Uncertain Future

Hey guys,

So recently I've been thinking about my future, and right now what it looks like is a blank wall. I have no idea what I want to do in a few years. I have no idea if the field I'm in right now is what I want to do for the rest of my life or if it is just a waste of time. I know I'm not the only person in these shoes right now. I mean, we are pretty old and in a few years we will be independent (if we aren't already). And to be honest, it scares me that I don't know in what direction my life is taking me. I want to be able to say this is what I want to be and this is what I have to do to get there. I would love to just have something planned, even if it won't happen, just to know I have something to look forward to or to try to accomplish. Right now I feel like I'm just in limbo. I keep asking myself if I'm wasting time, or if I'm screwed for my future, or if I should be doing more of this or more of that.I really don't know what I want to be doing and lately just the uncertainty has been unmotivating me. I keep thinking "Why waste time on this if this isn't what I want to be doing for the rest of my life?"

I'm lucky that my parents aren't forcing me to become something, they let me become what I want to become, unless I want to be a hobo or a couch potato, they might have issues with that. But they don't expect me to be a doctor or a lawyer or anything else. My life is my decision. And am blessed to have parents who support me, despite the fact that they don't fully understand where my program will lead me to in the future. They just want me and my brothers to have a good education and to at least have a degree in something, whether it be a trade, college or undergraduate degree.

I have to admit that sometimes I envy the people that know what they want to become and go for it and some are very successful, which brings me why I said that I envy them sometimes. There are the people who know what they want to become and go for it, and most are happy, some are unhappy but do it anyways because they want to or because they feel pressured to. But there are some that are set in becoming something then get lost on the way there and when they are lost they are helpless, they feel like they have nothing left and that all that is left in their lives is nothing, that they won't be able to accomplish anything because that one opportunity is cut off. But it is simply untrue, we are always exposed to opportunities and it is up to us to seize them and to be able to make something out of them. In the last year I've noticed that a lot of people don't seize the opportunities given to them because they feel like it won't lead them anywhere. But how would they know without attempting? We never know what we like and don't like until we have tried it, only then can we truly know if something is for us or if it isn't.

Some people, myself included, have opportunities that come to them, but realize that they are at the wrong time in their lives or that they are unrelated to what we truly want to do in our lives. This helps because it gives you a sense of whether or not you are in the right directions. But in my case it has confused em even more than not having the opportunity. You get to see the good and the bad in the different opportunities that are given to you, if you chose to take them. And sometimes, you can't tell the difference between the good and the bad. And sometimes, the good and bad aren't simply black and white, but a big grey mess.

I've never know what I wanted to be, my answers have been changing so much over the years, like a lot of other people. It has gone from teaching, to writing, to acting, to pharmacist, to photographer, to researcher, to ophthalmologist... but I am never sure, I always have doubts. And it makes it hard with school too, when your  grades aren't good enough or when you love somethings but have a lot of other things in your classes. When do the positives outweigh the negatives?

I'm 20, soon to be 21 and I am scared that I don't know what I want to be doing 10 years from now. I wish that I would at least have an idea, even just a little one. But I feel like I don't have that many opportunities due to my grades and my experience. All I know is that I want to be able to help people and interact with people. I want to be able to put a smile on people's faces and know that I'm doing something positive in their lives. But to be able to do that, I feel like I would have to make myself happy first. I feel like I need to find myself, I need to be able to comfortable in my own skin and I have to be able to know what I'm good at and what I'm bad at and to be honest (and this is sad to say), I have no clue what I'm good and bad at.

I want to take a year off and travel to try to find myself and to find something that will truly inspire me, but I don't have the money for that, and what if I do take a year off and nothing happens and I figure nothing out and I just end up back in the cycle that I was in before and I would still be unhappy and uncertain, but I would also be unhappy at myself for wasting a year.

I think one of my main problems is that I have too many doubts. I keep doubting my own abilities and I have a feeling that at the end of the day that might be what is cutting off my opportunities. I will try to change that, but it is just so hard when you're trying to figure your future out but you just keep coming up with a blank wall :(

I seriously need some time to myself to just figure out my whole entire life, maybe not my whole entire life, but like the not so distant future. Right now I'm considering so many things, like graduate programs, or doing a technical degree, or trying to find a job with the undergraduate degree that I am currently trying to finish. My dream job would be to own a cafe and just make pastries and serve people coffee and put a smile on customers faces for a while, but there are so many holes in that idea. My second dream job would to be a novelist, I love coming up with ideas and imagining them coming to life, I also love getting lost in my own little world. Believe it or not, this little scientist has a creative side :P Or I would love to own an online business or just get paid to travel and explore places. But until I find that something I want to be, I'll be continuing my uncertain undergrad and hoping that something positive will come out of it.

Hoping your futures look brighter than mine,
-J