What is a Girl to Do?

What is a girl supposed to do when the guy she likes asks her who she likes? Obvious answer may be to tell him who you really do like, right? Or is it to play it cool and pretend it's someone else?  Well regardless of what a girl is to do, it's an awkward situation to be stuck in. It's not something most people like to be in, because a) it makes you wonder why they're asking, b) if you're not ready to tell, you have no way of replying properly, and c) that means they think they know who you have a crush on. All of these situations might play together, or maybe one of them applies to you, but I can tell you from experience, it's not easy to get out of if you don't have the guts to tell they guy how you feel about them.

You see this is what happens to me, I get into really deep conversations with H, and these conversations always make me think really hard on how he might feel about me. Cause he may compliment me on a lot of things and he might bring my mood up, and occasionally flirt with me, but that's only my side of the story. I have NO idea how he might actually feel about me. I'm going on guesses and feelings and hope. If you've been reading all of my posts, you know that I like H and that we have our little moments at times, but last night we were talking about our celebrity crushes, and when I named Patrick Chan, he instantly thought about AA, and he told me that there are figure skaters in our school and that I don't have to think about someone I don't know. This bothered me, so I replied "He's not my type," and oddly enough he said that he had a feeling. Then went on to ask me what my type was. I answered, and right after answering, I knew that I had somehow described him, and I wondered if he knew. But then we talked about how we have the tendency to fall for friends. He called me both smart on dumb on that part, bu then admitted that he is the same. Maybe one day I should ask him who he likes :P , that would be a hell of a fun time... or would it? I guess it depends on the answer I would get from him.

But I do know that I'm special to him, whether it be as someone of interest or simply as a friend. He has told me on multiple occasions that I am irreplaceable to him, that it is not the same when I am not around, and that if the island of Montreal sank like Atlantis, that he would try his hardest to save me (even though we live about an hour away from each other by car with no traffic), along with other little things as well. Today I also went to W's Anatomy class, which H is part of, and instead of sitting with SB (which I think is his best friend) he came and sat with W and me instead.

I've decided to give this quote a try "When a guy likes you... he'll text you a lot, stay up every night with you, compliment you, and always have time for you." (x) I've done 2 test runs, I decided I would no text him or be the first to start a conversation with him on Skype. The first time didn't work out, cause we made plans and I ended up cancelling them, so I had to tell him somehow, so I texted him. The second time worked out pretty well, I didn't text or talk to him all of Friday and Saturday along with most of Sunday. He ended up messaging me last night, and that is how this post came to be. He messaged me simply to see how I was, and we ended up talking about anything and everything. And if this quote hold true, it means he likes me. Well I can hope right? He does text me a lot though, even when we have nothing to talk about, we stay up on Skype talking about nothing, he always compliments me somehow and he always finds time to help me out or hang out with me when I ask.

Though it looks like I am the only on that makes plans, at least I know he makes an effort to tlak to me when I don't :P

-J

Is it all in the Mind?

Hey guys, so I've been thinking about this for a while... Is love simply something made up in our minds? Now before you get upset and say, why am I reading this bull, let me just state that I do believe that we all have that special someone out there who's the perfect match for us, and all we have to do is find each other. But based on my past with guys (that barely exists), I have to wonder if that special someone will ever find me. I  mean, I feel like I'm a lost cause, like someone who is meant to live their life alone and never find true love.

And as that lonely person, I have to wonder if I really do have a shot with anyone. I truly want to believe that we all have a better half out there waiting to find us, but what if we never find each other, I mean there are 6 billion people on the earth, what are the chances that we would find each other? 1 in a billion, i have a better chance winning the lottery right?

I do wish that that invisible red string that hold two people meant to be together, the one that gets tangled but never cut, is visible to us. I mean wouldn't life be a million times simpler if we all didn't have to worry about the guy we like liking us back, or who we will end up with? That would be a weight off our shoulders right? Well maybe not, cause we are never truly satisfied with what we have. We always want more, so what happens if we find that one person, and we don't like the way they look? The way they smell? And I know, I'm just taking something totally happy and breaking it into a million and one pieces in front of your eyes, but doesn't anyone ever wonder about this? I mean, isn't part of the excitement of falling in love the journey? Getting to know the person, falling for them, and finally the effort you put into to see if they feel the same way about you?

