I Wonder...

I have a feeling I am very clueless when I comes to boys, and whether they might like me or not. Of course sometimes I am on the ball, which makes me wonder how I missed this one. I mean all the signs were there, and a lot of people suspected something. But I was pretty much clueless the whole time, or I just didn't want to believe it, I guess. Before this gets anymore confusing, let me tell you guys.

So, you guys all know who AA is. I think that he used to or still likes me. I never really realized, and to be honest I did have a crush on him a while back. So here are the reasons I think he likes/liked me:

1. He always noticed little things about me, the way I raise my voice when I say "I'm sorry." The way I always lift my shoulders when I'm irritated, the faces I made when I was feeling a certain way. My hair color and yes, even my zits :(
2. He always imitated me, my "I'm sorry" elevating his voice. He would imitate the way I lift my shoulders, and sometimes we were so in sync, we would lift them together. He also copied all the facial expressions I would make.
3. He gave me hugs all the time, and I never see him hugging others.
4. He was always asking me where I was during exam times, even if he was already with other people. Always asking if we could study together, even if he's way smarter than me.
5. He would share a locker with me (even if I have a locker buddy and he has his own locker).
6. He makes time for me. If he's at skating practice, and I text him, he would call me as soon as he was done or on a little break. If he's driving, he would call me anyways.
7. He grabbed my hand in school once (to be fair, he took my hand to drag me somewhere).
8. He kinda asked me out, and I kind of rejected without noticing (proves how clueless I am).
9. When he got injured he texted me to update me on what happened (although it was a few days later, but we haven't talked for a while. Yes this is recent, it happened today).

So I may be clueless, but I think these are signs that he may have been into me, or he may just be a really good friend :P Either way, I noticed when he told me he got injured, I got really worried and was willing to go to the hospital and see him. And when I found out he was at home, I felt relieved, although I may feel this way for any other friend, it's surprising that I feel such a strong connection to him. We were never really that close.

And to argue that I'm not that clueless, I will say that he is extremely religious and doesn't seem like the type to date outside of his religion... that's one reason why I thought it would not be possible. the next would have to be his ex. She is smart, and well, a bitch. So I would never expect to be his type.

But I probably missed my chance when I accidentally rejected him. I guess I'll have to see how this story works out, but at the same time, I don't think I want to, cause I know I don't feel the same way about AA as I do with H. So much stuff going on...

-J

Dreaming Of You

So lately I've been having dreams about H. Nothing has happened in real life between us yet, although I feel like we have gotten closer o one another recently. We've been texting each other everyday, from morning till night. He's really busy though, but he still makes time to talk to me. For the past few nights, I've been dreaming of him, of us being together and going out. Like all the other couples, we're going on dates and holding hands. It's really cute, and it makes me realize how much I like him. I feel safe and confident around him. I'm never afraid of him judging me, or thinking I'm stupid. I can be myself around him, and he can be himself around me too. I really like that.

But I also realized that I think about him a lot more than I have ever thought of any of my previous crushes. I don't think I was this conscious of my thoughts of my first love. And that is really saying something because I liked him for 5 years. But I constantly think about H, could be because of something he's going through, and I'm worried about him. But does that explain why every time my phone rings, I wish it were him? I think it's safe to say that what I feel fro him is more than a crush. And what's killing me most of all is I'm not sure how he feels about me. I wish I was one of those girls who could read guys, know what he felt about me and if he were interested or not, but I'm not. I have no experience with guys. So I sit here and wonder if while I'm thinking of him, he's thinking about me. I really want to tell him how I feel about him, but I'm almost too certain of the answer, maybe because I'm negative, or maybe it's my gut instinct, but I just have a feeling that the answer is going to be that he doesn't feel the same way about me. Although I do catch him looking at me when he thinks I don't notice, and we always share smiles with one another, and compliment each other, I just have a feeling that in the end it won't work out, maybe because I'm afraid to loose him. But I think that one day, I will tell him how I feel, that day may come too late, but I want him to know how special he is to me, even if it isn't reciprocal.

-J

Have I Found One Thing I'm Good At?

I've recently noticed, and I have no idea if this is true about myself, but I've noticed that I seem to bring out the best in people. I know it's something weird to say, and you're probably thinking, doesn't everyone bring the best out in people? To that last question I will have to answer no right away, because some people seem to only bring the bad out of people, like getting people mad all the time, or simply being a bad influence on people.

