Will It Ever Happen?

Hey guys,

Lately I've been feeling bummed about quite a bunch of things, which really doesn't make sense because I am doing great in school so far (generally I only pick myself up  around finals and do really well then). My friends are all there supporting me and I'm not fighting with any of them, I finished all my midterms and I'm just waiting for spring break to roll around.... There's really no reason for me to feel so down.

But lately, I have been wondering if one day I will find my Prince Charming. I really don't know why I feel this way lately, it's not like any of my close friends just got into a relationship or got engaged or married or anything. On the contrary, the only relationship related things that have happened within my close circle is really something that should not be celebrated at all. But nonetheless, I still feel like I will be, in terms of a better term... Forever alone. I guess there is a combination of factors that are involved, and surprisingly, Valentine's Day wasn't one of the factors, I actually enjoyed seeing all the guys walk around with bouquets or roses and present, and seeing people get serenaded in public is always a bonus.

I guess it's cause lately I've been very subconscious about the way I look and the way I come across to guys. I've always been very conscious about the way I look, let's face it, I'm not skinny, nowhere close, I'm on the overweight side and I know it. I don't have good skin and I have white hair that I have to constantly dye, all of that doesn't exactly add up to confidence. I've tried eating healthier and results take time so it is not the easiest time, I have been changing and adding to my skin routine to see what works and it is helping, but when stress comes around, there is nothing that can help my skin. I've tried masks, mint teas, changing my facewash/toner/moisturizer and none of them really make a difference. I also try exercising, and I will admit that I am guilty of not being good at keeping with a workout routine. Although I did sign up for Color Me Rad... so I have to start training, and stat!

Now I know that a real guy will like you for what's on the inside and not what's on the outside, but it would be amazing to be able to feel comfortable in my skin and not be self conscious all the time about the way I look or if my skin is looking especially troll like that particular day.

It would also help if I had more male friends, but unfortunately most of my friends aren't into the whole let's get to know someone other than girls thing.... unless it's a guy from a bar that is, and that kind of limits the people I get to meet and the people I hang out with, especially when one of the friends I'm always with goes completely mute when I'm around some of my guy friends.... which doesn't make it pleasant for anyone.

I guess I'm at an age where people always ask if I'm dating and it is making me super self conscious. Or maybe it's because a lot of people I know are in a relationship, or are always going out on dates, and I can count the amount of times I have been on a date with one hand, well maybe 2, I don't even know, but it leads to some worrying.

And with friends that always somehow look amazing and are normal weight, and too many of my friends that are underweight, I just feel like it's hard to catch a guys attention when you have a little blob walking next to someone that looks like what society expects a girl to look like.

I also have a tendency to be too friendly with people, and for this reason, completely throw people into the friendzone without knowing it... there are just so many things with me that are wrong for building relationships with guys that sometimes I think I'll never find someone. Yes, I talk to guys a lot and I can joke around with them about stuff, but that is not the same as being interested in someone and it sure as hell doesn't mean that they will be interested in me. If only life where like that...

Anyways, I am sorry for this ridiculous rant that probably doesn't even make any sense, but it's on my mind for a while and it's been bumming me out so much,
-J