Wouldn't all the magic of love disappear if we never got to, excuse my term, but chase after the one that we love? Where would the fun be in knowing exactly who we were going to be with for the rest of our lives? Now don't get me wrong, I'm not hating on arranged marriages, they are fine in my book, because so many of the people end up being happy, just like my grandparents are.

But all in all, i guess I'm just depressed that I don't have anyone in my life at the moment :P Feel free to tell me how you feel about this.

-J

Decisions, decisions....

Hey guys, so I've been thinking about who I like the past few days and letting things play out, and I can honestly tell you it has no been easy. I haven't seen SB for over a week, but the thing is, I don't miss him. Maybe it's cause we were never that close, but I don't think about him all the time. I don't even get the urge to text him... Maybe I never liked him in the first place and it was just cause he was cute :)

I can say that the guy I like is H, he's been on my mind a lot. I keep thinking of him, getting the urge to text him whenever I can, make plans to hang out with him (do I sound annoying?). I mean he's just so sweet to me all the time, and he's willing to listen to my problems and everything. I think that's why I like him. He's willing to accept me for, well me. He doesn't judge me, he's just so nice . No matter what I do that may sound stupid, he doesn't judge, he gives his insight on the subject, but I know that he isn't judging me while he's saying whatever it is he's saying. And what people about that one person who can make you smile no matter what, well for me, at this moment, he's that guy. When I'm talking to him, when I see him, when I text him, I can't help but smile. Out conversations always leads to me laughing, and my mood lifting.

The only thing is, I don't know how he feels about me. I mean I feel like he likes me, but then I doubt myself and ask "Why would he like me out of all people?" I know I may sound like I'm exaggerating, but that question seriously pops into my head. He's smart, nice, kindhearted, childish, a joker, a sweetheart, a good listener, patient, understanding, and a million other good qualities, I'm not kidding, I'm not blinded by love, I've noticed this from before I started liking him. And as an added bonus, he knows how to play the guitar, sing and cook! Everything you want in a guy, wrapped up in him!

I really want to know how he feels about me though, I want to know if he ever thinks of me the same way as I do. I want to know if he thinks of me as often as I think of him. I want to know if I even have a shot in him, is he even interested in me? But what am I supposed to think when he's so nice to me, and is willing to listen to listen to all my problems without complaining about it. Who tells me I'm pretty and that I'm a star and that any guy would be lucky to have me. Someone who is willing to tell me everything they know about love and how they feel about their past relationships? How can I not like someone that is so open with me, and lets me in (when he told me that he has told no one else about how he feels).

But then again, it might just be me. Because he does ask who I like. Maybe because he's interested and wants to know if he's got competition, or maybe cause he just cares and doesn't want to see me get hurt. Whatever the matter, I just know that I like him, and I wish I had the courage to tell him how I feel and not be afraid to get rejected and have a guarantee that no matter what the outcome, we will still be friends...

-J

What Is Love?

What is it about love that makes us want it so bad? What id it about love that makes us want to be loved and be in love? Is it the fact that we feel special in someones eyes? The fact that we feel like we are always happy and nothing can go wrong? That perfect feeling we have when we're with that one special person? But when it comes down to it, what is love?

Different people would probably give different answers, some people might answer "love is a feeling", whole others will say "it's a connection between two people". But is love really that simple? Can it even be described? Well, I don't think so, but I might as well give it a shot right? What the heck, what do I have to lose? So here goes nothing...

I think love is a connection between two people, but it's deeper than that. It's this familiar feeling you have with someone even though you just met. It's that comforting feeling you have when you're around someone, that warm feeling you get in your chest and those butterflies you can't help but feel in your stomach. It's that sense of being totally protected when that person is in your presence, that feeling that no matter what happens, they will be able to protect you from it. The secret smiles, all the little things, hugs, smiles, laughs, jokes, gifts, being there for you. That's what love is made of, the willingness to be with someone no matter what because you see the good in them, and they see the same in you. That connection you have that is stronger than racism, stereotypes, skepticism, judgement and sometimes common sense. It's being with someone, physically or emotionally. It's that shoulder to cry on, to lean on. That face that makes you smile from across the room, or even that picture you stare at until you fall asleep. In my head, that's what love is. It's not a sacrifice, not a pain (well okay sometimes), not an obligation... Love is natural, sweet, and unexpected. You find love when you least expect it, and that's what's so wonderful about it.