But I like to believe that I bring out the good in a lot of my friends and people that I meet. I'm not saying that I change these people and they become a very good person after meeting me, no, I mean I seem to always get them to be themselves and true around me. One example of this is AA, he's an obnoxious person, and is not every nice about his grades when he compares to others, he always brags and makes people feel dumb. But with me he's always super nice, and makes sure I don't feel stupid compared to him.

Another example is a guy that I will name MA, he is very smart, and like AA, he likes to brag about his accomplishments. But when it comes to me, he would say that I am doing a good job in school and that I'm smart. Now it sounds like I'm just taking compliments from these two guys, but in truth they are also more considerate to other people when I'm with them. People have told me that on separate occasions AA and MA have been really rude to them, but when I'm with them, they are nicer.

I've also recently met a girl, ST, who is a very shy girl, who doesn't talk much. She had begun to come out of her shell so to speak, but she's really herself around me. She's not afraid to be herself with me, and we act super silly all the time. I would like to believe that part of that is due to my influence, but I know that it isn't all because of me.

So I don't know if it's simply due to the fact that people pity me, find me stupid, genuinely like me, or find me weird enough to be themselves around me, but I think that I do bring the best out of people, or at least a better version of themselves.

-J

He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not...

Here's my list of why I think H likes me, and why he might not:

Likes:

• He compliments me a lot
• He tells me if somethings on his mind
• He texts me everyday
• He helps me out whenever I need help, no matter how annoying
• He listens to me complain about EVERYTHING
• He's honest with me
• He lets me see the true him
• He calls me smart
• He doesn't judge me
• He calls me pretty
• Good night texts
• He tries to cheer me up when I'm upset

Likes Me Not:

• He still thinks about his ex
• He's still hangs out with his old crush
• I'm too deep in the friend-zone
• Different beliefs (I hope this one isn't a reason for why he wouldn't like me) 

I don't know, sometimes I wish I could just read people's minds. But I would want to be able to control who's mind I'm listening to and when. Wouldn't that be convenient? It sure would! No more having to guess stuff like I am now.

At the same time, I wish I could tell him how I feel about him... But I'm afraid he says he doesn't feel the same way, or that he's still getting his ex (which he kind of is). But it's just when I'm with him, we're always smiling and joking, and pushing each other around. I just like how I can be myself around him, and not worry about what he thinks.

-J

The λ Test

So I know I've mentioned this before, but sometimes I like to not text or call or message H and see if he would be the first to text me or to message me. I don't know what the name for this is, so I've dubbed it the λ (lambda) test. For those of you who don't know, λ is L is the Greek alphabet. So I find naming it the "L test" is pretty efficient. Now I don't know if there is such a thing as a λ test, so if there is please tell me.

For those of you who don't know what I'm talking about. Here is an explanation. My λ test, is a test trial of sorts to know if I'm in someones mind. I refrain from texting and/or calling and/or messaging someone and see if they would be the first to start a conversation. If they do it means that they think about me, and like to talk to me (or simply need something from me, but let's not talk about that), and if not it means a) they are too busy to talk b) too shy to start the conversation of c) don't want to walk to me. I use it sometimes to see if H will start a convo with me rather then me starting them all the time. And most of the time it is a successful test. He would text me the day i decide to start the test, or the next.


So you want to know if that special someone likes you, or if they think about you? Try out the λ test, and hope that the other person isn't doing this too :P


-J

Love Sucks

There is no other way of putting it. Love sucks. It's the one thing that makes us feel lonely, stay up late at night, and makes us constantly worry, amoung many other things. When we find love, we are happy, when we loose love we are sad, when we are in love, we yearn. There is always a feeling associated with love. and more often than other, this feeling is sadness or yearning. I'm not saying that love is a bad thing. No, in fact I think that being in love is one of the best feelings in the world, no matter what kind of emotions are associated with it. What I'm saying is that sometimes, I wonder if it's all worth it. To go through all of this, even though you know what you're chasing is an impossible goal.

For someone like me, I feel like the goal is always an impossible one. A love that is always felt in only one direction. I always fall for the wrong guys, the douche, the friend, the ones that I know don't like me the same way I like them. As as much as I want to tell my heart not to fall for these guys, I continuously do anyways. Can someone please tell my heart to stop? Cause it seems like every time I fall for someone, I just end up more miserable. I'm not saying that anything is wrong with my crush on H, I'm just saying that I don't think we'll ever work out. I means religion does come into play, but that is not may main issue. What I'm worried about is what he thinks of me. I know I'm not a perfect person, I have so many flaws they can't be counted with both hands and feet. But he seems to truly like me for who I am, and he see's the real me that many others seem to never see. He understand what I go through, and we have a lot of common flaws as well. And despite my earlier post about being out of the friend-zone, I'm still scared that he might think of me as just a really good friend.

