HAPPY NEW YEAR!

So it's a new Year meaning that it's that time of year when we all make resolutions that we almost never ever keep and then we feel bad about them at the end of the year, but I thought of not making any new years resolutions this year, I want to make a commitment to myself and not just because it is a new year. There will be no deadline and there will be no end product. But it is basically a new years resolutions, but in a different form, cause most of us know what we don't end up keeping out resolutions for long.

This year, I want to get into shape (like every other year), but I really want to do it this year. And that is why I'm not really setting a goal, I want myself to be motivated to make a change in my life and not force myself to. I also want to be more confident in myself, this one can't really have a deadline I guess, but I've been more and more confident in the past years and I would like that to continue in the years to come.

I also want to find more time for myself, I want to write more and draw/paint more this year. I've realized that I get my ideas together a lot more when I'm writing compared to when I'm talking to someone. I also tend to be more honest when I'm writing. I want to start drawing/painting again because I kind of get lost in my own world when I do (same for when I write). I just focus on what I'm doing at that time and it gets me away from what I'm stressed about.

Besides New Years stuff, I figure since I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, I would do a 10 things about J (so that would be 50 in total I guess, the first 40 can be found here and here).

1. I get jealous really easily
2. I wish I was more artistic
3. My close circle of friends doesn't change much, but my friends always come and go
4. I always think of the what ifs
5. I'm my own biggest obstacle
6. I have issues with closure cause I'm afraid of losing someone for good. I like to believe that everyone deserves a second chance
7. I have two brothers
8. I get paranoid really easily
9. I love playing around with makeup, but I feel uncomfortable wearing it
10. I'm a lot more selfish than people think

I guess they area ll pretty depressing things, but I guess at least I know what my flaws are and I could somewhat work on them :P

Hope 2014 will be kind to all of us and we will have a year that is more amazing than the last ;)
-J

Friends

Hey guys!

Yes, a procrastination post, what a surprise! So as the title suggest this is a post about friends. Now I know I've posted something similar to what I want this post to be about (but I'm too lazy to go an check if I have), if I did, it was a while ago, and my friend circle has changed ever so slightly. So I'm doing it again anyways.

So I know we all have friend circles and even within friend circles we can still divide people up into different categories, really, it just never ends. But I've noticed I have way too many friend circles, that in the end should really not be friend circles, but somehow they are and it just makes planning things so difficult and then I feel like a jerk because I'm hanging out with some people more than others. Anyways, back to the point at hand, I have way too many different groups of friends for me even to be able to think about, so I warn you that this post might be a little unflowy (not like they ever flow anyways).

So as we group we tend to lose some of the friends that we had when we were younger. We grow apart, move away, know different people, have disagreements and so on. But we always have the core group that we keep for a long time (hopefully forever). Now I don't know if I still have the core group form when I was really young because I have lost my best childhood friend because we started hanging out with different people and having different lifestyles, in fact i don't even see him anymore. I think it's been a solid 2-3 years since I've even seen him walk by. I also have a childhood friend that lives in Vancouver now and we barely talk to one another anymore because we haven't really been close since we were 5. From the friends I had from the age of 5, I still talk to two of them, and somehow I think it is due to the fact that my brothers are still really close to them (it doesn't help that I'm a girl :P). One of them does have a sister, but we've sort of grown apart as friends.

I feel like before I get into any more back stories of friends, I should introduce my close circle of friends. So as of the moment (because this could always change), my best friends would be W and ST. They are the ones I call/text first of anything and they are the ones I feel the closest too. Ironically, I feel like they are distant from me too because they both don't share things very openly and even though they both say I know them well, sometimes I feel like I barely know them. It's also funny that they are both VERY hard to get close to, and somehow I cracked them both! it's like I enjoy the challenge :P. Anyways, they are the ones I would go to if anything were to happen. I also have O, I'm not sure were to put her because we have times when we are pretty close and then times where we don't really talk (more because we don't go to the same school, so it's always hard to do things together). But I would probably not put her as a best friend, but more of a sister I guess, she's always there and no matter how long we spend without really talking we can still get along super well. And even though she's older than me, I can't help but feel like an older sis a lot of the time :P So those three are the ones I feel the closest to right now.

I also have my BB, who is also a really good friend, but I feel like we are growing pretty distant. I don't know if it's because we don't go to the same school anymore or something like that, but I also get the feeling that she is the one choosing to isolate herself. The thing it it isn't just with me, but with W and O as well. We were the 4 that were friends in high school and remained friends up until now. So it's strange to have one member kind of fall off without really knowing why.

From high school, I also have S, who isn't in Montreal right now, but is studying in Ottawa. We text once in a while, generally when we start texting one another we text for a few weeks and then we kind of fall off the grid again. Whenever she comes into town, I make sure to clear a day for her because she is nice to talk to and she is strongly opinionated in some ways and she isn't afraid to tell you what she thinks, which is often a  really good wake up call for me.

Then there are my current school friends, which yes also include ST and W. In this I also have LN, and ML. I'm a lot closer to LN than I am with ML. Consequently, the two of them are best friends. We all have classes together and we always have lunch together (this is ML, LN and I), so we talk quite frequently (mostly about boys and annoying people in our classes).

I also have AK that is a friend from school, but that I barely see around. I had met her in CEGEP and we've kept in touch since. I wouldn't consider us close, but I would consider her a good friend. We meet up for lunch or supper once in a while and we text each other too, but other than that we don't really see each other.

Then I have my work friends, I have CL and CT that I text often and talk to often. They are the ones I keep in contact with the most from work and the ones I see the most often. In the past few weeks though, the group has kind of been falling apart, with me talking to both of them, but from what I know, the two of them not really talking to each other very often.

From work I also have MD that I honestly wish I could see more of because when ever he is around I just feel so loose and unstressed. And he isn't afraid to tell me if there is something wrong with the way I am acting and he doesn't mind sitting down with me to talk about my problems for a few hours. He's honestly someone I think, that is just good for the soul. He's an amazing guy, and I feel bad that my first thought of him was that he was going to be an asshole (yes, I was stereotyping: Italian + good looking = douche). He turned out to be one of my most valued work friends though, like I feel like I could tell him anything and he won't judge me and he will try to understand my perspective. Although I talk to CL and CT more, I feel like he is the one that I am the closest to in terms of actually knowing the person.

I also have GW from work and she is just the person I look up to the most at work. To me, she is the perfect role model at work. She is always relaxed and hard working and always so cool under pressure. If you were to look at us she would be the cool and collected owl and I'm the chicken that just got it's head cut off. And even out of work she is just so sweet and we always have good laughs when we are together.

And SL and her boyfriend P, they are also from work. I know SL a lot better than I know P, and I talk to her a lot more too :P. They are nice to go out with once in a while because it's so casual and down to Earth. we could literally be doing nothing and still enjoy our time out together. When I'm out with them, I usually have my brother with me as well (so I don't feel like a third wheel :P).

Which leads me to my final group of friends... I think, which are my brothers friends. Both my brothers have mutual friends that they always go out and game with and these are the friends that I would assume are my brothers best friends. They are a group of 6 guys (brothers included) that I always feel comfortable with. Two of these friends are childhood friends I was talking about before and another one of them is too actually and the other one my brother (can't remember which one), met in high school. I like to go out with them sometimes, even though generally I end up being the only girl. But being with them is different than being with all my girlfriends because I grew up basically with only guy friends so sometimes I actually feel more at ease with them than I do with my girlfriends. It's also because with them I feel like I can insult them all I want and they still won't hate me, maybe except for one of them :P

Okay, so I know it's weird that I just presented all my friends in such an odd manner, but this is how I see my friends right now. They don't all fit into neat little groups and some of the groups to intersect. If this was a Venn Diagram it would just be a complete mess. I presented them this way because this is how I have to make plans with them. They are all somewhat connected, yet disconnected at the same time, like sometimes some of the groups can mix and other times it just gets weird. So plannings with limited time because of school or work is a pain in the butt sometimes, and half the time I feel like I'm paying way too much attention to one but not the others. And not everyone from all my friend groups like each other either, which only makes it so much more complicated. But I wouldn't want to lose any of these friend groups right now because, despite the pain in the ass of planning things with them, I still cherish the time I get to spend with them and they all contribute something different to my life, whether it's being there for me and listening to all my stupid problems, or letting me be myself, or guiding me through different parts of my life, or just people I can be irresponsible and childish with. They all bring something into my life that makes me still want to be their friend and keep in touch with them.

