doubts. And it makes it hard with school too, when your  grades aren't good enough or when you love somethings but have a lot of other things in your classes. When do the positives outweigh the negatives?

I'm 20, soon to be 21 and I am scared that I don't know what I want to be doing 10 years from now. I wish that I would at least have an idea, even just a little one. But I feel like I don't have that many opportunities due to my grades and my experience. All I know is that I want to be able to help people and interact with people. I want to be able to put a smile on people's faces and know that I'm doing something positive in their lives. But to be able to do that, I feel like I would have to make myself happy first. I feel like I need to find myself, I need to be able to comfortable in my own skin and I have to be able to know what I'm good at and what I'm bad at and to be honest (and this is sad to say), I have no clue what I'm good and bad at.

I want to take a year off and travel to try to find myself and to find something that will truly inspire me, but I don't have the money for that, and what if I do take a year off and nothing happens and I figure nothing out and I just end up back in the cycle that I was in before and I would still be unhappy and uncertain, but I would also be unhappy at myself for wasting a year.

I think one of my main problems is that I have too many doubts. I keep doubting my own abilities and I have a feeling that at the end of the day that might be what is cutting off my opportunities. I will try to change that, but it is just so hard when you're trying to figure your future out but you just keep coming up with a blank wall :(

I seriously need some time to myself to just figure out my whole entire life, maybe not my whole entire life, but like the not so distant future. Right now I'm considering so many things, like graduate programs, or doing a technical degree, or trying to find a job with the undergraduate degree that I am currently trying to finish. My dream job would be to own a cafe and just make pastries and serve people coffee and put a smile on customers faces for a while, but there are so many holes in that idea. My second dream job would to be a novelist, I love coming up with ideas and imagining them coming to life, I also love getting lost in my own little world. Believe it or not, this little scientist has a creative side :P Or I would love to own an online business or just get paid to travel and explore places. But until I find that something I want to be, I'll be continuing my uncertain undergrad and hoping that something positive will come out of it.

Hoping your futures look brighter than mine,
-J

Friends

Hey guys!

Yes, a procrastination post, what a surprise! So as the title suggest this is a post about friends. Now I know I've posted something similar to what I want this post to be about (but I'm too lazy to go an check if I have), if I did, it was a while ago, and my friend circle has changed ever so slightly. So I'm doing it again anyways.

So I know we all have friend circles and even within friend circles we can still divide people up into different categories, really, it just never ends. But I've noticed I have way too many friend circles, that in the end should really not be friend circles, but somehow they are and it just makes planning things so difficult and then I feel like a jerk because I'm hanging out with some people more than others. Anyways, back to the point at hand, I have way too many different groups of friends for me even to be able to think about, so I warn you that this post might be a little unflowy (not like they ever flow anyways).

So as we group we tend to lose some of the friends that we had when we were younger. We grow apart, move away, know different people, have disagreements and so on. But we always have the core group that we keep for a long time (hopefully forever). Now I don't know if I still have the core group form when I was really young because I have lost my best childhood friend because we started hanging out with different people and having different lifestyles, in fact i don't even see him anymore. I think it's been a solid 2-3 years since I've even seen him walk by. I also have a childhood friend that lives in Vancouver now and we barely talk to one another anymore because we haven't really been close since we were 5. From the friends I had from the age of 5, I still talk to two of them, and somehow I think it is due to the fact that my brothers are still really close to them (it doesn't help that I'm a girl :P). One of them does have a sister, but we've sort of grown apart as friends.

I feel like before I get into any more back stories of friends, I should introduce my close circle of friends. So as of the moment (because this could always change), my best friends would be W and ST. They are the ones I call/text first of anything and they are the ones I feel the closest too. Ironically, I feel like they are distant from me too because they both don't share things very openly and even though they both say I know them well, sometimes I feel like I barely know them. It's also funny that they are both VERY hard to get close to, and somehow I cracked them both! it's like I enjoy the challenge :P. Anyways, they are the ones I would go to if anything were to happen. I also have O, I'm not sure were to put her because we have times when we are pretty close and then times where we don't really talk (more because we don't go to the same school, so it's always hard to do things together). But I would probably not put her as a best friend, but more of a sister I guess, she's always there and no matter how long we spend without really talking we can still get along super well. And even though she's older than me, I can't help but feel like an older sis a lot of the time :P So those three are the ones I feel the closest to right now.

I also have my BB, who is also a really good friend, but I feel like we are growing pretty distant. I don't know if it's because we don't go to the same school anymore or something like that, but I also get the feeling that she is the one choosing to isolate herself. The thing it it isn't just with me, but with W and O as well. We were the 4 that were friends in high school and remained friends up until now. So it's strange to have one member kind of fall off without really knowing why.

From high school, I also have S, who isn't in Montreal right now, but is studying in Ottawa. We text once in a while, generally when we start texting one another we text for a few weeks and then we kind of fall off the grid again. Whenever she comes into town, I make sure to clear a day for her because she is nice to talk to and she is strongly opinionated in some ways and she isn't afraid to tell you what she thinks, which is often a  really good wake up call for me.

Then there are my current school friends, which yes also include ST and W. In this I also have LN, and ML. I'm a lot closer to LN than I am with ML. Consequently, the two of them are best friends. We all have classes together and we always have lunch together (this is ML, LN and I), so we talk quite frequently (mostly about boys and annoying people in our classes).

I also have AK that is a friend from school, but that I barely see around. I had met her in CEGEP and we've kept in touch since. I wouldn't consider us close, but I would consider her a good friend. We meet up for lunch or supper once in a while and we text each other too, but other than that we don't really see each other.

Then I have my work friends, I have CL and CT that I text often and talk to often. They are the ones I keep in contact with the most from work and the ones I see the most often. In the past few weeks though, the group has kind of been falling apart, with me talking to both of them, but from what I know, the two of them not really talking to each other very often.

From work I also have MD that I honestly wish I could see more of because when ever he is around I just feel so loose and unstressed. And he isn't afraid to tell me if there is something wrong with the way I am acting and he doesn't mind sitting down with me to talk about my problems for a few hours. He's honestly someone I think, that is just good for the soul. He's an amazing guy, and I feel bad that my first thought of him was that he was going to be an asshole (yes, I was stereotyping: Italian + good looking = douche). He turned out to be one of my most valued work friends though, like I feel like I could tell him anything and he won't judge me and he will try to understand my perspective. Although I talk to CL and CT more, I feel like he is the one that I am the closest to in terms of actually knowing the person.

I also have GW from work and she is just the person I look up to the most at work. To me, she is the perfect role model at work. She is always relaxed and hard working and always so cool under pressure. If you were to look at us she would be the cool and collected owl and I'm the chicken that just got it's head cut off. And even out of work she is just so sweet and we always have good laughs when we are together.