Well that's what I have to say about love. Can you tell that I'm falling for someone? Maybe you can, maybe you can't. All I know is I can't get someone off my mind... and well this is part of what I feel for them.

-J

Coincidence?

So this morning, I had a dream about SB and H. And I am fully aware that I might be blowing things out of proportion, but what else is a girl to do between her studying for classes, homework and thinking about boys? That's right, I go crazy overboard thinking about the boys I like.

So in this dream, I was out with a bunch of friends, that SB and H were also part of. We were going to Fête des Neiges, which is currently underway in Montreal. We were walking around from igloo to igloo, and we were all fooling around, taking pictures. Then suddenly as dreams always are, we ended up in a convenience store, where everyone was buying things. I ended up with SB, and we were walking around with our arms linked. We ended up in my car, our arms still linked, my head resting on his shoulder, and as I was about to remove my head from his shoulder, he pulled me back to him. He was so warm and comforting. Then, we noticed H leaving us in another car (Coincidence that he would just leave? Maybe not, but it's not like him in real life, but then again it is just a dream). But after H, left and everyone else joined us in the car. SB and I were sitting next to eat other and he ended up holding my hand! :) You guys might be thinking I'm freaking out over nothing, but the thing is I though I was loosing interest in SB, but then I have a dream about him, and it's a cute one. Dreams like this always mess me up a little, because even though they are dreams, they reflect my subconsciousness . If I had a dream about him, it means that I still think about him subconsciously. Which gets me really confused and annoyed, especially when I have to focus on school.

But I still haven't gotten to the part that is the biggest coincidence for me yet. I didn't finish this dream, the dream was interrupted, by who other than H, and this is real life H, not the dream version of him. Now what I want to know is, is this just a coincidence and I'm over thinking every single little detail about out of everything possible, a dream, or is it a message that I like SB, but H is what's keeping us apart? Or is it telling me that H is the one I want to be with, so I should stop thinking about SB? I'm really lost on this one, so thoughts anyone?

-J

Introducing AA

Hey guys, I know my last post was a very lengthy one, and I apologize for that. That post actually came to me in the middle of the night one day and I just had to get everything out. Maybe I'm my own psychiatrist (How does that make you feel?). Joking aside, I would recommend we all do that from time to time. It really helps get some stress off my shoulders and give me a more positive outlook on life, maybe because I was being honest, maybe because even though I didn't like many people, I also found the good from my relationships from them. I'm short, I'm telling you guys to start keeping journals... Is that weird?

Anyways, this post is to introduce you guy to someone new I'll be talking about from time to time. If you read my last post, you'll know about H and SB, now I'm going to introduce you to AA. Now AA is also a guy, but I'm not crushing on him (or so I think, for the moment). With AA, it's a little complicated because we are good friends, but his ex-girlfriend seems to have something against me (not that AA notices), but it bothers me. And H and SB don't like being around him. What is a girl to do when her friends just don't get along? Well, I somehow manage and not piss anyone off. But AA is a very special person (not to me), he's the type of person that doesn't trust others very easily. But somehow he considers me a close friend, despite the fact that we don't know each other very well. We met in March of last year and we easily became friends. He helped me study for exams and offered to calm me down before exams and tests (even if his girlfriend, currently his ex, was also freaking out). But there are also things that annoy be about AA, and although he doesn't do these things to me, it bothers me that it's in him.

You see, he's a very smart man (well at this point, all of my friends are), and he knows it. So he brags. But his bragging is to an extreme, where no one around him wants to hear it or wants to tolerate it. But one of the things that led me to having a crush on him a while ago was the fact that he doesn't brag about things to me. We simply ask each other how we did (with the occasional actual numerical grade), and he encourages me, telling me that I've done a great job. But with others, it's a whole other story, he would rub it in their faces and make them feel inferior to him. But there is only so much I can do about how he treats others.

This is a bye bye for now. Here's hoping that I have something a little more interesting next post.