I know they all know me differently, because let's face it no matter how perfect we think we are, we're different in different situations. For example, I'm not the same at work, at home and at school. I'm not even the same with different types of people. But what matters is that no matter what side of me they see, they still accept and love me because at the end of the day, all those different sides of me are still me. and it's the people we find that love us for every part of us that we should always hold dear to us and hope to always have in our lives.

-J

Summer Plans (Update)

Hey guys!

So I realized that it is no longer summer and I should probably tell you how my summer plans came along. As many of you guys may know, I had to write a supplemental exam this summer, so it did put a huge bummer on all my plans. But let me tell you what I was able to accomplish from my list (if any at all). You can check out the list (not really a list) of things I wanted to do this summer here (x).

So yes, work was extremely hectic and to be honest it was way more than I signed up for. I basically never hd a day off. My days off were spent calling and texting people from work or solving problems for people. I worked insane hours (over 13 hours a day), more on fireworks. It averaged out to about 50 hours a week during the peak season. With studying and work, I barely had time for anything else, but here goes nothing at seeing what I did and didn't do this summer.

My plans for reading basically failed. I think I got through about 6 books? 6 and a half? or something like that. Basically i basically read anything this summer. So my list of to read books is basically at the same place as it was at the beginning of the summer, not to mention that there are more books I now want to read too... There's always winter break and spring break for that I guess :P

i actually got to hang out with my friends a lot this summer (more than I thought I would be able to), maybe that's why my grade on my exam was so bad. I was able to go out for supper and lunch quite a bit, I also got to go out for drinks a few times this summer. We ended up going to the wax museum, and the musical swings and the mosaic culture display at the Botanical Gardens. I didn't get to explore the city that much, but I had a lot of fun when I did go out with my friends.And clearly due to my supplemental exam, I wasn't able to go to Florida -.- Which is something I was actually really looking forward to :(

the house painting project went along, which delayed ALL my studying for a good 3 weeks because if I wasn't painting I was at work and all the furniture in my house was all over the place so it's hard to find a comfortable place to study. But I did get to reorganize my room-ish. I got new curtains and mirrors (which are still not set up) and I got to rearrange my room a little (I already liked the layout so there wasn't much to change).

And as far as my creative side went this summer, well it went nowhere. My creative touch will just have to wait until I have some free time from studying and wanting to shoot myself in the head for picking a life in science.

I also wanted to stay in shape this summer (I'm not sure if that's in my post from the beginning of summer, but I feel like I have mentioned it before). Work made me way to tired for that. I wanted to go for morning jobs and Zumba classes, but after working 15 hours the day before you just want to sleep when you have a chance. I did lose weight this summer though, a little less than I was hoping as a summer goal, but hey, it was all done without me actually working out, so I guess it's still an accomplishment

So yup, now you all know how my summer plans went. I kept thinking that my summer was pretty bad, but ow that I wrote everything out, my summer didn't seem that bad after all :P

-J

Frustration

Hey guys!

So I know it's been a long time since my last post (well not that long, but it feel like it's been a long time). I had a week off work and what a week it was. I was out almost everyday and it was just an amazing week. Unfortunately the week is definitely over cause obviously I had work today and well, the magic and happiness and happy-me is gone and replaced with stressed-out-never-happy-me again. But let's not dwell on the negatives.

My week was amazing, I got to meet up with everyone I wanted to meet up with and it was just fun and so carefree and relaxing even though I was always out and barely slept.

The thing I want to talk about today is not the amazing week however, it's WL. I don't know what he thinks and it's just so darn frustrating. I mean I have people telling me that he seems interested and I feel like he's interested, but then he goes and acts like he doesn't give a crap half the time and it is just so damn confusing. I asked him out to coffee on Tuesday and it was a really nice way to spend the afternoon. We got coffee and walked around the downtown area and we were basically talking about nothing. But it was a really easy going time. We both had plans after coffee, he told be when we first met up that he basically only had an hour with me so we made the best of it and the next thing you know it was an hour and a half later and we were still walking and talking about nothing. He ended up walking me to the bus stop to go to ST's house and he kept walking and stupid me got on the bus instead of deciding to walk with him since I was way early getting to ST's house anyways. We texted a little that night and it was nice, but the thing about WL is that he doesn't initiate conversations, in real life he would or h would do something that would make me start the convo, but by text it's a little harder I guess. Even I don't know what to say to him when I want to text him.

We met up last night with a group of people from work for vegan food, and he has been complaining since I invited him that we were having vegan food and in the end he ended up coming anyways, although he kept complaining and although I kept telling him not to come. He came and we ate and he basically called it the most expensive appetizer he ever had and then he called his friends to see where they were to see if they wanted to go and eat. Our group decided to go out for tea and he ended up coming anyways.

During the night he never really sat next to me and we never really talked, but at a point ST pointed out to me hat he kept looking at me but he wouldn't say anything. I had kind of noticed too, but after that I realized that he also didn't hold eye contact with me when I caught him looking. In the end we kept shifting seats and we sat next to each other for a while and it was nice cause we would both reposition ourselves once in a while to see each other better or to be closer to the other. And even though I was right next to him, NOTHING!

At the end of the night he was still complaining that we had a "hippie" night, but he said he had fun and when L mentioned that we should have more get together he looked at me an nodded and then we hugged. (Side note: second time I've ever hugged him ^.^).

I kind of texted him today and his replies could have been flirty, awkward or just plain creepy, but it was cute cause, you know I'm a girl and he was still texting me :P But it is funny cause I took it as WL being WL, but all my friends took it as being creepy and dirty... Guess I'm the most naive one out of the group :D

But ya, it's just frustrating cause sometimes I feel like he's interested but I'm never too sure, it's just so annoying cause I feel like I'm second guessing all the time and I feel like if he is interested he doesn't care enough to do something about it. I talked to a guy at work today and mentioned that I liked  guy and basically explained how WL acts around me and he told me that WL is interested but isn't sure how I feel and he might be afraid to get rejected. He explained how he was in those shoes once but he always avoided it by making sure the girl liked him for sure before making his move. So if that's the case, I either have to make it painfully obvious or I have to be a sitting duck :P I'm just afraid if I'm always texting him that he'll just find me annoying, cause he gets annoyed pretty quickly :P

ST also pointed out that although he kept complaining about last nights outing, he stuck by the whole time and she said she's pretty sure it wasn't to spend time with L or anyone else in the group. And it's true cause although he was against vegan he agreed to come before he knew who else was coming. But I just wish he would do something! I mean come on, if you really aren't interested you sure give me the wrong signal...

Wish me luck until I figure all this stuff out,

-J

More Confused Than Ever

Why are guys so difficult to understand?! I know we are too, but come on! We should all just sit down one day and discuss why one gender is more confusing than the other. It might be interesting...

So yes, back to my problems :P So yesterday (Thursday) WL was texting me while I was at work. It was a rainy day so I was at work all alone at first with my boss showing up and disappearing all the time. He kept me entertained during the day by texting me about random things. It was actually really cute and I was laughing a lot of the time. Today at work we laughed about the texts from the previous day and he was so talkative at work today! He was like Little Miss Chatterbox. It's always so easy going with him. He also shared some of his food with me during his break and I just kept taking, revenge from when he always took my food,  revenge is sweet (and tasty). Maybe it's just be being me and over thinking, but lately I've also noticed that he likes to come stand next to me for no reason, it's not like we're really talking, but just while working, I would find myself standing next to him while we're both wiping down a counter or something. We've also been talking a lot ore and joking around a lot more than we have before. Unfortunately even though this might sound like progress, his last day of work is on Sunday :( So I'll probably never see him again (if I do, it would be rare).