And SL and her boyfriend P, they are also from work. I know SL a lot better than I know P, and I talk to her a lot more too :P. They are nice to go out with once in a while because it's so casual and down to Earth. we could literally be doing nothing and still enjoy our time out together. When I'm out with them, I usually have my brother with me as well (so I don't feel like a third wheel :P).

Which leads me to my final group of friends... I think, which are my brothers friends. Both my brothers have mutual friends that they always go out and game with and these are the friends that I would assume are my brothers best friends. They are a group of 6 guys (brothers included) that I always feel comfortable with. Two of these friends are childhood friends I was talking about before and another one of them is too actually and the other one my brother (can't remember which one), met in high school. I like to go out with them sometimes, even though generally I end up being the only girl. But being with them is different than being with all my girlfriends because I grew up basically with only guy friends so sometimes I actually feel more at ease with them than I do with my girlfriends. It's also because with them I feel like I can insult them all I want and they still won't hate me, maybe except for one of them :P

Okay, so I know it's weird that I just presented all my friends in such an odd manner, but this is how I see my friends right now. They don't all fit into neat little groups and some of the groups to intersect. If this was a Venn Diagram it would just be a complete mess. I presented them this way because this is how I have to make plans with them. They are all somewhat connected, yet disconnected at the same time, like sometimes some of the groups can mix and other times it just gets weird. So plannings with limited time because of school or work is a pain in the butt sometimes, and half the time I feel like I'm paying way too much attention to one but not the others. And not everyone from all my friend groups like each other either, which only makes it so much more complicated. But I wouldn't want to lose any of these friend groups right now because, despite the pain in the ass of planning things with them, I still cherish the time I get to spend with them and they all contribute something different to my life, whether it's being there for me and listening to all my stupid problems, or letting me be myself, or guiding me through different parts of my life, or just people I can be irresponsible and childish with. They all bring something into my life that makes me still want to be their friend and keep in touch with them.

I know they all know me differently, because let's face it no matter how perfect we think we are, we're different in different situations. For example, I'm not the same at work, at home and at school. I'm not even the same with different types of people. But what matters is that no matter what side of me they see, they still accept and love me because at the end of the day, all those different sides of me are still me. and it's the people we find that love us for every part of us that we should always hold dear to us and hope to always have in our lives.

-J

Frustration

Hey guys!

So I know it's been a long time since my last post (well not that long, but it feel like it's been a long time). I had a week off work and what a week it was. I was out almost everyday and it was just an amazing week. Unfortunately the week is definitely over cause obviously I had work today and well, the magic and happiness and happy-me is gone and replaced with stressed-out-never-happy-me again. But let's not dwell on the negatives.

My week was amazing, I got to meet up with everyone I wanted to meet up with and it was just fun and so carefree and relaxing even though I was always out and barely slept.

The thing I want to talk about today is not the amazing week however, it's WL. I don't know what he thinks and it's just so darn frustrating. I mean I have people telling me that he seems interested and I feel like he's interested, but then he goes and acts like he doesn't give a crap half the time and it is just so damn confusing. I asked him out to coffee on Tuesday and it was a really nice way to spend the afternoon. We got coffee and walked around the downtown area and we were basically talking about nothing. But it was a really easy going time. We both had plans after coffee, he told be when we first met up that he basically only had an hour with me so we made the best of it and the next thing you know it was an hour and a half later and we were still walking and talking about nothing. He ended up walking me to the bus stop to go to ST's house and he kept walking and stupid me got on the bus instead of deciding to walk with him since I was way early getting to ST's house anyways. We texted a little that night and it was nice, but the thing about WL is that he doesn't initiate conversations, in real life he would or h would do something that would make me start the convo, but by text it's a little harder I guess. Even I don't know what to say to him when I want to text him.

We met up last night with a group of people from work for vegan food, and he has been complaining since I invited him that we were having vegan food and in the end he ended up coming anyways, although he kept complaining and although I kept telling him not to come. He came and we ate and he basically called it the most expensive appetizer he ever had and then he called his friends to see where they were to see if they wanted to go and eat. Our group decided to go out for tea and he ended up coming anyways.

During the night he never really sat next to me and we never really talked, but at a point ST pointed out to me hat he kept looking at me but he wouldn't say anything. I had kind of noticed too, but after that I realized that he also didn't hold eye contact with me when I caught him looking. In the end we kept shifting seats and we sat next to each other for a while and it was nice cause we would both reposition ourselves once in a while to see each other better or to be closer to the other. And even though I was right next to him, NOTHING!

At the end of the night he was still complaining that we had a "hippie" night, but he said he had fun and when L mentioned that we should have more get together he looked at me an nodded and then we hugged. (Side note: second time I've ever hugged him ^.^).

I kind of texted him today and his replies could have been flirty, awkward or just plain creepy, but it was cute cause, you know I'm a girl and he was still texting me :P But it is funny cause I took it as WL being WL, but all my friends took it as being creepy and dirty... Guess I'm the most naive one out of the group :D

But ya, it's just frustrating cause sometimes I feel like he's interested but I'm never too sure, it's just so annoying cause I feel like I'm second guessing all the time and I feel like if he is interested he doesn't care enough to do something about it. I talked to a guy at work today and mentioned that I liked  guy and basically explained how WL acts around me and he told me that WL is interested but isn't sure how I feel and he might be afraid to get rejected. He explained how he was in those shoes once but he always avoided it by making sure the girl liked him for sure before making his move. So if that's the case, I either have to make it painfully obvious or I have to be a sitting duck :P I'm just afraid if I'm always texting him that he'll just find me annoying, cause he gets annoyed pretty quickly :P

ST also pointed out that although he kept complaining about last nights outing, he stuck by the whole time and she said she's pretty sure it wasn't to spend time with L or anyone else in the group. And it's true cause although he was against vegan he agreed to come before he knew who else was coming. But I just wish he would do something! I mean come on, if you really aren't interested you sure give me the wrong signal...

Wish me luck until I figure all this stuff out,

-J

More Confused Than Ever

Why are guys so difficult to understand?! I know we are too, but come on! We should all just sit down one day and discuss why one gender is more confusing than the other. It might be interesting...

So yes, back to my problems :P So yesterday (Thursday) WL was texting me while I was at work. It was a rainy day so I was at work all alone at first with my boss showing up and disappearing all the time. He kept me entertained during the day by texting me about random things. It was actually really cute and I was laughing a lot of the time. Today at work we laughed about the texts from the previous day and he was so talkative at work today! He was like Little Miss Chatterbox. It's always so easy going with him. He also shared some of his food with me during his break and I just kept taking, revenge from when he always took my food,  revenge is sweet (and tasty). Maybe it's just be being me and over thinking, but lately I've also noticed that he likes to come stand next to me for no reason, it's not like we're really talking, but just while working, I would find myself standing next to him while we're both wiping down a counter or something. We've also been talking a lot ore and joking around a lot more than we have before. Unfortunately even though this might sound like progress, his last day of work is on Sunday :( So I'll probably never see him again (if I do, it would be rare).

