Me, Myself & I

I've noticed that I am not as nice as people believe me to be. I'm not the kindhearted person people think I am. Or I can be, but I don't feel like I am. I see in myself a selfish person, someone who always puts her best interest in front of others, but I also know that that isn't necessarily true either. If one of my friends need help, I will help. I don't always need some "prize" at the end of something. Sometimes helping someone is the prize.

That set aside, I know I still am a selfish person. Although I just stated that somethings are done just for the sake of helping the thing is, I go into it thinking "Ohh, well how will doing _____ help me?" I've also noticed that most of the conversations I have with people revolve around myself. I seem to like talking about myself, but everything I say comes out as a complaint. I barely ever say anything positive about myself. There is always something wrong, my grades, my looks, my friend, my crush, always something for me to complain about. And I feel like I burden people with this useless information. But sometimes I feel like I just have to be the center of attention (although oddly enough, the thought of having the spotlight on me scares me).

I also try to keep things, and not share them (not always though, somethings are too good to be kept to myself), but sometimes I get possessive over people. If I know someone who I find is really special to me, I want them to pay all their attention on me and not someone else. I don't want their attention to wonder. I just want to be their most important person. Now it may seem that I'm talking about guy friends, but I'm also talking about the girls, I have trouble "sharing" friends sometimes cause I know that I'm not the most interesting person around. I guess I'm just afraid to loose people. Well, it's no guess, I know I have trouble saying bye to people, and letting go of people as well. But what I'm getting at is that I want people to see me as boring and just leave me.

I feel like sometimes, without really noticing I put myself down so others will say something nice to make me feel better about myself, kind of like reassurance that I'm not as bad as I think I am. Now you may be thinking that I do it for other peoples' pity, but I don't. I don't like being pitied. I think I do it as a way of letting me know what other people think of me. Although I know that most of the time it's more of them being nice than telling the truth.

But I am glad that I have the friends I do, they like me the way I am, self-centered or not. And I know that when they compliment me, it's sincere. they don't say things just because I want to hear it. They say it cause they mean it.

And there is always that one person who says the nicest things to me, and I know he means it from his heart. And all those things have helped me gain some confidence. So thank you ♥

-J