So a good 20 of us went out after work today, and we were a huge group with a table that wasn't big enough. some of us were standing and others were sitting and I was sitting with my brother and R and WL was just standing behind me with his hand on my chair for a long time, all his usual friends were at the other end of the table but h stayed next to me the whole time. Then when a chair opened up he didn't want to sit (even though it was 2 seats away) and he stayed there. He finally got a chance to grab a chair and he put it right next to me and walked off to help a few other guys bring tables over to out group. My brother sat down on the chair that WL had put next to me , and WL gave him a dirty look. I'm sorry let me just sit here and freak out like a little girl for a minute... He looked upset that MY brother took the seat next to me! We also took a group photo and a guy was standing next to me and he ended up standing on the ledge behind me (rigth behind me) and this is probably too much info for a lot of you now, so if you don't want to know you can just skim this part, but every time I turned around my face was basically crotch level... I won't deny it was a little disturbing. After my brother took my seat he basically sat at the other end of the table. I ended up going on that end cause ST was there and after a little while he bolted to the other end of the table.

I went to dance with a bunch of people (he refused to join), and then we came back and a few of us decided to go and have shots. I honestly didn't expect him to join us and all of a sudden I turn around and he's walking behind me. We were talking at the bar and he was next to me the whole time and we were talking and we both paid for the shots together (for the little group that wanted shots) and once again he would lean over me to get his shot and then the salt. The L came and stop between us and offered me a drink and told me that I looked really good. And I saw WL back off a little and then L kept pushing the drink, WL kind of walked away. I refused the drink from L and headed back to the table with WL and a few other people and we sat near each other at the table. We talked for a little bit and then I ended up leaving a little after that cause my designated driver wanted to leave. I gave a hug to everyone at the table, except him :(. And then once again, cause he likes being a ninja, he randomly sit down on the chair that is right behind me. It took a while for everyone to say bye, we were after all 20 something people. So my brother and I continued to joke around with him an anther coworker and I put my hands on his shoulders and he held one of my hands for a little bit :)

Now, I completely understand that this might all be me over thinking, but I'm starting to think that he might be interested... I just wish my brother didn't have to be such a "good" brother and that L didn't hit on me, cause then I might have known for sure! ARGH! why does life have to be so complicated?!

Another sign that I might be over thinking everything is that he gets along really well with this other girl at work, and they live near one another so they take the bus home together and stuff and for all I know, they might be secretly dating or something :(

Why can't I just know for sure? I have to discuss this with people tomorrow, but until then, I'll just keep over thinking about everything

By the way, if this post doesn't make sense, it's cause yes, i did have a little something to drink. No, not enough to get tipsy. And yes, I have been up for 21 hours now. Anyways, I'm going to sleep now. Blog to you guys soon  :)

-J

2 Weeks of Summer!

Hey guys!

So yes I am fully aware that it is 2AM and yes, I do have to get up 7:30 to get to work tomorrow. But I can't sleep and I think it' a good excuse to blog? Right?

I did my supplemental today, to be honest I think I could ave done better. I blanked on the exam (not fun) and I'm sure I doubted myself and messed up a bunch of things... It's done though and like ST keeps saying I can't do anything about it anymore. I just have to wait for the mark, I'll wait like a sitting duck (quack!). Right after my exam I met up with ST and LN for supper, but not before bumping into BD and get this we shopped for a bit and it was actually pretty fun. After supper I hung out with ST and a few of our coworkers and it was actually really fun and relaxing. It was a nice way to calm down from all the stress from the exam.

Since I'm going to be free for about a week before all hell breaks loose and school starts, I'm going to do as much as I can next week, since I'm off from work too. I already have plans set out for the rest of this week (mostly work) and the week after.

Friday night a bunch of us (most of us) from work are going to go to a bar after work. It should be fun cause the last few times I went out to a bar we had a lot of fun (but it seems that it always ends up with stories about me). It should be fun. Half of us are going from work and the other (lucky) half are coming from home so there will be a huge difference in appearance and smells between the two groups. I'll keep you guy posted if anything happens that night that is blog worthy, or you know, I'll blog anyways just for the fun of it.

Next week, I have Botanical Gardens with ST and W, Brunch with W, O, and maybe BB and then probably lunch or supper with AK. I would like to get a few more things going there and get the most of what I can get from my 'summer'. When life gives you lemons...

I also earned today that this is WL's last week. How did I not know that!? I'll miss his adorableness and smile and our harmless flirting. I know a lot of you are thinking that I should just do something about it, but I don't know, I just don't want to. I get it, I'll never know until I do something and what if he has the same doubts as you and blah blah, but we don't go to the same school and I don't think I'll have time for school, work, a relationship, a social life and whatever else is going to be thrown my way. If you love something set it free and if it comes back it was meant to be. And I know guys don't have to do everything, girl can do it too. But like, that doesn't mean I have to do something, I'm perfectly fine with my guys being assertive and doing something for themselves. I am assertive enough at work, I don't have to be off the clock.

So yup, I've basically updated you guys enough for a 2AM post. And I should really be getting to bed cause I am going to be butt tired tomorrow morning. Hope you guys are up to be served by a zombie!

XOXO Gossi... opps wrong blog :P
-J

Breakdown

So yes, it finally happened. I finally had my breakdown. Honestly, I'm surprised it took me this long to breakdown. I've been so stressed all summer, what with my supplemental and with working so much and just with my coworkers being assholes a lot of the time. I haven't had a day off since I started the season and all the stress just finally piled up to be so high that it all just tumbled on me and I finally cracked. It wasn't pretty and it was not at a convenient time to have a manager break down either. I felt that something was off about an hour before I broke down. I wasn't feeling well and I was distracted by nothing the whole time. I wasn't being coherent to customers and then midrush I had my breakdown and I had to run to the backstore to try to calm myself down and that didn't help. I completely shut down, something I never wanted to happen at work. I always hopped by breakdown would happen one day after work when I was at home or something.

My boss asked me what was wrong and I think he felt like he was walking on eggshells the whole night after that cause I was pretty upset. I ended up taking an extended break to just sit and do nothing (and cry). L saw me and gave me a hug and consoled me for a while and he offered to take my shift the next day (which I took him up on in the end).

So I had yesterday off and I didn't realize how much I needed a real day off. I barely spoke to anyone from work and the only time I did was to joke around with them. I had my phone off for half of the day and I also just slept for most of the day. I know I was supposed to study for my exam, but I was just so tired and rundown. I think that's a very valid excuse! But don't worry, I ended up studying at night, but got distracted by work people. I'm still trying to fix the issues from last night.

To be honest, I think that work isn't going to help my blood pressure, at this point I don't think it's going to help with my health at all (although walking around all day is exercise). I really need to start balancing my stress a lot better cause I think all this stress will end up cutting my life short. Hopefully, I'll find a balance before my next breakdown or before things get any worse.

-J

Work Appreciation

I forgot to mention this on my previous post, but according to MD my boss really appreciates all the work that I put into work. He knows I'm working on my days off and he knows that I'm always trying to fix problems no matter how bug and he knows how much I care about everything. But sometimes (almost always) I just feel so under appreciated by my boss. It's not like he never says thank you or anything, but there is no praising and even though I told ST that that is just how my boss works, it just really sucks sometimes. I know my boss appreciates me, and that should be enough on it's own right? But it just sucks that he doesn't show it. He shows appreciation in subtle ways, like helping me out all the time and letting me get my way with certain aspect of work and giving me freedom and always doing me favors. I know likes me because when he knows something is wrong he inquires and depending on the problem, he will try to help me figure out a solution to it even if it is unwork related. At the end of the day I know my boss cares, but I just feel like he doesn't give a crap half the time.

But according to MD, my boss really cares and he was telling him how much he appreciates me and how he could do more for me and he was talking about compensating me at some point. But I truly doubt that's going to happen MD keeps telling me to have a chat with my boss and ask for a compensation or a raise. And deep down inside I feel like I should, but then again, I'm not working for my boss for money or for a compensation. I'm working for him because I want to work for him. As much as a complain about work and him, I love working for him. He's a really cool and nice guy when it comes down to it. I know a lot of people don't see him that way, but then again a lot of my co-workers just have a employer/employee relationship with him.To be honest, I think at this point I would be willing to work for him as long as he still wants me around (which will probable be forever... I'll be like RD that's been around for 7 years now (not always under the same boss though)).

Even though I don't think I'll get compensated, I'm curious as to what type of compensation it will be. MD thinks it will come in the form of a huge bonus or something, but I really don't know. I don't see my boss compensating anyone at work, let alone me.