So a good 20 of us went out after work today, and we were a huge group with a table that wasn't big enough. some of us were standing and others were sitting and I was sitting with my brother and R and WL was just standing behind me with his hand on my chair for a long time, all his usual friends were at the other end of the table but h stayed next to me the whole time. Then when a chair opened up he didn't want to sit (even though it was 2 seats away) and he stayed there. He finally got a chance to grab a chair and he put it right next to me and walked off to help a few other guys bring tables over to out group. My brother sat down on the chair that WL had put next to me , and WL gave him a dirty look. I'm sorry let me just sit here and freak out like a little girl for a minute... He looked upset that MY brother took the seat next to me! We also took a group photo and a guy was standing next to me and he ended up standing on the ledge behind me (rigth behind me) and this is probably too much info for a lot of you now, so if you don't want to know you can just skim this part, but every time I turned around my face was basically crotch level... I won't deny it was a little disturbing. After my brother took my seat he basically sat at the other end of the table. I ended up going on that end cause ST was there and after a little while he bolted to the other end of the table.

I went to dance with a bunch of people (he refused to join), and then we came back and a few of us decided to go and have shots. I honestly didn't expect him to join us and all of a sudden I turn around and he's walking behind me. We were talking at the bar and he was next to me the whole time and we were talking and we both paid for the shots together (for the little group that wanted shots) and once again he would lean over me to get his shot and then the salt. The L came and stop between us and offered me a drink and told me that I looked really good. And I saw WL back off a little and then L kept pushing the drink, WL kind of walked away. I refused the drink from L and headed back to the table with WL and a few other people and we sat near each other at the table. We talked for a little bit and then I ended up leaving a little after that cause my designated driver wanted to leave. I gave a hug to everyone at the table, except him :(. And then once again, cause he likes being a ninja, he randomly sit down on the chair that is right behind me. It took a while for everyone to say bye, we were after all 20 something people. So my brother and I continued to joke around with him an anther coworker and I put my hands on his shoulders and he held one of my hands for a little bit :)

Now, I completely understand that this might all be me over thinking, but I'm starting to think that he might be interested... I just wish my brother didn't have to be such a "good" brother and that L didn't hit on me, cause then I might have known for sure! ARGH! why does life have to be so complicated?!

Another sign that I might be over thinking everything is that he gets along really well with this other girl at work, and they live near one another so they take the bus home together and stuff and for all I know, they might be secretly dating or something :(

Why can't I just know for sure? I have to discuss this with people tomorrow, but until then, I'll just keep over thinking about everything

By the way, if this post doesn't make sense, it's cause yes, i did have a little something to drink. No, not enough to get tipsy. And yes, I have been up for 21 hours now. Anyways, I'm going to sleep now. Blog to you guys soon  :)

-J

2 Weeks of Summer!

Hey guys!

So yes I am fully aware that it is 2AM and yes, I do have to get up 7:30 to get to work tomorrow. But I can't sleep and I think it' a good excuse to blog? Right?

I did my supplemental today, to be honest I think I could ave done better. I blanked on the exam (not fun) and I'm sure I doubted myself and messed up a bunch of things... It's done though and like ST keeps saying I can't do anything about it anymore. I just have to wait for the mark, I'll wait like a sitting duck (quack!). Right after my exam I met up with ST and LN for supper, but not before bumping into BD and get this we shopped for a bit and it was actually pretty fun. After supper I hung out with ST and a few of our coworkers and it was actually really fun and relaxing. It was a nice way to calm down from all the stress from the exam.

Since I'm going to be free for about a week before all hell breaks loose and school starts, I'm going to do as much as I can next week, since I'm off from work too. I already have plans set out for the rest of this week (mostly work) and the week after.

Friday night a bunch of us (most of us) from work are going to go to a bar after work. It should be fun cause the last few times I went out to a bar we had a lot of fun (but it seems that it always ends up with stories about me). It should be fun. Half of us are going from work and the other (lucky) half are coming from home so there will be a huge difference in appearance and smells between the two groups. I'll keep you guy posted if anything happens that night that is blog worthy, or you know, I'll blog anyways just for the fun of it.

Next week, I have Botanical Gardens with ST and W, Brunch with W, O, and maybe BB and then probably lunch or supper with AK. I would like to get a few more things going there and get the most of what I can get from my 'summer'. When life gives you lemons...

I also earned today that this is WL's last week. How did I not know that!? I'll miss his adorableness and smile and our harmless flirting. I know a lot of you are thinking that I should just do something about it, but I don't know, I just don't want to. I get it, I'll never know until I do something and what if he has the same doubts as you and blah blah, but we don't go to the same school and I don't think I'll have time for school, work, a relationship, a social life and whatever else is going to be thrown my way. If you love something set it free and if it comes back it was meant to be. And I know guys don't have to do everything, girl can do it too. But like, that doesn't mean I have to do something, I'm perfectly fine with my guys being assertive and doing something for themselves. I am assertive enough at work, I don't have to be off the clock.

So yup, I've basically updated you guys enough for a 2AM post. And I should really be getting to bed cause I am going to be butt tired tomorrow morning. Hope you guys are up to be served by a zombie!

XOXO Gossi... opps wrong blog :P
-J

Breakdown

So yes, it finally happened. I finally had my breakdown. Honestly, I'm surprised it took me this long to breakdown. I've been so stressed all summer, what with my supplemental and with working so much and just with my coworkers being assholes a lot of the time. I haven't had a day off since I started the season and all the stress just finally piled up to be so high that it all just tumbled on me and I finally cracked. It wasn't pretty and it was not at a convenient time to have a manager break down either. I felt that something was off about an hour before I broke down. I wasn't feeling well and I was distracted by nothing the whole time. I wasn't being coherent to customers and then midrush I had my breakdown and I had to run to the backstore to try to calm myself down and that didn't help. I completely shut down, something I never wanted to happen at work. I always hopped by breakdown would happen one day after work when I was at home or something.

My boss asked me what was wrong and I think he felt like he was walking on eggshells the whole night after that cause I was pretty upset. I ended up taking an extended break to just sit and do nothing (and cry). L saw me and gave me a hug and consoled me for a while and he offered to take my shift the next day (which I took him up on in the end).

So I had yesterday off and I didn't realize how much I needed a real day off. I barely spoke to anyone from work and the only time I did was to joke around with them. I had my phone off for half of the day and I also just slept for most of the day. I know I was supposed to study for my exam, but I was just so tired and rundown. I think that's a very valid excuse! But don't worry, I ended up studying at night, but got distracted by work people. I'm still trying to fix the issues from last night.

