This blog is going to be used to tell some real life stories, and real life issues I might be having. Some of the thoughts may be dark at times, but that's thoughts right? They are random, and don't define us at 100%.
The contents of this work is something I wrote a few days ago, but the letters that represent people have been changed to conceal the identity of the people I'm writing about,both for them, and so I don't get my ass kicked when they read something bad about themselves. It might get confusing, but it's a rant I had to get out, so here it is:
Do you know what it’s like? To feel alone, isolated? To feel like you have nothing even though you have everything?
I’m not saying I have everything; no I’m not even close. I’m just a clueless 18 year old girl, trying to do everything right, and somehow surviving in this place. I’m nothing special, average looking, maybe slightly overweight, brown eyes and hair. There is nothing noticeably wowing about me. I’m just the ordinary girl next door type of gal. I’m not the smartest, prettiest or the loudest girl around. I’m just me, trying to get by life without having anything too major happen to me. But lately, I feel like everything is happening to me. I haven’t “liked” a guy since the whole Thing with D, and to be honest, I wasn’t really looking around after that. It was such a big betrayal; I felt like I would never really like a guy again, not that I’m lesbian or anything like that. But recently, I think that I may be falling for someone again, and the thought of it scares me, not just a little bit, but a lot. My friends are happy for me. But I can’t help but feel more alone than I have for a long time.
This guy, he’s nice, smart, considerate, kind, joyful, he makes me smile a lot, knows what to say to make me happy... seems like the perfect guy right? Well maybe not, I’ve made this mistake so many times before. I don’t think it’s a mistake, but judging from my past history of relationship (which is non-existent) it may as well be. I always get close to the guys I like; they become a sort of a best friend, a safety rock of sorts. And every time, I just set myself up for disappointment. Like with U, we were best friends, even more than best friends, he was like a brother, but I didn’t just like him like a brother. I truly loved him, and he was my first love. We spent almost all of our time together and we never thought much about it, it was just right to us. I liked him for a lot longer than he liked me, but nothing ever happened, because we were best friends and things would have just been weird. But I ended up losing him, and it seems like he never looked back on what happened. I feel like I’m the only one that still cares about what we used to have, compared to the nothing we have left now. Sometimes I wish I could just rewind time and spend those carefree days with him, just sitting in each other’s company and not doing anything, just enjoying each other’s presence. I know this might sound weird, I mean who wants to just spend time with someone from their past? But I do, I miss him so much. He used to be the one I told everything to, the one I was not afraid to be myself around, the one that I could trust with any secret I had. But I lost him, and I don’t think I’ve trusted anyone else quite the same since. I have to admit not even some of my closest friends.
Even with my closest and dearest friends, I don’t tell them everything, and this is because of one person, BF. She was one of my best friends in high school, and she betrayed me, this has to do with D, and the whole thing may be blown out of proportion by me, but come on, I’m a girl that got back stabbed, and by a best friend to say the least, I think I have the right to freak about it. So what happened was I was crushing on D, now that I think about It, I wasn’t crushing on him that bad, but enough to feel pretty attached to him. And my best friend BF knew I was crushing on him. You see she was dating someone at the time, but I knew that she was always looking around, always trying o find a new guy to play around with. And she decided to hook up with D, when she knew that I liked him, and him? Ohh, he knew I liked him and he knew that I was best friends with BF, and he still chose to do this to us. Yes, I can easily put all the blame on him and leave it at that, but life would not stop there, I also found out that she had never broken up with her old boy friend although she had told me that she had. And to be honest, I don’t even know how I forgave her after this incident, I mean all she had to do was say no. It’s really not that hard. But she was a bitch and I was the idiot that forgave her for what she did. I can’t say I really ever forgave her, because I’ve hated her for a while now. But until recently, I still tolerated her, but now I really just can’t anymore, just seeing her pisses me off. So I’ve decided to terminate that friendship, because it’s a friendship I would rather not have to deal with right now.