I will admit that a compensation in any form would be amazing, cause even though I know my boss appreciates me, it is nice to have it reinforced once in a while.

-J

Work Confusion

Hey Guys!

So I know, it's been forever since I've posted anything, and I'm sorry for that. I've been pretty busy with work and studying for my supplemental and trying to have somewhat of a social life. The summer is going by so quickly and in less than a month I'll be back at school and wishing I hadn't missed out on my summer. This little vicious circle just never ends does it? :(

Work has been stressful, and it's really hard to explain cause it's not like I hate it, in fact I still love it, but I'm just too overly stressed at work for my own good. I honestly love working for my boss and I like some of the people at work, and the people I do like I love working with them. But lately whenever I'm at work I tend to be very unhappy and sometimes for the smallest reasons. and my mood would fluctuate a million times during the day. If I was an outsider looking into my situation, I think I would tell myself to quit my job and just not worry about it. But what an outsider wouldn't understand is how much I love this job and how even if I quit, I'll never stop thinking about it or worrying about what goes on at work. It's like my unhealthy addiction.

My boss asked it I would be back next year, and I actually had a moment where I paused and was  thinking about it. I've been thinking about it for a while. I would want to get another job, something related to my field or something that will help me determine if I'm in the right field or not. But it's hard cause I have zero lab experience and no connections at all in the analytical research world. I should have gone into marketing research :P That's where all my connections are. I have to start looking around a lot harder to try to find an in into this world that I'm not even sure I want to be in (world being research world, that was not a suicidal thought). But back to the topic at hand, I told by boss that I would be back (cause that's what my heart and my family says) but I didn't promise how much I would be working next year. MD suggested that I sit down with my boss and tell him how I feel about all of this, but the truth is, I don't even know how I feel about it all. I'm so conflicted about so many of the things at work right now.

A lot of people have also seen both sides of me, there is "manager me" and there is "normal me" and people who are close to me are able to see a huge difference. Manager me is always stressed and grouchy and normal me is easy going, nice to get along with. It's starting to scare me that it's not only one person that see's it. I know I'm different at work and casually and I know that a lot of people at work just see me as manager me. I do think that there are a few people who do get to see me as me at work because I do have my moments of being weird a random like I am most of the time outside of work. It would be nice to have get togethers after the season with the people I am fond of, that way they'll get to know me for me and not for over-stressed me.

Let's hope the rest of the season will only get better,

-J

Work Work and More Work

Hey guys!

So the work season is in full bloom and I am tired! I've been working on average about thirty hours a week when the LaRonde was only open part time, and the past two weeks we have been open almost full time. That just mean that my hours are going to go up in the next few weeks. Now as much as I love working (even though I complain about it a lot, ask anyone), the hours are getting long and I'm getting tired, and I still have to study for my biology supplemental exam. I'm not even half way through the material yet, and it's going very slowly because I'm either always tired or meeting up with friends that I already don't see all that often. Yes, I feel guilty going out so much (like about once a week :P) but I also need the social time with my friends because although I work with both ST and W, I don't get to see them much because although we all work for the same boss, I'm not part of the same company as them. So we only see each other if I walk by one of the stores or during breaks or at the end of the day. But I know, it's not an excuse to not be studying, I'll try to do better.

Besides my guilt over not studying, I have a lot of things to say about work. I'll be working a lot in the next five days! and by a lot I mean about fifty hours in the next five days. It's a lot, I know, and I'll be a cranky bitch by the time Monday and Tuesday roll around, but hey, I will have worked a shit load! It averages out to ten hours a day, but my shifts (depending on the day) is anywhere between 9-13 hours long. Fireworks start this Saturday, so I'll only be getting home at about 2AM and guess what? I have to be up by 7 and head to work for 10 the next day! YAY for no sleep... not really :p But I will try to power through! I apologize to everyone in advance for my grouchiness though.

There's also been a lot of work drama, like L and BD have been going around pissing CL and myself off, like she would point out that the only reason we are in our positions is because we are our bosses favorites. We have more responsibilities because we're his favorites, and he also drives us home for the same reason. If we were his favorites, why are we doing more work than they are? If the only reason he drives us home is because he likes us, then why is L (whom my boss hates) is also getting a ride home? Like GW and MD have told be more than once, I am in my position because I can work, not because I've tried to suck up to my boss, and not because I've snitched out about a million people. I worked my ass off to be where I am today, and I am still working just as hard as I was on day one, if not harder. Yes, I have a few more things to do at work compared to BD, but that's just cause I happen to be around my boss when he needs help. It's not like I go up to him and demand more work (I'm crazy, but not that crazy). I also work at home sometimes without getting paid, and I know that BD would not be willing to put the amount of unpaid hours into work like I do. I also seem to have become the front line for the noobs at work, they text me whenever they have a problem with the schedule. So all this extra work really doesn't seem like I'm getting favored at all. Now I'm not going to deny that I am one of my boss' favorites, nor am I going to deny that I know who his other favorites are, but my boss is fair. He's not going to promote someone just cause he likes them more than another person. My boss is also the type to favorite the better workers. So like MD said to me a while back, I'm in my position because I can work better than others and my boss knows that. I'm not going to say I'm the best, because I know I'm far from that, but I know I'm working hard and my boss can see how hard I'm working even though others don't.

Also, I didn't want to write a whole other post for this, but WL was being adorable at work a few days ago. It was raining pretty badly and I gave him an umbrella cause he already put his work hat away. And we were walking from store to store and he would follow me around holding the umbrella for me. Now it may not have been super cute, but I just found it very gentleman like of him. He escorted me from store to store, brought me to the washroom and waited for me outside, even when I would switch the side I'm walking next to him, he would shift the umbrella so I was always under it. I found it was really sweet of him, and yes, my crush on him may be starting up again...

Anyways, until next time, whenever that may be :P

-J

Pet Peeves at Work and Guys Being Weird

Hey guys!
 
So no I haven't done much in terms of bio, I've been more focused on work and hanging out with my friends and just sitting around doing nothing (basically nothing). It's been warm here the past few days (albeit some rain), but it's been nice. A little too hot for the perfect comfortable weather, but it beats snow :P I don't actually have much to talk about, but I figured hey it's been a while and I don't feel like studying.

Works been going pretty great, I've had three manager shifts so far, and they aren't as bad as I thought it would be. All the new people seem to be doing well and the ones that aren't well.... they are never around so ya :P I'm getting used to the longer work hours, and I'm getting a lot more comfortable telling people what to do. The one thing that gets me is giving breaks to people cause it always seems like I'm going to run out of time. The only thing I don't like is that I feel removed from the employees, I feel like I won't get to know them as well as I would have if I was still an operations manager. I also don't like how I have to end up doing things on my days off, that end up causing mass confusion cause my boss would tell m, but not the manager that's actually working that day -.- He should always be working with the manager of the day and not someone who isn't around. And I also forgot that I hate it when all the new people ask me what's going on even though I'm not working that day. To be woken up by your boss and employees to do things on your day off is not always the best way to wake up... And this morning, there was a mess in communication between my boss, myself and the other manager. It was interesting :P

Aside from work, I haven't done much, I've been hanging out with W, BB, O, ST, and AK so it's been fun cause I don't get a chance to see everyone during the semester.

A few of my friends are also in Israel this summer for volunteering, H and AA included. And AA has been messaging me on Facebook and he wants to make plans to meet up when he gets back from his trip. Our convo actually started when he found out I wished H a nice trip but not him and he seemed jealous, which makes no sense, cause I never talk to him anymore. I barely see him in school and we never text. When we see each other, it's a quick hug and a little convo, generally about how tired we are or how an exam went. So I'm a little confused on his front, but I guess I'll see what becomes of this situation :P

L has also been weird lately, like he would get on my case at work about the stupidest things and he likes to pick little fights with my brother (and then get me involved, which he shouldn't cause it causes problems at work). and I honestly thinks he needs to get knocked into place -.- But he's also spent Friday being super nice to me. He even said that I sounded "girly" on the phone (he couldn't recognize my voice -.-). I don't know if the girly comment was an insult or not, but it didn't seem like it in our convo. He also spent the day bugging me like a fifth grader would when they have a crush on someone (please don't let that be the case) and he was also really touchy, always punching me and poking me and he even pet me... (like a fifth grader).