To be honest, I think that work isn't going to help my blood pressure, at this point I don't think it's going to help with my health at all (although walking around all day is exercise). I really need to start balancing my stress a lot better cause I think all this stress will end up cutting my life short. Hopefully, I'll find a balance before my next breakdown or before things get any worse.

-J

Work Appreciation

I forgot to mention this on my previous post, but according to MD my boss really appreciates all the work that I put into work. He knows I'm working on my days off and he knows that I'm always trying to fix problems no matter how bug and he knows how much I care about everything. But sometimes (almost always) I just feel so under appreciated by my boss. It's not like he never says thank you or anything, but there is no praising and even though I told ST that that is just how my boss works, it just really sucks sometimes. I know my boss appreciates me, and that should be enough on it's own right? But it just sucks that he doesn't show it. He shows appreciation in subtle ways, like helping me out all the time and letting me get my way with certain aspect of work and giving me freedom and always doing me favors. I know likes me because when he knows something is wrong he inquires and depending on the problem, he will try to help me figure out a solution to it even if it is unwork related. At the end of the day I know my boss cares, but I just feel like he doesn't give a crap half the time.

But according to MD, my boss really cares and he was telling him how much he appreciates me and how he could do more for me and he was talking about compensating me at some point. But I truly doubt that's going to happen MD keeps telling me to have a chat with my boss and ask for a compensation or a raise. And deep down inside I feel like I should, but then again, I'm not working for my boss for money or for a compensation. I'm working for him because I want to work for him. As much as a complain about work and him, I love working for him. He's a really cool and nice guy when it comes down to it. I know a lot of people don't see him that way, but then again a lot of my co-workers just have a employer/employee relationship with him.To be honest, I think at this point I would be willing to work for him as long as he still wants me around (which will probable be forever... I'll be like RD that's been around for 7 years now (not always under the same boss though)).

Even though I don't think I'll get compensated, I'm curious as to what type of compensation it will be. MD thinks it will come in the form of a huge bonus or something, but I really don't know. I don't see my boss compensating anyone at work, let alone me.

I will admit that a compensation in any form would be amazing, cause even though I know my boss appreciates me, it is nice to have it reinforced once in a while.

-J

Work Confusion

Hey Guys!

So I know, it's been forever since I've posted anything, and I'm sorry for that. I've been pretty busy with work and studying for my supplemental and trying to have somewhat of a social life. The summer is going by so quickly and in less than a month I'll be back at school and wishing I hadn't missed out on my summer. This little vicious circle just never ends does it? :(

Work has been stressful, and it's really hard to explain cause it's not like I hate it, in fact I still love it, but I'm just too overly stressed at work for my own good. I honestly love working for my boss and I like some of the people at work, and the people I do like I love working with them. But lately whenever I'm at work I tend to be very unhappy and sometimes for the smallest reasons. and my mood would fluctuate a million times during the day. If I was an outsider looking into my situation, I think I would tell myself to quit my job and just not worry about it. But what an outsider wouldn't understand is how much I love this job and how even if I quit, I'll never stop thinking about it or worrying about what goes on at work. It's like my unhealthy addiction.

My boss asked it I would be back next year, and I actually had a moment where I paused and was  thinking about it. I've been thinking about it for a while. I would want to get another job, something related to my field or something that will help me determine if I'm in the right field or not. But it's hard cause I have zero lab experience and no connections at all in the analytical research world. I should have gone into marketing research :P That's where all my connections are. I have to start looking around a lot harder to try to find an in into this world that I'm not even sure I want to be in (world being research world, that was not a suicidal thought). But back to the topic at hand, I told by boss that I would be back (cause that's what my heart and my family says) but I didn't promise how much I would be working next year. MD suggested that I sit down with my boss and tell him how I feel about all of this, but the truth is, I don't even know how I feel about it all. I'm so conflicted about so many of the things at work right now.

A lot of people have also seen both sides of me, there is "manager me" and there is "normal me" and people who are close to me are able to see a huge difference. Manager me is always stressed and grouchy and normal me is easy going, nice to get along with. It's starting to scare me that it's not only one person that see's it. I know I'm different at work and casually and I know that a lot of people at work just see me as manager me. I do think that there are a few people who do get to see me as me at work because I do have my moments of being weird a random like I am most of the time outside of work. It would be nice to have get togethers after the season with the people I am fond of, that way they'll get to know me for me and not for over-stressed me.

Let's hope the rest of the season will only get better,

-J

Work Work and More Work

Hey guys!

So the work season is in full bloom and I am tired! I've been working on average about thirty hours a week when the LaRonde was only open part time, and the past two weeks we have been open almost full time. That just mean that my hours are going to go up in the next few weeks. Now as much as I love working (even though I complain about it a lot, ask anyone), the hours are getting long and I'm getting tired, and I still have to study for my biology supplemental exam. I'm not even half way through the material yet, and it's going very slowly because I'm either always tired or meeting up with friends that I already don't see all that often. Yes, I feel guilty going out so much (like about once a week :P) but I also need the social time with my friends because although I work with both ST and W, I don't get to see them much because although we all work for the same boss, I'm not part of the same company as them. So we only see each other if I walk by one of the stores or during breaks or at the end of the day. But I know, it's not an excuse to not be studying, I'll try to do better.

Besides my guilt over not studying, I have a lot of things to say about work. I'll be working a lot in the next five days! and by a lot I mean about fifty hours in the next five days. It's a lot, I know, and I'll be a cranky bitch by the time Monday and Tuesday roll around, but hey, I will have worked a shit load! It averages out to ten hours a day, but my shifts (depending on the day) is anywhere between 9-13 hours long. Fireworks start this Saturday, so I'll only be getting home at about 2AM and guess what? I have to be up by 7 and head to work for 10 the next day! YAY for no sleep... not really :p But I will try to power through! I apologize to everyone in advance for my grouchiness though.

There's also been a lot of work drama, like L and BD have been going around pissing CL and myself off, like she would point out that the only reason we are in our positions is because we are our bosses favorites. We have more responsibilities because we're his favorites, and he also drives us home for the same reason. If we were his favorites, why are we doing more work than they are? If the only reason he drives us home is because he likes us, then why is L (whom my boss hates) is also getting a ride home? Like GW and MD have told be more than once, I am in my position because I can work, not because I've tried to suck up to my boss, and not because I've snitched out about a million people. I worked my ass off to be where I am today, and I am still working just as hard as I was on day one, if not harder. Yes, I have a few more things to do at work compared to BD, but that's just cause I happen to be around my boss when he needs help. It's not like I go up to him and demand more work (I'm crazy, but not that crazy). I also work at home sometimes without getting paid, and I know that BD would not be willing to put the amount of unpaid hours into work like I do. I also seem to have become the front line for the noobs at work, they text me whenever they have a problem with the schedule. So all this extra work really doesn't seem like I'm getting favored at all. Now I'm not going to deny that I am one of my boss' favorites, nor am I going to deny that I know who his other favorites are, but my boss is fair. He's not going to promote someone just cause he likes them more than another person. My boss is also the type to favorite the better workers. So like MD said to me a while back, I'm in my position because I can work better than others and my boss knows that. I'm not going to say I'm the best, because I know I'm far from that, but I know I'm working hard and my boss can see how hard I'm working even though others don't.