It’s hard for me to end friendships, I have an attachment issue. I never want to give up on someone I care about. It’s one of the hardest things for me to do. I cry when I know I’m about to lose a friend, or when I actually do lose a friend. I know I may not seem like I care if certain people are still my friends or not, but I do. I still think about U all the time and D as well and maybe even a little bit of another crush E. It’s hard when one day this person is always with you, you think on the same link and the next day they are gone. This brings me to another dear friend of mine T. She was a really good friend of mine, we met in High School and we were friends for the longest time, we had so many things in common with each other, we liked the same things, did the same things, we even had matching clothes sometimes. We were able to finish each other’s sentences and we knew exactly what the other person was thinking. But we got into fights the last year of High School, and ever since then we haven’t been as close. She got close to my friend M, and nothing has been the same ever since, we started to drift further and further apart. I don’t even talk to her anymore. I don’t know anything about her anymore either, I didn’t know she had a crush on anyone, I didn’t know about her boyfriend, I had no idea what was going through her head. It was like we were strangers. And I miss her so much, I feel like she was a sister I never had, and now she’s gone and all I have are memories. And once again, I wonder if she ever thinks about me, or of the times we had together, the laughs, the tears, the fights... any of it.
M, she is a whole different story. She’s nice and sweet, but she can also be a two face. She would tell you one thing and turn around and say something totally different. What I liked about her is that she was honest and when she was your friend, she was really your friend, she would help you out all the time, back you up if you needed it, lend an ear, the whole works. But we had our fights, and she knows how to hold a grudge. I got her mad a lot and we had our ins and outs. But I feel like she was sister as well, I told her a lot and she would tell me lots too. We would spend hours on the phone and hours out as well. But she was always distant at some points, like she no longer wanted to be friends, but then once you had enough time to notice, she would be back at your side, helping you out and acting as if nothing had happened. But you know that something has happened. I feel like she just used me when she had no one else around to be with, like I was a substitute friend or something. Like I never really meant much to her and she could just walk in and out of my life as she pleased. But I know that deep down, she does consider me as a friend and she does worry about me sometimes. She did take one of my best friends, CC from me though.
CC and I have been friends since we were in grade 1, we go way back. We were best friends in grade 1, and then reunited in grade 4, and have been fiends ever since then. To say that M took her from me is unfair, they are really good friends and they did met without my help, but sometimes it feels like it, cause M is Asian like I am, I feel like I just kind of got replaced. But CC is super sweet and naive, but she has also changed into a person I don’t know that well anymore. I don’t mean to sound like I’m judging her, but she lost her virginity before the age of 18, she’s smoking pot and she’s drinking a lot. I feel like I don’t know her anymore... Based on what you’re read so far, it seems like I do nothing but lose friends, and hey maybe that’s what I do with my life without realizing it.
But, I know I have really good friends like BB, W and O. I can rely on them for almost everything. They are always there for me. The help me with issues with guys, they don’t judge me unless it’s jokingly, but each of them do have their faults, just like everyone else. BB is sort of the clueless one of the group. She’s really funny, but when you need advice, she’s not the best person to get it from; her responses are basically “lol”, “ohh” and “ahh”. But she is a really sweet girl that’s willing to help you no matter what. I feel somewhat protective of her, and I always hope nothing bad happens to her. I admire her for her strength, I feel like she’s been through so much, and she still comes across confident and proud of who she is. Then there is W, she’s super smart and super pretty, although she doesn’t admit to it. But she’s really smart and once her mind is set, it won’t change. She’s BB’s best friend. I feel like she doesn’t tell me much, but that’s just how she is. Lately I feel like she’s been mad at me though, but I don’t know what I might have done wrong. But we will get over it, I’m confident about that. And then there is O, she is smart as well, not as pretty as W, but still pretty. She has a boy friend and she’s got the brains. She seems like life is so perfect for her, like she’s got everything figured out for her life, and she seems so carefree about it all. I’m running around like a chicken that’s lost its head and she’s got her head on tight. I’m jealous of her cause of that. I feel like I’m stuck in my life, not knowing where I’m going to go, and not knowing where I have to go.