-J

Opening Thoughts

 It took me a while to figure out what I wanted to post as my first post on this blog. I wanted it to be a preview of what sort of posts can be expected from my blog. So after a while of thought, I thought, why not use the work that inspired the title of this blog, "Nothing but Words and Letters". I thought it would be a good idea, since this is the kind of thing I will be posting, although not as lengthy.

This blog is going to be used to tell some real life stories, and real life issues I might be having. Some of the thoughts may be dark at times, but that's thoughts right? They are random, and don't define us at 100%.

The contents of this work is something I wrote a few days ago, but the letters that represent people have been changed to conceal the identity of the people I'm writing about,both for them, and so I don't get my ass kicked when they read something bad about themselves. It might get confusing, but it's a rant I had to get out, so here it is:

Do you know what it’s like? To feel alone, isolated? To feel like you have nothing even though you have everything?

I’m not saying I have everything; no I’m not even close. I’m just a clueless 18 year old girl, trying to do everything right, and somehow surviving in this place. I’m nothing special, average looking, maybe slightly overweight, brown eyes and hair. There is nothing noticeably wowing about me. I’m just the ordinary girl next door type of gal. I’m not the smartest, prettiest or the loudest girl around. I’m just me, trying to get by life without having anything too major happen to me. But lately, I feel like everything is happening to me. I haven’t “liked” a guy since the whole Thing with D, and to be honest, I wasn’t really looking around after that. It was such a big betrayal; I felt like I would never really like a guy again, not that I’m lesbian or anything like that. But recently, I think that I may be falling for someone again, and the thought of it scares me, not just a little bit, but a lot. My friends are happy for me. But I can’t help but feel more alone than I have for a long time.

This guy, he’s nice, smart, considerate, kind, joyful, he makes me smile a lot, knows what to say to make me happy... seems like the perfect guy right? Well maybe not, I’ve made this mistake so many times before. I don’t think it’s a mistake, but judging from my past history of relationship (which is non-existent) it may as well be. I always get close to the guys I like; they become a sort of a best friend, a safety rock of sorts. And every time, I just set myself up for disappointment. Like with U, we were best friends, even more than best friends, he was like a brother, but I didn’t just like him like a brother. I truly loved him, and he was my first love. We spent almost all of our time together and we never thought much about it, it was just right to us. I liked him for a lot longer than he liked me, but nothing ever happened, because we were best friends and things would have just been weird. But I ended up losing him, and it seems like he never looked back on what happened. I feel like I’m the only one that still cares about what we used to have, compared to the nothing we have left now. Sometimes I wish I could just rewind time and spend those carefree days with him, just sitting in each other’s company and not doing anything, just enjoying each other’s presence. I know this might sound weird, I mean who wants to just spend time with someone from their past? But I do, I miss him so much. He used to be the one I told everything to, the one I was not afraid to be myself around, the one that I could trust with any secret I had. But I lost him, and I don’t think I’ve trusted anyone else quite the same since. I have to admit not even some of my closest friends.

Even with my closest and dearest friends, I don’t tell them everything, and this is because of one person, BF. She was one of my best friends in high school, and she betrayed me, this has to do with D, and the whole thing may be blown out of proportion by me, but come on, I’m a girl that got back stabbed, and by a best friend to say the least, I think I have the right to freak about it. So what happened was I was crushing on D, now that I think about It, I wasn’t crushing on him that bad, but enough to feel pretty attached to him. And my best friend BF knew I was crushing on him. You see she was dating someone at the time, but I knew that she was always looking around, always trying o find a new guy to play around with. And she decided to hook up with D, when she knew that I liked him, and him? Ohh, he knew I liked him and he knew that I was best friends with BF, and he still chose to do this to us. Yes, I can easily put all the blame on him and leave it at that, but life would not stop there, I also found out that she had never broken up with her old boy friend although she had told me that she had. And to be honest, I don’t even know how I forgave her after this incident, I mean all she had to do was say no. It’s really not that hard. But she was a bitch and I was the idiot that forgave her for what she did. I can’t say I really ever forgave her, because I’ve hated her for a while now. But until recently, I still tolerated her, but now I really just can’t anymore, just seeing her pisses me off. So I’ve decided to terminate that friendship, because it’s a friendship I would rather not have to deal with right now.