Also, I didn't want to write a whole other post for this, but WL was being adorable at work a few days ago. It was raining pretty badly and I gave him an umbrella cause he already put his work hat away. And we were walking from store to store and he would follow me around holding the umbrella for me. Now it may not have been super cute, but I just found it very gentleman like of him. He escorted me from store to store, brought me to the washroom and waited for me outside, even when I would switch the side I'm walking next to him, he would shift the umbrella so I was always under it. I found it was really sweet of him, and yes, my crush on him may be starting up again...

Anyways, until next time, whenever that may be :P

-J

Pet Peeves at Work and Guys Being Weird

Hey guys!
 
So no I haven't done much in terms of bio, I've been more focused on work and hanging out with my friends and just sitting around doing nothing (basically nothing). It's been warm here the past few days (albeit some rain), but it's been nice. A little too hot for the perfect comfortable weather, but it beats snow :P I don't actually have much to talk about, but I figured hey it's been a while and I don't feel like studying.

Works been going pretty great, I've had three manager shifts so far, and they aren't as bad as I thought it would be. All the new people seem to be doing well and the ones that aren't well.... they are never around so ya :P I'm getting used to the longer work hours, and I'm getting a lot more comfortable telling people what to do. The one thing that gets me is giving breaks to people cause it always seems like I'm going to run out of time. The only thing I don't like is that I feel removed from the employees, I feel like I won't get to know them as well as I would have if I was still an operations manager. I also don't like how I have to end up doing things on my days off, that end up causing mass confusion cause my boss would tell m, but not the manager that's actually working that day -.- He should always be working with the manager of the day and not someone who isn't around. And I also forgot that I hate it when all the new people ask me what's going on even though I'm not working that day. To be woken up by your boss and employees to do things on your day off is not always the best way to wake up... And this morning, there was a mess in communication between my boss, myself and the other manager. It was interesting :P

Aside from work, I haven't done much, I've been hanging out with W, BB, O, ST, and AK so it's been fun cause I don't get a chance to see everyone during the semester.

A few of my friends are also in Israel this summer for volunteering, H and AA included. And AA has been messaging me on Facebook and he wants to make plans to meet up when he gets back from his trip. Our convo actually started when he found out I wished H a nice trip but not him and he seemed jealous, which makes no sense, cause I never talk to him anymore. I barely see him in school and we never text. When we see each other, it's a quick hug and a little convo, generally about how tired we are or how an exam went. So I'm a little confused on his front, but I guess I'll see what becomes of this situation :P

L has also been weird lately, like he would get on my case at work about the stupidest things and he likes to pick little fights with my brother (and then get me involved, which he shouldn't cause it causes problems at work). and I honestly thinks he needs to get knocked into place -.- But he's also spent Friday being super nice to me. He even said that I sounded "girly" on the phone (he couldn't recognize my voice -.-). I don't know if the girly comment was an insult or not, but it didn't seem like it in our convo. He also spent the day bugging me like a fifth grader would when they have a crush on someone (please don't let that be the case) and he was also really touchy, always punching me and poking me and he even pet me... (like a fifth grader).

Why do guys have to be so flipping confusing?! Why can't it just me obvious if they like someone?

-J

Change for the Better (I Hope)

Hey guys!

So I've been looking back at the past 3-4 years, and I've come to realize how much I've grown. I know I have a lot more growing to do, considering that I'm just 20, but I've changed a lot more than I thought I did in the past few years. Not only did my face look like I lost some baby fat, I also look like I've slimmed down a little. Now I know there is a lot more fat to burn, I know I don't look as bloated as I used to be. I was looking at my old employee passes and I noticed that I seemed to have lost weight every year, always a good sign, although cameras are known to play tricks (but the camera usually adds 10 lbs, so maybe I am loosing weight? :P) All kidding aside, I also feel a lot better about my body image now than I did back then. I can still work on that, admittedly A LOT, but it's better than it used to. My clothes are no longer just tshirts and jeans, although they are still my comfy outfit choice. I've also learned what type of clothes look better on by body type compared to others. So in the past few years my physical image has changed a lot.

I've also grown a lot on the inside as well. I've gained a lot more confidence than I give myself. I mean you tell me right out of High School that I would be a manager right now, I would have laughed in your face and told you that that would probably never happen. Then again, if you told me at the age of 15 that I was going to go into sciences, I would have thought you to be insane, but look at me now. So I guess things do change, and sometimes in a good an unexpected way. I'm a lot more confident now that I was in high school, I'm not as afraid of voicing my opinions (well depending on who I'm talking to). I also don't feel as uncomfortable leading a group of people as I did before. As someone once put it, "[I've] become a boss," and somehow I never noticed. But I'm glad I have this confidence now because I no longer look like the confused "new guy in town" all the time. I don't doubt all my decisions all the time (although it still happens a lot) and I start doing things that I know how to do without having to double check all the time first like I used to.

The one negative thing about my changes in the past few years is that I'm a lot less patient now. I used to be able to tolerate people's BS a lot better than I can now. I snap pretty easily and I also get emotional pretty easily. Maybe it's accumulated stress or it's just my learning how to not be a push over. I guess in someway it's good that I'm not going to let people push me around anymore, but I also have trouble communicating my feelings when I snap, so the situation actually never really gets any better... But I'm trying to work on it. According to ST, I'm a patient person... At least I think that's what she thinks? (please correct me if I'm wrong).

What I'm the most happy about is that my close group of friends (the real close group of friends) is always there to support me. They all support me if different ways, but I know that they are always there for me. If something is wrong they are willing to meet up with me or call me, or even text till ridiculous hours of the night. If they know something is wrong and I call, they'll call me back as soon as they can and they won't hang up until I feel better. And I know that I would do the same for them, because we are all close. The only thing that makes me sad is that my close group of friends is divided into a few groups. I have my close friends from high school: W, O, BB. Then I have my close friends from CEGEP: ST, and LN. And from work I have CL and, a new mention, CT from work. They are my current little support group. And sadly even in this little group I have the ones that I trust more than others :P I wonder if that's normal or I'm just being weird :P

But honestly, I'm happy that I got to think about how much I've changed in the past few years, it gives me a little more confidence in myself now, even just thinking back of the last few years and seeing that I made great new friends and seeing that I was able to lead a group of people and no one got hurt in the process (yet :P). Even looking back at comments I've received, I see now (since I'm no longer in the situation) that a lot of them weren't just people being polite. The compliments came from the heart.

