Will It Ever Happen?

Hey guys,

Lately I've been feeling bummed about quite a bunch of things, which really doesn't make sense because I am doing great in school so far (generally I only pick myself up  around finals and do really well then). My friends are all there supporting me and I'm not fighting with any of them, I finished all my midterms and I'm just waiting for spring break to roll around.... There's really no reason for me to feel so down.

But lately, I have been wondering if one day I will find my Prince Charming. I really don't know why I feel this way lately, it's not like any of my close friends just got into a relationship or got engaged or married or anything. On the contrary, the only relationship related things that have happened within my close circle is really something that should not be celebrated at all. But nonetheless, I still feel like I will be, in terms of a better term... Forever alone. I guess there is a combination of factors that are involved, and surprisingly, Valentine's Day wasn't one of the factors, I actually enjoyed seeing all the guys walk around with bouquets or roses and present, and seeing people get serenaded in public is always a bonus.

I guess it's cause lately I've been very subconscious about the way I look and the way I come across to guys. I've always been very conscious about the way I look, let's face it, I'm not skinny, nowhere close, I'm on the overweight side and I know it. I don't have good skin and I have white hair that I have to constantly dye, all of that doesn't exactly add up to confidence. I've tried eating healthier and results take time so it is not the easiest time, I have been changing and adding to my skin routine to see what works and it is helping, but when stress comes around, there is nothing that can help my skin. I've tried masks, mint teas, changing my facewash/toner/moisturizer and none of them really make a difference. I also try exercising, and I will admit that I am guilty of not being good at keeping with a workout routine. Although I did sign up for Color Me Rad... so I have to start training, and stat!

Now I know that a real guy will like you for what's on the inside and not what's on the outside, but it would be amazing to be able to feel comfortable in my skin and not be self conscious all the time about the way I look or if my skin is looking especially troll like that particular day.

It would also help if I had more male friends, but unfortunately most of my friends aren't into the whole let's get to know someone other than girls thing.... unless it's a guy from a bar that is, and that kind of limits the people I get to meet and the people I hang out with, especially when one of the friends I'm always with goes completely mute when I'm around some of my guy friends.... which doesn't make it pleasant for anyone.

I guess I'm at an age where people always ask if I'm dating and it is making me super self conscious. Or maybe it's because a lot of people I know are in a relationship, or are always going out on dates, and I can count the amount of times I have been on a date with one hand, well maybe 2, I don't even know, but it leads to some worrying.

And with friends that always somehow look amazing and are normal weight, and too many of my friends that are underweight, I just feel like it's hard to catch a guys attention when you have a little blob walking next to someone that looks like what society expects a girl to look like.

I also have a tendency to be too friendly with people, and for this reason, completely throw people into the friendzone without knowing it... there are just so many things with me that are wrong for building relationships with guys that sometimes I think I'll never find someone. Yes, I talk to guys a lot and I can joke around with them about stuff, but that is not the same as being interested in someone and it sure as hell doesn't mean that they will be interested in me. If only life where like that...

Anyways, I am sorry for this ridiculous rant that probably doesn't even make any sense, but it's on my mind for a while and it's been bumming me out so much,
-J

Visit from the Green Eyed Monster?

So as you guys know, I've been talking to H again. He's gone on a camping trip this weekend though, so no H for a little while. But that is not what I want to talk to you guys in this post.

I was telling H how I always get hurt at work, the exact same way, by scratching myself on a loose metal piece in one of our stores, this time it left a 3 inch long mark on my leg -.- I was telling him how every time I got hurt this way, F was always in the store. So I've pointed out that F is a cutie already. But H asked and I quote "Have a crush on him ;)?" and I answered I'm not sure, but that's he's cute nice and has really nice eyes. After my last comment, he stopped texting me, now it can be that he left for his trip or that he went to bed, but H never ever leaves me hanging, there is always a goodnight or a ttyl from him. So this might be me looking into things, but could it be that he got a visit from the green eyed monster called jealousy? Once again, I can't be certain, but if it is, is it really to be unexpected for me to like someone else when he rejected me and then goes awol for a month after school ends?

But no matter what I'm glad that H and I are talking again :) He's still concerned about my health and over all well being, he'll never change :)

-J

Summer Update

Hey guys!

I know, I know, it's been a while, but I've been at work, or catching up to my lack of sleep. But the summer is going by pretty well. I've been working about 4 days a week, hoping to bump that up to 5-6 days actually, and I went to the beach the other day and got sunburned :( Currently healing, ever so slowly and it also left a weird tan on my back because part of my back is tan, and part of it isn't. And no, I'm not stupid enough to cover half my back while tanning, I guess tanning is just not for me.

I've also been able to catch up on some reading, I've finished reading Pride & Prejudice (yes, i read it on my own free will). I've also finished Prom & Prejudice (a short of modern day version where marriage is prom). I started reading the Fifty Shades Trilogy (sorry ST, I just had to see what the hype was about), and I must say, the novel, being based on Twilight fan fiction is pretty good, even with all the BDSM present. It also runs parallel with Twilight, quite a bit. Okay maybe I'm looking to into the similarities, but they do have similar story lines to an extent. I'm currently reading Fifty Shades Darker, about half way through that, and I'm also about half way through a book called Micro by Michael Crichton. Micro is about 7 grad students who go to Hawaii to visit a new research facility and find themselves thrown into the rain forest having nothing to survive with but their knowledge nature. It's a pretty good book and so far, proving to be interesting, from my scientific point of view and my adventure reading point of view. It's a pretty good read and don't let the science intimidate you. I'm also half way through Game of Thrones (also a TV show). I know, I know "J, why can't you read one damned book at a time?" I just read a book, then get tempted by another book and start reading and then try to balance out my reading times for each book. Game of Thrones, although interesting, with it's plot twist and turns is taking a long time for me to read. I've had the book for a good 4 months now and I'm only half way through and I usually love reading Fantasy books, or maybe I lost my interest in them :P But yup, these are the books I'm reading at the moment. and I'm sorry for boring the crap out of you.

But let me get to something a little more interesting, I haven't been talking to H, but I have been texting with a guy, let me call him K a lot recently. I don't like him like him, but it's nice to talk to a guy once in a while :P We text till late in the night and he would text me while I'm at work as well. And I've been working with a cute guy, whom I will call, F. He's cute and super sweet and he's one of the guys at work that don't bully me :P Fingers crossed he's single, maybe? Still not sure if I'm into him or not.

And finally, because O asked for it, I miss you!! :P

Enjoy your summer!
-J