It’s hard for me to end friendships, I have an attachment issue. I never want to give up on someone I care about. It’s one of the hardest things for me to do. I cry when I know I’m about to lose a friend, or when I actually do lose a friend. I know I may not seem like I care if certain people are still my friends or not, but I do. I still think about U all the time and D as well and maybe even a little bit of another crush E. It’s hard when one day this person is always with you, you think on the same link and the next day they are gone. This brings me to another dear friend of mine T. She was a really good friend of mine, we met in High School and we were friends for the longest time, we had so many things in common with each other, we liked the same things, did the same things, we even had matching clothes sometimes. We were able to finish each other’s sentences and we knew exactly what the other person was thinking. But we got into fights the last year of High School, and ever since then we haven’t been as close. She got close to my friend M, and nothing has been the same ever since, we started to drift further and further apart. I don’t even talk to her anymore. I don’t know anything about her anymore either, I didn’t know she had a crush on anyone, I didn’t know about her boyfriend, I had no idea what was going through her head. It was like we were strangers. And I miss her so much, I feel like she was a sister I never had, and now she’s gone and all I have are memories. And once again, I wonder if she ever thinks about me, or of the times we had together, the laughs, the tears, the fights... any of it.

M, she is a whole different story. She’s nice and sweet, but she can also be a two face. She would tell you one thing and turn around and say something totally different. What I liked about her is that she was honest and when she was your friend, she was really your friend, she would help you out all the time, back you up if you needed it, lend an ear, the whole works. But we had our fights, and she knows how to hold a grudge. I got her mad a lot and we had our ins and outs. But I feel like she was sister as well, I told her a lot and she would tell me lots too. We would spend hours on the phone and hours out as well. But she was always distant at some points, like she no longer wanted to be friends, but then once you had enough time to notice, she would be back at your side, helping you out and acting as if nothing had happened. But you know that something has happened. I feel like she just used me when she had no one else around to be with, like I was a substitute friend or something. Like I never really meant much to her and she could just walk in and out of my life as she pleased. But I know that deep down, she does consider me as a friend and she does worry about me sometimes. She did take one of my best friends, CC from me though.

CC and I have been friends since we were in grade 1, we go way back. We were best friends in grade 1, and then reunited in grade 4, and have been fiends ever since then. To say that M took her from me is unfair, they are really good friends and they did met without my help, but sometimes it feels like it, cause M is Asian like I am, I feel like I just kind of got replaced. But CC is super sweet and naive, but she has also changed into a person I don’t know that well anymore. I don’t mean to sound like I’m judging her, but she lost her virginity before the age of 18, she’s smoking pot and she’s drinking a lot. I feel like I don’t know her anymore... Based on what you’re read so far, it seems like I do nothing but lose friends, and hey maybe that’s what I do with my life without realizing it.

But, I know I have really good friends like BB, W and O. I can rely on them for almost everything. They are always there for me. The help me with issues with guys, they don’t judge me unless it’s jokingly, but each of them do have their faults, just like everyone else. BB is sort of the clueless one of the group. She’s really funny, but when you need advice, she’s not the best person to get it from; her responses are basically “lol”, “ohh” and “ahh”. But she is a really sweet girl that’s willing to help you no matter what. I feel somewhat protective of her, and I always hope nothing bad happens to her. I admire her for her strength, I feel like she’s been through so much, and she still comes across confident and proud of who she is. Then there is W, she’s super smart and super pretty, although she doesn’t admit to it. But she’s really smart and once her mind is set, it won’t change. She’s BB’s best friend. I feel like she doesn’t tell me much, but that’s just how she is. Lately I feel like she’s been mad at me though, but I don’t know what I might have done wrong. But we will get over it, I’m confident about that. And then there is O, she is smart as well, not as pretty as W, but still pretty. She has a boy friend and she’s got the brains. She seems like life is so perfect for her, like she’s got everything figured out for her life, and she seems so carefree about it all. I’m running around like a chicken that’s lost its head and she’s got her head on tight. I’m jealous of her cause of that. I feel like I’m stuck in my life, not knowing where I’m going to go, and not knowing where I have to go.