-J

Summer is Upon Me!

Hey guys!

So I am done with this semester!! First year of university: CHECK! That is right, first year of Uni done, 2 (hopefully) more to go! So what am I going to be doing this summer? Well I already wrote down my plans here (check it out if you want, or not). But long story short, get in shape, work and read, read  READ!!

I already have a bunch of books lined up (most of which I have bought in the past few years and never got around to) and I'm hoping to get even more books in, although I want to make myself only get books when I'm going to read them. I've noticed that I have a lot of hardcover books that are available in paperback by the time I get around to reading them. That is, only get them when I'm going to read them unless there is a sale, how can I say no to a book sale? I guess like last summer I'm going to keep you guys updated on the books I read, I don't know if I'm going to do a book list again like I did last year, although I might do a compilation at the end of the summer when I've tallied up all the books I've read.

My other plan is to get in shape! It'll be hard with work and all (I know from previous experience) but I want to go on jogs/walks in the morning, or go biking instead (whichever strikes my mood in the morning). Not every morning, but a good 2 times a week. I know it should be 2, but with working 35 hours in a week within 3 days, one can get tired :P But I will try, I promise (well actually don't hold me to that :P). I also have to go to the Zumba classes that ST got me for Christmas... yes shame on me, I never got around to going to them :P

And yes, my summer has just begun (today) and I'm already thinking about work and all that jazz, I am a eager one, I'll give you that :P I like to keep busy with an unhealthy dose of stress, not good for me I know, but it keeps me on my toes and focused. So back to work, I thought that I would have a good month off before I have to worry about that again... but I guess not... I have to go into work next week. Talk about a short summer. I'm hoping it's nothing big, probably just a meeting, organizing employees and setting out the plan for the year, but it's still work... and on top of it all, I have to go in in the morning :(

Speaking of work (I know I'm talking about work A LOT), I am worried about becoming a manager... Like what if something goes terribly wrong? What if I'm not cut out to be a manager? I was an operations manager last year, but it's on a whole new level, I mean last year I had one store to take care of, this year I'll have 4 (we own separate stores in different locations), on top of it all, if something went wrong, I had my manager to fall back on. It's a lot of work, and I'm scared that I'm not up for the task, although a lot of people think I am, I don't feel ready. I'll be the one calling the shots (if my boss isn't in) and I'll also be the one ultimately responsible if anything goes wrong, and I don't have a thick skin. The last time my boss left em in charge with the 4 stores, I went banana's. I legit broke down in the backroom, it was a hell a lot of stress, although my boss got an earful afterwards (and yet I am still working for him...). I'm hoping things go smoother now than it did last time, cause that did not leave a good impression on me. Also, I realize, I'm going to be an active part of firing and keeping employees... And I have a lot of friends coming in to work for us this year, am I ready to boss them around? Yell/lecture them if need be? Or worst case scenario, fire them? I'm a type of person that can't say no, so should I be worried? Maybe not, I mean I did recommend them so they are only the best of candidates... hopefully. So yes, it's a lot for me to think about right now preparing myself to get authoritative... my worst skill (yay). And like last year, I am walking in thinking "everyone will hate me." Yes that is what I walked into work thinking last year, and although I got a long with most people, I'm petty sure a few people couldn't stand me... But hopefully I'll leave a good impression on the newcomers like I did with the ones last year :)

Wish me luck!

-J

p.s. Good luck with your finals, essays and everything else! And if you're already done with it all, then have an amazing summer!

What I Look for in a Guy

Well, obviously most things girls look for in a man doesn't come in one package (this is not me telling you that you should support polygamy! NO!). What I'm saying is that romanticism is making girls want everything in a guy, the looks, the brains, the muscle, the talent, and everything else you can think of that a guy would need. It's becoming hard to see the guys we see in our everyday lives as someone datable, unless of course we have a crush on someone or if you're already in a happy relationship. Although you have to admit, because of movies, our standards in guys have gone way up... or is it thanks to movies we realize that we have high standards?

I guess I have high standards for guys? I means after all the books I've read, average Joe's sound so... well average, although sometimes boring is a whole kind of fun on it's own. So here is what I do/potentially look for in guys:

1. Eyes! Nice eyes, mostly light eyes. I guess cause my eyes are so blah, I like to see color is people's eyes (I especially have a thing for blue eyes). But I've also like brown eyes, I guess I would say warm eyes, like when you look into the person's eyes you don't feel like they are trying to burn your soul, but that they care and they are approachable (I hope that's how my eyes seem to people). So generally blue eyes come with light hair, and I'm more for dark hair actually (although I keep falling for blonds... so is my heart and mind contradicting each other? Maybe). The one condition with hair is that the guy should know how to style his hair.
   
2. Height, I look for guys who are taller than me, cause I like the whole resting my head on your shoulder thing, it's really cute to see, and yes it is super comfy too :D Although it's kinda of hard to put your head on a giant... Ideally I would want someone to be about a head (yes it is now a unit of measurement) taller than me. And yes, by this it means that they can put their head on my head (so adorable)
    
3.  Someone who knows how to cook. I like to cook and bake and I think it would be cute to have little stay at home and cook dates, and it would be cool to learn how to cook new things from different cultures, or even from my own (since I don't know how to make that many traditional Chinese dishes).
   
4. I also look for smart guys, cause I would like to have a conversation with the guy. Even if we don't always share the same opinions, it's nice to have someone you could discuss things with, and of course help you study when you need help (like friends!). But even if he is smart, I don't want to feel like an idiot around him. So this is a good time to say that I also look for guys who are
   
5. Humble. I find it really cute when guys are humble, and not fake humble to get attention, but someone who genuinely thinks that he isn't better than everyone else on Earth, cause a cocky guy is never attractive. Although sometimes a little cockiness is cute :) Although shy guys are also really cute at times... Haha, this sounds like I look for guys that have multiple personalities :P. A guy with personality would be a way to put it I guess
   
6. I also look for someone who understands responsibility, so play is play but work is work. I know a lot of people who spend a lot of time in their relationships, but they forget about school and work. I want someone who knows how to balance relationship, works, school and a social life. and maybe help be organize my life a little too :P
   
7. I also look for guys that are patient, cause I'm not :P I'm pretty short tempered, so I would be super nice to have someone who is able to keep me grounded
   
8. I would also want a cuddler :) I like to hug, it relaxes me and it gives me that little tingle of joy on the inside. Although any guy I date would have to be adverse to major PDA, cause it's not comfortable to me, or for anyone around us.
   
9. A friend, I want to feel comfortable around the guy I would date. I want to feel like I could tell him anything and he could do the same in return. I don't have to list trust on the list cause we're supposed to trust our friends (if you don't, you should probably be looking for new friends). I don't want the relationship to be just about being in a relationship, I want it to have content and fun and just times where you're with the person and time seems to fly and before you realize it the day is gone.