Why do guys have to be so flipping confusing?! Why can't it just me obvious if they like someone?

-J

Change for the Better (I Hope)

Hey guys!

So I've been looking back at the past 3-4 years, and I've come to realize how much I've grown. I know I have a lot more growing to do, considering that I'm just 20, but I've changed a lot more than I thought I did in the past few years. Not only did my face look like I lost some baby fat, I also look like I've slimmed down a little. Now I know there is a lot more fat to burn, I know I don't look as bloated as I used to be. I was looking at my old employee passes and I noticed that I seemed to have lost weight every year, always a good sign, although cameras are known to play tricks (but the camera usually adds 10 lbs, so maybe I am loosing weight? :P) All kidding aside, I also feel a lot better about my body image now than I did back then. I can still work on that, admittedly A LOT, but it's better than it used to. My clothes are no longer just tshirts and jeans, although they are still my comfy outfit choice. I've also learned what type of clothes look better on by body type compared to others. So in the past few years my physical image has changed a lot.

I've also grown a lot on the inside as well. I've gained a lot more confidence than I give myself. I mean you tell me right out of High School that I would be a manager right now, I would have laughed in your face and told you that that would probably never happen. Then again, if you told me at the age of 15 that I was going to go into sciences, I would have thought you to be insane, but look at me now. So I guess things do change, and sometimes in a good an unexpected way. I'm a lot more confident now that I was in high school, I'm not as afraid of voicing my opinions (well depending on who I'm talking to). I also don't feel as uncomfortable leading a group of people as I did before. As someone once put it, "[I've] become a boss," and somehow I never noticed. But I'm glad I have this confidence now because I no longer look like the confused "new guy in town" all the time. I don't doubt all my decisions all the time (although it still happens a lot) and I start doing things that I know how to do without having to double check all the time first like I used to.

The one negative thing about my changes in the past few years is that I'm a lot less patient now. I used to be able to tolerate people's BS a lot better than I can now. I snap pretty easily and I also get emotional pretty easily. Maybe it's accumulated stress or it's just my learning how to not be a push over. I guess in someway it's good that I'm not going to let people push me around anymore, but I also have trouble communicating my feelings when I snap, so the situation actually never really gets any better... But I'm trying to work on it. According to ST, I'm a patient person... At least I think that's what she thinks? (please correct me if I'm wrong).

What I'm the most happy about is that my close group of friends (the real close group of friends) is always there to support me. They all support me if different ways, but I know that they are always there for me. If something is wrong they are willing to meet up with me or call me, or even text till ridiculous hours of the night. If they know something is wrong and I call, they'll call me back as soon as they can and they won't hang up until I feel better. And I know that I would do the same for them, because we are all close. The only thing that makes me sad is that my close group of friends is divided into a few groups. I have my close friends from high school: W, O, BB. Then I have my close friends from CEGEP: ST, and LN. And from work I have CL and, a new mention, CT from work. They are my current little support group. And sadly even in this little group I have the ones that I trust more than others :P I wonder if that's normal or I'm just being weird :P

But honestly, I'm happy that I got to think about how much I've changed in the past few years, it gives me a little more confidence in myself now, even just thinking back of the last few years and seeing that I made great new friends and seeing that I was able to lead a group of people and no one got hurt in the process (yet :P). Even looking back at comments I've received, I see now (since I'm no longer in the situation) that a lot of them weren't just people being polite. The compliments came from the heart.

-J

Stress Stress and more Stress

Hey guys,

So yes summer has started and I have already hit my first impasse. I have to write an exam at the end of the summer to get into one of the classes I'm taking in a future semester, so now I have to turn into a study monster (the transformation is taking some time... A LOT of time). I'm hoping to get started tomorrow so I know I have enough time to know most of the stuff and be as prepared as possible. This is not the main source of my stress, yet... but it will be. I'll let that hit me when it does.

My main source of stress is work. Like I pointed out before, I am stressed about how people will take me as a manager this year. I mean last year was great in terms of me being and operations manager but being manager, it feels like it takes stress levels to whole new level... And I'm scared of messing up or of being the manager that everyone hates. I've met up with most of the new recruits and a lot of them seem really nice, but of course, I have to see how they work before I can make a final verdict. BD, co-manager and has an hate/love relationship with me, has been very nice the past few days, which gets me very suspicious for some reason, and maybe I shouldn't be suspicious, but I am. She would Facebook message me and get her bf to text me on her behalf (she currently doesn't have a phone) and she would be really nice when we see each other. It's a ice change of pace from my usual walk on eggshells, but I can't help but be suspicious anyways. L also seems to be super nice and we're getting along well even though he was being a sour grape a little while back. But what is stressing me is my boss. I just feel like he might be expecting a little too much out of me. I mean , I have no clue what I'm doing. I've been working the past two days along with BD, L and GW and we've been briefing the new people in on the job and touring them to our different locations and my boss would suddenly be like "J, you do it" and he won't stop insisting till I do whatever it is he asked. Things went by a lot easier today, maybe cause it was a repeat of the previous day, but not as bumpy a ride :P I just feel like it's going to be a lot o pressure on me this year (most of the pressure I'll probably be putting on myself), but I just feel like it will be.

In the past two days, I've met with over 40 new employees, gotten sunburned like it's the middle of July, gotten along with a lot of the new employees and already had my boss chauffeur me around, I wouldn't say it's a bad of good start, but it is definitely a start of the season.

My relationship with my boss is also stressing me out a little. Because even thought I know I've worked hard to get to where I am, the things people say about being the "favorite" is getting to me a little. I'm starting to think that maybe I did just get lucky and ended up having a good relationship with my boss. I mean he drives me home after shifts, and he's driven me into work once of twice (mostly cause he lives less than ten minutes to me by car), I get sent emoticons when I text him (kinda strange), I know he takes my opinions seriously, I've gone to a bar with his wife, and I answered that darn mans' phone today for Pete's sake! Although it was because he was in the middle of a presentation and I knew the person on the other end. But still, what if all of this is the only reason I am where I am? What if I'm a bosses pet? I mean he even asked me to go into work this week and I thought it was a group text asking a bunch of employees, but from the way he answered I sound like the only one he asked. So yes it's a strange relationship, but is that the only thing that's gotten me where I am, or am I as hard working as I hope I am?

I'm probably talking nonsense, but it's just a lot of stress... Plus at the moment I'm making work plans, study pans, school related plans and social plans all at the same time for the upcoming 7 days, and it is hard to juggle all of this at once... Why am I the planner in my group of friends again?

-J

Summer is Upon Me!

Hey guys!

So I am done with this semester!! First year of university: CHECK! That is right, first year of Uni done, 2 (hopefully) more to go! So what am I going to be doing this summer? Well I already wrote down my plans here (check it out if you want, or not). But long story short, get in shape, work and read, read  READ!!

I already have a bunch of books lined up (most of which I have bought in the past few years and never got around to) and I'm hoping to get even more books in, although I want to make myself only get books when I'm going to read them. I've noticed that I have a lot of hardcover books that are available in paperback by the time I get around to reading them. That is, only get them when I'm going to read them unless there is a sale, how can I say no to a book sale? I guess like last summer I'm going to keep you guys updated on the books I read, I don't know if I'm going to do a book list again like I did last year, although I might do a compilation at the end of the summer when I've tallied up all the books I've read.