That’s another problem with me. I never know what I want in life. I do one thing, never finish and I would switch, never finishing what I intended. This brings me to the guy I’m currently crushing on. I like him, but I’m not sure if I like like him. The thing is we don’t know each other that well, sure we tell each other a lot of personal things, but other than that, I feel like I barely got to know him, and I’m the type of girl to like a guy because I know him very well. He seems to be the exception. Wait let me give him a name, he’s H. So H is a really nice guy, he’s smart, he’s decided, humble, genuine, sweet, a romantic, a joker, carefree, all the good qualities you look for in a guy. I haven’t found a fault in him other than him being hung over his ex, but I mean he has the right to be after dating her for three and a half years. The things about him is that he’s always flirting with me, calling me a star, complimenting my personality, telling me I’m pretty, I’m cute and that I’m a catch and any guy that lets me go is a fool. And I feel like he likes me too, but I’m not sure, because he also just got over a crush (a girl I really didn’t like by the way). But I feel like with him, I can never be too sure. I really do hope he likes me, and just writing this is getting my heartbeat up. But regardless of if he likes me back or not, I like him, and I think I just kind of made it official to myself these past two days. My friends have seen something between us, well; they also saw something between me and this other guy SB, but he’s a story for the next paragraph. With H, I feel like I can almost tell him everything, and he will guard my secrets. Maybe that’s why I’ve told him so many of the things that are bothering me. But I also like spending time with him, just being around him calms me, and I like talking to him once in a while, and he knows how to cheer me up and make me laugh and make me feel confident about myself. And like I said before, he flirts with me, and he makes me feel special. And I think that’s why I like him; he knows how to make me feel special compared to others, even with my lack of confidence. And I kind of knew I liked him the day I found out about his previous crush, it made me really sad and I wanted to cry. I didn’t really understand it at that point because it didn’t really occur to me that I liked him, but I think that was my first hint. And when I found out he no longer liked her, I was just so happy. There are things that I can’t explain, and I feel like our connection is one of them, how we just trust each other so much, without really knowing one another. But I’m afraid that if I do something stupid, I’m going to lose him as a friend, and I really don’t want that to happen. He’s a good friend, and the connection I have with him, that connection with a guy, I haven’t felt for a long time, well since U actually, and this might be a different feeling all together. But I definitely know I like him. And whether he feels the same or not, I just want to keep spending time with him.

Then comes SB, that connection with H, I was talking about before. Well I have one with SB as well. We just met about 3 months ago, and I feel super comfortable around him. Yes, three months may seem like a lot of time, but trust me; it was about 2 months of “hi, how are you?” and walking away, not three months of being best friends. But we did become friends really quickly, and from what I gather about SB, he is very shy around people he’s just met. He would be real quiet and just sit and stare, but around me, we seemed to start talking once we actually got together and sat in the same place. And I know we have some sort of unexplained connection, because I don’t usually feel this comfortable around people this easily either. But with him I do, not as comfortable as around H, but comfortable enough to be the real me around him. And I like spending time with him too. He’s nice and sweet, although a tad childish, but I like it. But as I’m realising now, I’m not crushing on him like I thought I’ve been before. He’s just a good friend that I like being around. Not to mention helpful around exam time. But he is one person I would like to continue to get to know and build a strong friendship with.

The thing with SB and H is that they are best friends and they are almost always together. I never get SB without H, but I do get H without SB. I know weird and confusing, but that’s not the point I’m trying to make. The point is, they talk about me. I would tell one person something (non personal) and the other person would know within the next 24 hours. It’s like they were girls, like what I do with my friends when I’m talking to a guy. I would give them snippets of my conversations with them. That’s what I feel like H and SB are doing. And this lead people I tell (including my mom) that one of them likes me. But I’m not sure which, because I don’t know either that well. SB did offer me to sit on his lap, but maybe that was a moment thing, and he did come to my birthday although he was pretty sick. And H is always asking me who I like and sometimes asking if it’s SB. But then this lead me and others to believe that a) SB may like me and wants H to find out or b) H likes me and want to know who I like. It’s complicated with them... but life is what it is, and if anything happens with either of them, I think I would go for it.

-J