So it sounds like I'm writing a profile on a date site... that is now what I was going for :P  This idea actually came about when I was doing a social interactions study and this was one of the questions I had to answer, and since I was on the spot, my answer was pretty lame, so I kept thinking about it, and this is the list I cam up with... Is it a little too much to ask for? Maybe. Is it possible to find a guy with all these traits? Maybe, a little more on the probably not side, but hey, it's possible :P Or a girl can always wish

-J

Who Should Make the First Move?

Hey guys!

So I've noticed this popping up a lot lately, but a lot of my friends think that guys should make the first move. And I've also noticed that we put a lot of importance into gender roles, but all we ever really study when it comes to that is how females were treated unfairly. And yes, I know we have been and we continue to be treated unfairly, but that doesn't mean that men have to be the bad guys or that they have to be a certain way. I mean isn't the point of gender equality to be that both sexes are treated the same way and that there shouldn't be role the guy or girl has to do? And I'll admit, I think some things are more male orientated, and I wouldn't a gentleman, but just cause the guy is a guy doesn't mean he has to be a certain way.

So we all live in a world where ideally the guy will ask the girl out, but we are in a world where females are strong and independent. Do we really need the guy to make the first move? Yes, rejection can hurt and it's hard cause we need a lot of confidence to do it, but come on, guys go through the same things we do. Just because they are guys doesn't mean that they have all the confidence in the world. They are as afraid of rejection as we are, when it comes down to it, we are all human, which means that we are subject to the same emotions and a lot of the same personal and mental problems we face from day to day. A guy can be shy or confident just like any girl can be and vice versa. The guy also gos through questions like "what if she's no into me?" "what if I look like an idiot?" and a lot of other questions that we ask ourselves too. And you might think that guys don't care as much as we do when it comes to crushing on girls, but they do, and they also talk to their friends about it like we do. Just because they are guys doesn't make them any different, other than the fact that they think they have to at cool about it.

At the end of the day we all have our set of insecurities and being of one gender or another really doesn't mean you have to be a certain way. We should be looked at in equal ways in a lot of regards and that is no different with things when it comes to liking someone. Everything we girls go through, guys go through it too, we express it in different ways, but it doesn't mean it's not happening.

Sorry guys, I just had to get that off my chest because it's been bugging me a little that people think that being a guy means that they have to "grow a pair" and do certain things, cause at the end of the day we can also grow a pair and get something done if we really wanted to.

-J

20th Birthday!

Hey guys!

So it was my birthday last Saturday and I celebrated it with my friends on Friday and I decided to celebrate with my family on Saturday. so obviously with this plan, I didn't get any school work done at all this weekend.

I went to 3amigos with my girlfriends on Friday, on the guest list was ST, W, BB, Y, S, GW, CL and a few other people that I've never mentioned on the blog, we were 10 in total. And as per 3amigos style, they give you a sombrero when it's your birthday, along with a slice of cake, YUM! I had a blast at supper and I got really cool presents! Thank you to everyone that came :D Along the presents were: cupcakes, perfume, a book, nail polish, a tea cup, and others. And GW paid for my supper :) which was super sweet of her.

After supper we headed to a pub where, thank to my sombrero, I got a huge happy birthday from a table of guys and one of the guys wished me happy birthday and shook my hand. We were at the table next to his and the whole time we were there, he would look at me (and not like in stealth, like outright let me look at the table). Every time we were looking at pics he would look at the pic, every time we said something he would turn over and look. I refused to make eye contact, which made it all the more fun to see him keep trying (I never said I was nice :P). And when we were leaving, his whole table was looking over at us, and he was looking at me. I ended up putting my sombrero on his head said "Voila!" and his face lit up, it was so cute, like his eyes got all wide and his smile grew into a giant smile. Now in case you are wondering, he was pretty cute. His table started cheering and he got up and gave me a giant hug, with a squeeze :D, and kissed me on the cheek. All his friends wanted him to kiss me, but I said no, and like a gentleman he didn't protest. And no, I didn't get his name or number, which I wish I did :(

Then we headed to a bar, Saint-Sulpice for those of you who know where that is, and we chilled and danced there for a while before making out way home. My "home" for the nigh was Y's house, since I can't stay out till late, that was a solution. Not much happened at the sleep over since it was late and her whole entire house was asleep :P

I came home the next morning for about an hour, then headed out to go see AK, cause she couldn't make it the night before. We had lunch at this super cute Korean restaurant and then we went out for coffee. It was nice to spend the afternoon with her cause I haven't seen her for a long time. And we just talked about school and our lives and what we plan for the future (where we would live, what we could do for honeymoons) and other random things. It was a very relaxing afternoon.

Then I came home and went out for supper with my family, and when we were leaving the restaurant, I learned that my brother invited one of his friends over. This friend turned out to have invited one of my neighbors over, and that neighbor invited two other neighbors. And they all knew it was my birthday, so they came over with birthday wished and a few had presents. We all chilled and since the first neighbor got me a pterodactyl Lego set, I decided to sit down and build it :P And it took me an hour, but it was fun :P every time I messed up one of my brothers friends would take the pieces apart for me so I could fix my mistake. I chilled with them the whole night, talking, watching Youtube videos, playing Slenderman, which is a horror game, and then just chatting with him. It wasn't awkward cause they are all my friends too.

So basically I spent Friday with all my girlfriends and Saturday night with a few of my guy friends. It was
 a nice way to spend my birthday, although I didn't get much sleep this weekend :P And now I have to cattch up in school work :(

Also the best birthday wish I got was from MD: "J!!!!! I wanted to wish u a happy birthday. Honestly I believe that your such a good person! Your real and most people lack that characteristic. You are gold.  Stay gold J!!! We need more people like you in this world. Happy Birthday :) [...] U deserve the world!!!" I copied it down word for word, so please forgive me for the spelling mistakes :P This made my night though, it was so sweet.

-J

I Knew You Were Trouble

Hey guys, so it's two days past new years and I'm already breaking the be more confident. But I said I would try, it doesn't mean I'll be good at it. But this post isn't about my new years resolutions, cause come on it's been 2 days, I have a year to do the stuff on my list. I'm actually confused, and wish I had a little sister to talk things out with about, but I don't and I know my friends are busy with others things, so I turn to you guys, and in this case maybe you guys is no one, but it's nice to just write things down. Obviously I do own a journal, but I made this blog a little over a year ago to share with you guys my experiences, so I figure why not, since this is what the blog is made for, although I have some readers that I would have never thought would read my blog. A lot of you might have noticed that sometimes my posts are random, or they switch gears really randomly, like one minute I'm headed one direction and the next I'm going the other way, but that's cause all my posts are written in one shot. Or as one shot as I try to make it cause sometimes I do get distracted with family or other things. But they are not planned out and they are not spell checked and proofread (although if I notice a mistake, I try to fix it). I don't reread through my posts after they have been posted, this is seriously like a journal type blog, so please bear with me and my random thoughts.