My other plan is to get in shape! It'll be hard with work and all (I know from previous experience) but I want to go on jogs/walks in the morning, or go biking instead (whichever strikes my mood in the morning). Not every morning, but a good 2 times a week. I know it should be 2, but with working 35 hours in a week within 3 days, one can get tired :P But I will try, I promise (well actually don't hold me to that :P). I also have to go to the Zumba classes that ST got me for Christmas... yes shame on me, I never got around to going to them :P

And yes, my summer has just begun (today) and I'm already thinking about work and all that jazz, I am a eager one, I'll give you that :P I like to keep busy with an unhealthy dose of stress, not good for me I know, but it keeps me on my toes and focused. So back to work, I thought that I would have a good month off before I have to worry about that again... but I guess not... I have to go into work next week. Talk about a short summer. I'm hoping it's nothing big, probably just a meeting, organizing employees and setting out the plan for the year, but it's still work... and on top of it all, I have to go in in the morning :(

Speaking of work (I know I'm talking about work A LOT), I am worried about becoming a manager... Like what if something goes terribly wrong? What if I'm not cut out to be a manager? I was an operations manager last year, but it's on a whole new level, I mean last year I had one store to take care of, this year I'll have 4 (we own separate stores in different locations), on top of it all, if something went wrong, I had my manager to fall back on. It's a lot of work, and I'm scared that I'm not up for the task, although a lot of people think I am, I don't feel ready. I'll be the one calling the shots (if my boss isn't in) and I'll also be the one ultimately responsible if anything goes wrong, and I don't have a thick skin. The last time my boss left em in charge with the 4 stores, I went banana's. I legit broke down in the backroom, it was a hell a lot of stress, although my boss got an earful afterwards (and yet I am still working for him...). I'm hoping things go smoother now than it did last time, cause that did not leave a good impression on me. Also, I realize, I'm going to be an active part of firing and keeping employees... And I have a lot of friends coming in to work for us this year, am I ready to boss them around? Yell/lecture them if need be? Or worst case scenario, fire them? I'm a type of person that can't say no, so should I be worried? Maybe not, I mean I did recommend them so they are only the best of candidates... hopefully. So yes, it's a lot for me to think about right now preparing myself to get authoritative... my worst skill (yay). And like last year, I am walking in thinking "everyone will hate me." Yes that is what I walked into work thinking last year, and although I got a long with most people, I'm petty sure a few people couldn't stand me... But hopefully I'll leave a good impression on the newcomers like I did with the ones last year :)

Wish me luck!

-J

p.s. Good luck with your finals, essays and everything else! And if you're already done with it all, then have an amazing summer!

Summer Plans

Hey Guys!

So no, finals aren't over yet, but i just finished writing three in three days, so I get a little break :P But even with two more to come next week I am excited for summer! It's going to be my longest summer yet, four months! FOUR! So you bet I'm excited.

My work load is supposed to go down this summer since I'm a manager and work 10-13+ hour shifts a day... yay... When I said that my work load is going down I meant my work days :P The hours are still going to be long. But I'm hoping that this years crop is going to be a good team that makes me not mind being on my feet for 12 hours. Speaking of work, I got ST and W to work with me this summer, along with one of my other friends, so it would probably be pretty cool. Also my boss has huge plans for the summer and I'm hoping it's all going to work out cause the plans are really great and I see them working out really well :)

Aside from work, I plan on reading as much as I can, I read 19 books last summer and I'm hoping to top that, cause my summer is even longer, and because I have a HUGE amount of books that I own and haven't yet read, along with the fact that the list just keeps growing thanks to the books I still want to buy. I want to get to the point where I only get a point when I'm going to read that, but I would have to get the books I already have out of the way before that can happen. So this summer I'm going to try! I currently have 19 books owned to read and 7 that I want to get (or borrow from the library). My goal for the summer is 30 books :D

I'm also planning to hang out with my friends as much as possible, there are so many things I want to do this summer. I want to go to the wax museum that is going to be at the Eaton Center this summer, it seems interesting with over 120 wax figures to check out :) Plus it's only14$ for student (18$ regular admission). I also want to check out this place near Place des Arts metro that has musical swings. , the each swing makes one note and as your swing you make different sounds depending on the speed that you are swinging at. I also want to go out for supper or lunch or even coffee with a few of the friends I haven't been able to catch up with in the past year because of school. W and I also want to explore Montreal, we were both born and raised here, but we both feel like we don't know our city that well. We think that it would be a good experience to go to different places in the city, even the touristy places and just get to know our city better. We want to do things like spend a day at the old port, or just walk around Mount-Royal or Parc Jean-Drapeau. We are both planning to document our summer with pictures and little videos and then do a huge compilation at the end of the summer (although it would never end up on this blog because of the principle of the blog :P)

I might also be going to Florida towards the end of the summer with two of my friends from high school and one of their parents. She asked me to go down last year but I wasn't able to take the time off, so I'm going to try to go this year and I'm hoping the plans work out cause I really want to go to Florida and of course DISNEY! if we get the chance :D I'm still a child at heart and the thought of going to Disney World still gets me super excited... well does one ever tire of going to Disney World?

We're also planning to paint my whole house over the summer, which means that I will be remodeling my room (a little since I already remodeled everything a few months ago). I want to get rid of somethings and brings a few new things in, and get all my things organized, cause although my room is clean, I would not call it organized, it is currently at an organized mess level :P My brother and I also have ideas about how to reorganize the things in our house a little to change up the look a little. Hopefully that all works out too :D

And I also want to get my creative side back this summer, I want to start sketching again. I've noticed that my sketches are horrible lately and I want to get that little creative touch back, I don't want to be a super great artist or anything, but just get back to the level I used to be at. I also want to start writing stories again, I used to do it when I was younger, I would make plots and ideas for stories and do the whole character backgrounds and everything (I still have most of them on file), but I never got to finishing or writing the stories. I've looked over some of the old plot lines and sadly, almost every story looks about the same. I want to give that a try again this summer and see if I can actually finish the story this time :P

So here you have it, my current plans for the summer :P

P.S. if you you guys know of any cool places I should check out in Montreal please tell me about them :)

-J

20th Birthday!

Hey guys!

So it was my birthday last Saturday and I celebrated it with my friends on Friday and I decided to celebrate with my family on Saturday. so obviously with this plan, I didn't get any school work done at all this weekend.

I went to 3amigos with my girlfriends on Friday, on the guest list was ST, W, BB, Y, S, GW, CL and a few other people that I've never mentioned on the blog, we were 10 in total. And as per 3amigos style, they give you a sombrero when it's your birthday, along with a slice of cake, YUM! I had a blast at supper and I got really cool presents! Thank you to everyone that came :D Along the presents were: cupcakes, perfume, a book, nail polish, a tea cup, and others. And GW paid for my supper :) which was super sweet of her.

After supper we headed to a pub where, thank to my sombrero, I got a huge happy birthday from a table of guys and one of the guys wished me happy birthday and shook my hand. We were at the table next to his and the whole time we were there, he would look at me (and not like in stealth, like outright let me look at the table). Every time we were looking at pics he would look at the pic, every time we said something he would turn over and look. I refused to make eye contact, which made it all the more fun to see him keep trying (I never said I was nice :P). And when we were leaving, his whole table was looking over at us, and he was looking at me. I ended up putting my sombrero on his head said "Voila!" and his face lit up, it was so cute, like his eyes got all wide and his smile grew into a giant smile. Now in case you are wondering, he was pretty cute. His table started cheering and he got up and gave me a giant hug, with a squeeze :D, and kissed me on the cheek. All his friends wanted him to kiss me, but I said no, and like a gentleman he didn't protest. And no, I didn't get his name or number, which I wish I did :(

Then we headed to a bar, Saint-Sulpice for those of you who know where that is, and we chilled and danced there for a while before making out way home. My "home" for the nigh was Y's house, since I can't stay out till late, that was a solution. Not much happened at the sleep over since it was late and her whole entire house was asleep :P

I came home the next morning for about an hour, then headed out to go see AK, cause she couldn't make it the night before. We had lunch at this super cute Korean restaurant and then we went out for coffee. It was nice to spend the afternoon with her cause I haven't seen her for a long time. And we just talked about school and our lives and what we plan for the future (where we would live, what we could do for honeymoons) and other random things. It was a very relaxing afternoon.

Then I came home and went out for supper with my family, and when we were leaving the restaurant, I learned that my brother invited one of his friends over. This friend turned out to have invited one of my neighbors over, and that neighbor invited two other neighbors. And they all knew it was my birthday, so they came over with birthday wished and a few had presents. We all chilled and since the first neighbor got me a pterodactyl Lego set, I decided to sit down and build it :P And it took me an hour, but it was fun :P every time I messed up one of my brothers friends would take the pieces apart for me so I could fix my mistake. I chilled with them the whole night, talking, watching Youtube videos, playing Slenderman, which is a horror game, and then just chatting with him. It wasn't awkward cause they are all my friends too.