That’s another problem with me. I never know what I want in life. I do one thing, never finish and I would switch, never finishing what I intended. This brings me to the guy I’m currently crushing on. I like him, but I’m not sure if I like like him. The thing is we don’t know each other that well, sure we tell each other a lot of personal things, but other than that, I feel like I barely got to know him, and I’m the type of girl to like a guy because I know him very well. He seems to be the exception. Wait let me give him a name, he’s H. So H is a really nice guy, he’s smart, he’s decided, humble, genuine, sweet, a romantic, a joker, carefree, all the good qualities you look for in a guy. I haven’t found a fault in him other than him being hung over his ex, but I mean he has the right to be after dating her for three and a half years. The things about him is that he’s always flirting with me, calling me a star, complimenting my personality, telling me I’m pretty, I’m cute and that I’m a catch and any guy that lets me go is a fool. And I feel like he likes me too, but I’m not sure, because he also just got over a crush (a girl I really didn’t like by the way). But I feel like with him, I can never be too sure. I really do hope he likes me, and just writing this is getting my heartbeat up. But regardless of if he likes me back or not, I like him, and I think I just kind of made it official to myself these past two days. My friends have seen something between us, well; they also saw something between me and this other guy SB, but he’s a story for the next paragraph. With H, I feel like I can almost tell him everything, and he will guard my secrets. Maybe that’s why I’ve told him so many of the things that are bothering me. But I also like spending time with him, just being around him calms me, and I like talking to him once in a while, and he knows how to cheer me up and make me laugh and make me feel confident about myself. And like I said before, he flirts with me, and he makes me feel special. And I think that’s why I like him; he knows how to make me feel special compared to others, even with my lack of confidence. And I kind of knew I liked him the day I found out about his previous crush, it made me really sad and I wanted to cry. I didn’t really understand it at that point because it didn’t really occur to me that I liked him, but I think that was my first hint. And when I found out he no longer liked her, I was just so happy. There are things that I can’t explain, and I feel like our connection is one of them, how we just trust each other so much, without really knowing one another. But I’m afraid that if I do something stupid, I’m going to lose him as a friend, and I really don’t want that to happen. He’s a good friend, and the connection I have with him, that connection with a guy, I haven’t felt for a long time, well since U actually, and this might be a different feeling all together. But I definitely know I like him. And whether he feels the same or not, I just want to keep spending time with him.
Then comes SB, that connection with H, I was talking about before. Well I have one with SB as well. We just met about 3 months ago, and I feel super comfortable around him. Yes, three months may seem like a lot of time, but trust me; it was about 2 months of “hi, how are you?” and walking away, not three months of being best friends. But we did become friends really quickly, and from what I gather about SB, he is very shy around people he’s just met. He would be real quiet and just sit and stare, but around me, we seemed to start talking once we actually got together and sat in the same place. And I know we have some sort of unexplained connection, because I don’t usually feel this comfortable around people this easily either. But with him I do, not as comfortable as around H, but comfortable enough to be the real me around him. And I like spending time with him too. He’s nice and sweet, although a tad childish, but I like it. But as I’m realising now, I’m not crushing on him like I thought I’ve been before. He’s just a good friend that I like being around. Not to mention helpful around exam time. But he is one person I would like to continue to get to know and build a strong friendship with.
The thing with SB and H is that they are best friends and they are almost always together. I never get SB without H, but I do get H without SB. I know weird and confusing, but that’s not the point I’m trying to make. The point is, they talk about me. I would tell one person something (non personal) and the other person would know within the next 24 hours. It’s like they were girls, like what I do with my friends when I’m talking to a guy. I would give them snippets of my conversations with them. That’s what I feel like H and SB are doing. And this lead people I tell (including my mom) that one of them likes me. But I’m not sure which, because I don’t know either that well. SB did offer me to sit on his lap, but maybe that was a moment thing, and he did come to my birthday although he was pretty sick. And H is always asking me who I like and sometimes asking if it’s SB. But then this lead me and others to believe that a) SB may like me and wants H to find out or b) H likes me and want to know who I like. It’s complicated with them... but life is what it is, and if anything happens with either of them, I think I would go for it.
-J
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