So what I'm confused about tonight is a guy, and ST and W and even O, you don't have to keep reading cause you already know what the issue is. But I just want to get all my feelings down and then see for myself how I really feel and how I should go about my confusion, hopefully it doesn't just confuse me more than it already has, cause it seems like every time I try to figure this out, it just gets worse.

So I've talked about L before and there have been a lot of negative things about him, but he's not always a complete ass. I can't remember what the first ting I said about him is, but I remember telling you guys that I was showing interest in him, whether that was this year or last year (I really can't remember when he first showed up on my blog). But in real life, it been more than a year. You know that guy that you kind of like, but you don't at the same time, like the one that you love and hate at the same time. Ya that's what I feel with him, and the thing is, maybe I just realized this as I'm writing it, but he has the potential to be a really good best guy friend. I mean he isn't like a lot of the guys I know cause most of them are studious and in a sense "good." He's smart in his own ways, and he's got a pretty good sense in style, like I would want to walk around shopping with him cause he would totally try on the clothes I get him. He's bad in a sense, not totally bad ass being a thug bad, but he's not the best influence I can be around. But he has his quirks, he's fun to argue with and to be silly around, and on some level I feel very comfortable around him.

So what confuses me? Well I don't know if I like like him and see him as a potential boyfriend, or I just like being around him and want him as just a friend. The thing is I kind f see myself going out with him, but at the same time I don't, and ST is right, I'm scared of being in a relationship, like I like the idea, but when it clicks that it might be real, I freak and friendzone a lot of people. And the thing is, how can someone who likes the idea of relationships so much be scared of them? Well cause I always see the bad sides of them, I've helped my friends with a fair share of heartbreak (and well I've nursed a few of my own) and it's scary, all the hurt that falls out from so much love. I don't know if I'm ready to deal with all of that. And obviously I know that I will never know unless I put myself out there ad try, but I'm scared. Scared that I'm not good enough, or that the relationship will end really badly, and the thing is I get attached very easily, so it's going to be hard for me when I go through my first break up with someone. The rejection I've faced once, and that was a shock, although I was expecting it. So I think I'm just scared of not being rejected by the ones I love, or being abandoned by them when they see that I'm not as nice as they think I am.

So back to L, I don't know if I like him like him, and a lot of times when it's just us two, I always think, maybe I should just kiss him and get this over with. Cause maybe kissing him would tell me if I really like him or not, cause I remember my first kiss and I didn't feel anything from that other than the loud booming music in the background. So maybe when we kiss someone we actually like we do feel fireworks or whatever. And I always think that, which annoys me, cause a) I don't normally think things like "hey let's just kiss" and b) I'm not that bold! But something about him just, I don't know, makes me want to really find out if I like him or not, and I'll admit, I have a hard time figuring out if I like a guy or not, but with him, it's like the harder I try, the more blurred the lines become. There are sides to him which I like and others that I'm a little wishy washy about, but all in all, he's a good kid.

I like that when I'm with him, we can sit in silence, I used to sit with him on the bus for 20 minutes in complete silence and it wouldn't be awkward, well at first when I didn't know him that well then obviously it was awkward, but we got to a point where we just sat next to each other or facing one another and it would be fine to just listen to our music and not talk, with a lot of other people, I feel the need to fill the silence even though it's not awkward to begin with. With him, it's just nice to sit there and enjoy the company. Also I like that he's open, like he would complain about work to me and tell me about the girls that have rejected him (which always turns out to be pretty entertaining), and he would tell me how he doesn't like his parents much, or his brother for that matter, and he would also tell me his plans for school and his future living conditions, now don't get all "He's totally into you!" yet, cause I know he tells other people about this stuff too. I'm not the only special one that gets into the mind of L. Although I know he likes to vent about stuff with me, I don't know if he also does this with BD, which kind of annoys me, cause you guys know how much I love her -.- And if you didn't I just made it completely evident. They are pretty good friends, so maybe they both talk shit about me behind my back, but that is besides the point. I don't know who else he would tell his stories to besides me, so I don't feel special in regards to that point.

The thing about him is that he has a lot of characteristics of what I don't look for in a guy, I mean he smokes pot, he dropped out of school (although he's going back to school this semester), he parties all the time, gets wasted a lot. But he also has a plan for where he wants to be headed, and even though a lot of the times things get in the way of his plans, he plans around them. Like he just lost his job twice in the past 4 months be he isn't going to let that stop him from planning to move out and to go on vacations to really cool places around the world. Although I know he's bummed and piss about it, he's not the time to sit around and complain about it and mope around. He'll get up and try looking for other jobs and still go out with friends. He's also one of the guy that will brush up on things he doesn't know and is pretty strongly opinionated. When I'm with him, it's like being with a good friend, I can just be myself, no need to impress or to show off and I'm pretty relaxed around him, I would push him around and joke around with him. Although I've noticed that I have a hard time looking him in the eye (just like everyone else I'm close to). It's a habit, I think I'm scared of seeing that they judge me as I talk or do something, or it's a low self esteem thing.

Is it normal that I have been thinking about all this stuff with L for over a year? In my head it isn't, I mean I barely know the kid! And according to a lot of people, I make him sound like as asshole, and I think I may have a point making him sound that way, I mean he's told me that he is only interested in girls that register as a 5 or higher on his list and that I am not in that category. Today when we met up for bubble tea, I noticed that his eyes traveled south from my face a few times, and for long enough for me to notice too.

But at the same time, I like how he was being honest with me in telling me that BD hates me, not that I didn't know before hand, I mean she makes it really obvious. Right now a bunch of us are in the running to be manager at work. BD is already the manager, but if she leave I'm next in line and L also believes that he is in the running, but my boss has stated many times that he is not. And apparently BD made a statement making it sound like I want to steal her job even thought she is still working for my boss, and from that L told me that she was being very hateful about it. It was funny hearing it from him since I know that they are pretty good friends. I am glad that since BD is staying manager, I won't have to take the position and feel bad about being manager even though L wanted the position too. I mean, I wouldn't mind taking it from BD but i consider L a friend, so I would feel bad about it.

So I guess this post didn't really help with anything other than make me realize that I want to keep him around cause after all he is a  friend. So that's a start right? And I think I would rather keep him as a friend than be something more with him, at least that's what I get after writing the post.

Sorry it got so long though, I wasn't expecting it to be this long, and I deviated a lot from the actual goal of the post, but I can't control my thoughts, I'm only human :P

I guess I'll end this post with a quote from Taylor Swift: "I knew you were trouble when you walked in." I could not have explain it better myself, and right now this is one of my favorite songs and people say that your favorite songs are your favorite because they speak to you in a sense.

-J