So basically I spent Friday with all my girlfriends and Saturday night with a few of my guy friends. It was
 a nice way to spend my birthday, although I didn't get much sleep this weekend :P And now I have to cattch up in school work :(

Also the best birthday wish I got was from MD: "J!!!!! I wanted to wish u a happy birthday. Honestly I believe that your such a good person! Your real and most people lack that characteristic. You are gold.  Stay gold J!!! We need more people like you in this world. Happy Birthday :) [...] U deserve the world!!!" I copied it down word for word, so please forgive me for the spelling mistakes :P This made my night though, it was so sweet.

-J

School is Back

It's been about 2 weeks since school started and yes, I am already buried in work and behind in lectures... Oh the wonders of school. This semester is turning out not so bad, well not really. I have 8:30 classes every morning and I have ten minutes to walk form Sherbrooke to Pine everyday (for those of you who live in Montreal, we all know how bad the climb is on Peel). But I do have a very interesting class on Drug Dependence and the class has proven to be both super interesting and super disturbing. We watched a video of the ER in a hospital in Chicago with patients coming in from trauma cases where they either drank or abused drugs that night, and some people had cuts, another guy had a hole in his shoulder (like a huge bloody one), and another man's lungs exploded on him after a motorcycle accident (yes, blood was coming out of him). It's one of those classes where you come out and you're like "I am never going near that stuff/ I am never going to touch that stuff." This class requires a lot of reading though -.- and there are pop quizzes, but it's fun so it's worth it :)

Nothing much is happening other than that. I'm pretty busy this weekend cause it's my birthday and I'm going to go out with friends for supper tomorrow night and celebrate with my family on the weekend and hopefully get some rest and squeeze some school work in there too. I have 2 chapters to read for my drug class, and a bunch of lectures I have to review, not to mention 20 amino acids to memorize -.-

I am also trying to keep up with the healthy new years resolution of getting into shape, and so far, I haven't been too too good at it, but Y and I are planning to go to the gym 3 times a week and I still have to go to my zumba classes. I'll have to try to do it during the weekend. I have been doing pushups and crunches at home, along with some other random stretched or exercises, so maybe that counts too? And don't forget walkign up that stupid hill D:

Sorry for the boring "I shouldn't even have posted this post" post, but I was in the mood for posting :P How are you're new years resolutions and school year coming along?

-J

I Knew You Were Trouble

Hey guys, so it's two days past new years and I'm already breaking the be more confident. But I said I would try, it doesn't mean I'll be good at it. But this post isn't about my new years resolutions, cause come on it's been 2 days, I have a year to do the stuff on my list. I'm actually confused, and wish I had a little sister to talk things out with about, but I don't and I know my friends are busy with others things, so I turn to you guys, and in this case maybe you guys is no one, but it's nice to just write things down. Obviously I do own a journal, but I made this blog a little over a year ago to share with you guys my experiences, so I figure why not, since this is what the blog is made for, although I have some readers that I would have never thought would read my blog. A lot of you might have noticed that sometimes my posts are random, or they switch gears really randomly, like one minute I'm headed one direction and the next I'm going the other way, but that's cause all my posts are written in one shot. Or as one shot as I try to make it cause sometimes I do get distracted with family or other things. But they are not planned out and they are not spell checked and proofread (although if I notice a mistake, I try to fix it). I don't reread through my posts after they have been posted, this is seriously like a journal type blog, so please bear with me and my random thoughts.

So what I'm confused about tonight is a guy, and ST and W and even O, you don't have to keep reading cause you already know what the issue is. But I just want to get all my feelings down and then see for myself how I really feel and how I should go about my confusion, hopefully it doesn't just confuse me more than it already has, cause it seems like every time I try to figure this out, it just gets worse.

So I've talked about L before and there have been a lot of negative things about him, but he's not always a complete ass. I can't remember what the first ting I said about him is, but I remember telling you guys that I was showing interest in him, whether that was this year or last year (I really can't remember when he first showed up on my blog). But in real life, it been more than a year. You know that guy that you kind of like, but you don't at the same time, like the one that you love and hate at the same time. Ya that's what I feel with him, and the thing is, maybe I just realized this as I'm writing it, but he has the potential to be a really good best guy friend. I mean he isn't like a lot of the guys I know cause most of them are studious and in a sense "good." He's smart in his own ways, and he's got a pretty good sense in style, like I would want to walk around shopping with him cause he would totally try on the clothes I get him. He's bad in a sense, not totally bad ass being a thug bad, but he's not the best influence I can be around. But he has his quirks, he's fun to argue with and to be silly around, and on some level I feel very comfortable around him.

So what confuses me? Well I don't know if I like like him and see him as a potential boyfriend, or I just like being around him and want him as just a friend. The thing is I kind f see myself going out with him, but at the same time I don't, and ST is right, I'm scared of being in a relationship, like I like the idea, but when it clicks that it might be real, I freak and friendzone a lot of people. And the thing is, how can someone who likes the idea of relationships so much be scared of them? Well cause I always see the bad sides of them, I've helped my friends with a fair share of heartbreak (and well I've nursed a few of my own) and it's scary, all the hurt that falls out from so much love. I don't know if I'm ready to deal with all of that. And obviously I know that I will never know unless I put myself out there ad try, but I'm scared. Scared that I'm not good enough, or that the relationship will end really badly, and the thing is I get attached very easily, so it's going to be hard for me when I go through my first break up with someone. The rejection I've faced once, and that was a shock, although I was expecting it. So I think I'm just scared of not being rejected by the ones I love, or being abandoned by them when they see that I'm not as nice as they think I am.

So back to L, I don't know if I like him like him, and a lot of times when it's just us two, I always think, maybe I should just kiss him and get this over with. Cause maybe kissing him would tell me if I really like him or not, cause I remember my first kiss and I didn't feel anything from that other than the loud booming music in the background. So maybe when we kiss someone we actually like we do feel fireworks or whatever. And I always think that, which annoys me, cause a) I don't normally think things like "hey let's just kiss" and b) I'm not that bold! But something about him just, I don't know, makes me want to really find out if I like him or not, and I'll admit, I have a hard time figuring out if I like a guy or not, but with him, it's like the harder I try, the more blurred the lines become. There are sides to him which I like and others that I'm a little wishy washy about, but all in all, he's a good kid.

I like that when I'm with him, we can sit in silence, I used to sit with him on the bus for 20 minutes in complete silence and it wouldn't be awkward, well at first when I didn't know him that well then obviously it was awkward, but we got to a point where we just sat next to each other or facing one another and it would be fine to just listen to our music and not talk, with a lot of other people, I feel the need to fill the silence even though it's not awkward to begin with. With him, it's just nice to sit there and enjoy the company. Also I like that he's open, like he would complain about work to me and tell me about the girls that have rejected him (which always turns out to be pretty entertaining), and he would tell me how he doesn't like his parents much, or his brother for that matter, and he would also tell me his plans for school and his future living conditions, now don't get all "He's totally into you!" yet, cause I know he tells other people about this stuff too. I'm not the only special one that gets into the mind of L. Although I know he likes to vent about stuff with me, I don't know if he also does this with BD, which kind of annoys me, cause you guys know how much I love her -.- And if you didn't I just made it completely evident. They are pretty good friends, so maybe they both talk shit about me behind my back, but that is besides the point. I don't know who else he would tell his stories to besides me, so I don't feel special in regards to that point.

The thing about him is that he has a lot of characteristics of what I don't look for in a guy, I mean he smokes pot, he dropped out of school (although he's going back to school this semester), he parties all the time, gets wasted a lot. But he also has a plan for where he wants to be headed, and even though a lot of the times things get in the way of his plans, he plans around them. Like he just lost his job twice in the past 4 months be he isn't going to let that stop him from planning to move out and to go on vacations to really cool places around the world. Although I know he's bummed and piss about it, he's not the time to sit around and complain about it and mope around. He'll get up and try looking for other jobs and still go out with friends. He's also one of the guy that will brush up on things he doesn't know and is pretty strongly opinionated. When I'm with him, it's like being with a good friend, I can just be myself, no need to impress or to show off and I'm pretty relaxed around him, I would push him around and joke around with him. Although I've noticed that I have a hard time looking him in the eye (just like everyone else I'm close to). It's a habit, I think I'm scared of seeing that they judge me as I talk or do something, or it's a low self esteem thing.

Is it normal that I have been thinking about all this stuff with L for over a year? In my head it isn't, I mean I barely know the kid! And according to a lot of people, I make him sound like as asshole, and I think I may have a point making him sound that way, I mean he's told me that he is only interested in girls that register as a 5 or higher on his list and that I am not in that category. Today when we met up for bubble tea, I noticed that his eyes traveled south from my face a few times, and for long enough for me to notice too.

But at the same time, I like how he was being honest with me in telling me that BD hates me, not that I didn't know before hand, I mean she makes it really obvious. Right now a bunch of us are in the running to be manager at work. BD is already the manager, but if she leave I'm next in line and L also believes that he is in the running, but my boss has stated many times that he is not. And apparently BD made a statement making it sound like I want to steal her job even thought she is still working for my boss, and from that L told me that she was being very hateful about it. It was funny hearing it from him since I know that they are pretty good friends. I am glad that since BD is staying manager, I won't have to take the position and feel bad about being manager even though L wanted the position too. I mean, I wouldn't mind taking it from BD but i consider L a friend, so I would feel bad about it.

So I guess this post didn't really help with anything other than make me realize that I want to keep him around cause after all he is a  friend. So that's a start right? And I think I would rather keep him as a friend than be something more with him, at least that's what I get after writing the post.

Sorry it got so long though, I wasn't expecting it to be this long, and I deviated a lot from the actual goal of the post, but I can't control my thoughts, I'm only human :P

I guess I'll end this post with a quote from Taylor Swift: "I knew you were trouble when you walked in." I could not have explain it better myself, and right now this is one of my favorite songs and people say that your favorite songs are your favorite because they speak to you in a sense.

-J

New Years Resolutions + Staff Get Together

Hey guys!

New years is fast approaching, and with that comes new years resolutions... that never seem to be kept for more than a few weeks :P I'm hoping this year will be different. This year i have a few new years resolutions and I'm hoping I'll keep at least one of them.

So here are my new years resolutions:

1. Get into shape: yes, this is partially me wanting to loose weight, but I also want to climb McGill's hill everyday without dying trying to get between classes. I with this resolution, I want to go to to gym twice a week, hopefully I'll be able to keep that schedule during midterms and finals too, but even if I can't I would want to go at least once a week. Part of this resolution was also to join a dance of a zumba class, and ST made me commit to that (at least for 5 classes) cause that is what she got me for Christmas! I am so excited cause hopefully, this will make me really want to commit to it for more than a few classes. We'll see how that works out for me.
2. Do better in my classes: I didn't have the best study habit in CEGEP, and I kind of kept that going for my first semester in Uni, but I'm hoping I can kick that habit and get myself to focus in my classes and come home and take extra notes and listen to lecture recordings, cause I have to admit,. no matter how much I can't focus on them when I'm listening to them at home, they help in the long run! I also want to get studying done before midterms and finals hit, cause that would be a load off my back and might allow me to get some gym time as well.
3. Get a lab job:  Now this one is because I am an undecided science student that is not looking at medical school in her future. I'm not looking into med school for a lot of personal reasons, one of them being that not being able to help some patients no matter how much I want to will kill me every time because I feel guilty really easily. So my only other option (not my only, but a big option) is a lab job. I would like to know what it's like to work in a lab to see if that is the life I would like to set myself up for. I don't care if this is a paid internship or even just a volunteer opportunity, I think it would be really cool to see what my future can hold for me. And this is also a resolution I want to keep for the next 2 years, or at least till before I get my undergraduate degree.
4. Be more confident: I'm a pessimistic person and I would like to try to change that, even my a little. I know I've said I've been better at it, but it's still hard. And I understand that it's not always easy, but when my friends say something like "you look good today," I would like to believe that it's true. And maybe this will be easier when I get into shape, and maybe it won't make a difference. But I will try my best regardless.
5. Be more careful with my money: I'll admit I'm already very good with my money, I'm not going to spend every penny I have once I get it, and I have money set aside in a savings account and I also have money that is not in the savings, but that I refuse to touch no matter how much I want to spend the money. And I admit, I made quite a bit of money this summer (mostly cause I worked my ass off and my boss milked every last hour he could get out of me), but I still somehow end up spending most of it... I have about 1/3 of it left. I guess granted that I haven't been working for 2 months that is very impressive, but I don't plan on getting a job until next summer, so I have to start being a little more money smart and start only getting what I really need, or items that I know I will use all the time. I will have to start asking myself "How often am I going to use/wear this?" and obviously, like I always do, look for good deals.
6. Keep my close friends: This one I find may be the most important and maybe the hardest to keep for the year. Don't get me wrong, I want to make new friends as well cause there us nothing wrong with making your circle bigger, but I'm hoping that by this time next year I'll still be friends with ST, W, BB and Y (although we've been kind of getting distant lately). It will be hard cause I won't have classes with any of them next semester and out schedules aren't exactly hang out friendly (along with the insane work load our programs give us). But I hope that by this time next year we are all still as close as we are not (give or take a little on the closer or the not as close side). But I really wouldn't want to lose them anytime soon. They are the ones that keep me grounded and make sure I have a good time and make sure I don't over stress myself.

I think that's about it for my new years resolutions this year. Hopefully I will be able to keep at least one of them, well I'm hoping all, but we all know how long new years resolutions last :P

And I'm just going to add this here cause not much happened at the staff get together. We needed up being five people going out for a sushi supper. It was T, WL, LT, CL and myself. I thought it was going to be awkward since both T and WL don't talk much, but boy was I wrong, they talked and laugh the most I have ever seen them do either. I think LT might have felt the most awkward at the sinner, but he was always a little awkward :P But we all had a blast and we all laughed a lot and we ate so much sushi it was insane, the waiter even came back a few times to make sure that we were sure we wanted to order so much. But it was a blast and after a stressful time planning it, the supper itself definitely makes me want to plan something again. But remind me again why I am the one that plans staff parties?

P.s. The horse back riding was postponed and I couldn't make it on the new day, so no news there.

What are your resolutions?
-J

It's Snowmagedon!

Yes! I live in Montreal and we broke a record today, 45cm in less than 24hours! That is a lot a lot of snow! And yes, we had to dig ourselves out, at least I didn't have to drive on a day like today :P For those of you who did, you guys are brave souls! Anyone on the East coast that was hit with this storm and went out today. I decided today was a lazy day cause the snow just kept coming down! My mom, brothers and I shoveled twice today, and OMG, it is a workout! Both times we spent about an hour shoveling, and we didn't even shovel out a car! We just did stairs and driveway and it was a workout, I can feel my arms starting to get soar from the hard work! When the snow was all piled up, it was almost as high as I was! And I'm 5'5". But it was fun shoveling and seeing other people suffer through the same thing we were. It was a pretty insane day and I think my cousins from out of town are wishing that they were back in Toronto where the snow isn't as bad, I mean come one, they flip over 15cm, 15 is almost nothing to us Montrealers. Hopefully the city starts to clear the snow soon, cause this is crazy road conditions. The sidewalks around my house hasn't even been shoveled once by the city, everyone on my street is walking on the street and cars are driving in the opposite way.

I don't even want to go out the next few days cause I have had enough of snow, I kind of wish I took my friends offer and when to Florida with her and her family :( They have sun and nice weather (temperature wise). I miss the sun and the winter!

My next few days will be fun though :) So the snow will hopefully not be a bummer. I'll be bumming around tomorrow again and then I will be spending the day with ST on Saturday, then going out for sushi with my co-workers. Although a few of the people I wanted to see won't be making it :( MD just said he won't be able to make it and that kind of bummed be out cause I haven't seen him for such a long time. I don't know if his sister will make it since he isn't coming and I miss her too! But L, WL, LT and newly introduced CL will be able to make it :D BD  won't becoming since she was making a big deal out of everything and everyone took my side, which means that she's mad at me. So it she doesn't come G won't come, but I don't even care cause I like everyone that is coming :P

Then Sunday, H asked a bunch of us to go horseback riding. Yes in the middle of winter :p Among the invitees are ST and Y, so even thought it's going to be freezing, I'm sure we're going to have an awesome time :) And I have never gone horseback riding, well I have when I was 5 or 6, but it was on a school field trip, so there was a guy guiding the horse and it was only for about 5 minutes. I don't know if I should be scared or excited about this trip... maybe both?

I will tell you how these events go, if they turn out to be eventful :P

-J