He's told me before that he trusts me and he tells me stuff he only tells people he's super close to, but that doesn't clear me from the friend-zone. In fact that may just push me further into it, and although we avoid using the words "friend" and "buddy" when talking to one another, doesn't mean he doesn't think it. Yes, we've only known each other for a year, but he is really one of the closest people to me right now. I feel like I can tell him anything, and he will understand and help me get through it. and I know he feels the same way because we've been dumping stuff on each other for a while now. In this little year we've known each other, well six months that we've really know each other, we have really gotten to know each other, and I am so blessed and thankful to have him in my life. He's the one that keeps me smiling when I'm sad, and keeps me up when I'm down. And I hope I do the same for him, because a part of love is to always be there for those you love.

Having a crush on him is so hard though, I just know that no matter how much I want to tell him I like him, I won't. I feel like I can't do it, mostly because I don't want to find out he doesn't like me and because I don't want to lose him. But the more I think about it, the more I know that my crush on his is not going to go anywhere. I wish I could get him out of my mind, but I can't, the harder I try, the more he seems to stay. I wish there was a way for me to find out how you really feels about me, without me getting hurt.

-J

Happy Valentines Day! (or Single Awareness Day) ♥

Hey guys! So first of Happy Valentines Day to all the happy couples, and Happy Single Awareness Day to all the singles out there. And of course I still fall under Single Awareness Day.

So today really wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I expected a day full of self pity, no thanks to one of my friends who's getting over a break up. You see, when one of my friends is going through something I feel for them and think about them all of the time. Hence, I myself feel like I'm going through a break up. But today really wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Even the candy and hearts and teddy bears didn't bother me. Why? Because I myself received a Valentines Day present :) H gave me a VDay cookie :) It was a chocolate chip cookie in a tin with little candy hearts that said "Be Mine" in different languages. Of course I know it's not a gift of affection in that way, but he gave it to me nonetheless, although I refused to take it at first :P After I accepted it, he officially deemed me his Valentine. I shared the cookie though, so everyone who had a piece became his Valentine :P But still super sweet of him, and I secretly hope that maybe he did intend to give it to me and not have me share it.

 On the other hand, H and I are no longer in the friend zone, for those who don't know what that means, it means that you are only a friend int he eyes of someone, nothing more nothing less, you can also check this video out (x). A few weeks ago, we would still be saying "that's what friends are for," "you're a good friend," "you're one of the closer friends I have," "I only tell stuff like this to my closest friends." Now we never call each other friends, that was suddenly dropped for both of us. When we talk now, it's more like "You're one of the closest people to me right now," "You're the best," "I'll always be here for you." So out of the friend zone and into something new? I'm not sure, but one thing is for sure, our connection got way deeper since we're helping each other out with something very personal to one another. Who knows what might happen? I sure don't...

If you might have some advice, comments, anything, let me know. Anything may be helpful at this point.

-J

What Am I to Say?

This is a post dedicated to someone, and although I would never say it to them, or send it to them, it's the answer to the questions they've been asking me.

Did I do the right thing?
"I don't know if you did the right thing, I really don't. And I can't tell you if you did the right thing either, because a) I'm not you, and b) my answer would be bias. And I'm not a mean person, so I can't say "Yes, you did do the right thing" because you still love her. And no matter what I say, that won't change. I can say I hope you did to the right thing again and again, but that won't change how you feel about me. It won't make you realize that someone cares about you so much more than you think. It won't make you realize you like me either. You're depressed, and that's because you feel like you shouldn't have let her go. I know you still love her, and so do you, so the answer should be "No, you didn't the right thing" right? But the thing is I don't want you to go back to her, because I don't want to see you with another girl. But I have to say that you might have made the right choice, because you yourself want her to be happy and find someone else, you justified the reasons for your breakup. And this will get you to turn a new leaf."

Should I go into another relationship?
"My answer is no, not because I don't to see you with another woman, but because you shouldn't rush into anything. Especially when you know it's not going to be anything serious. First off, you're just going to end up hurting yourself and the person you get into a relationship with. I don't want you hurting yourself anymore than you are now. And I don;t want you to feel guilty for breaking another girls heart after you end that "rebound" relationship. I want you to be whole again and go find someone that's right for you, even if that person isn't me. I want you to be happy, and I know it may be stupid to say considering that I like you so much, but trust me, I would rather you see happy and not in my arms than see you sad and alone or with me.But I'm not going to let go until I know that you love the person you're going to ask out."

What if there is someone for me out there, and I just threw her away?
"If you were meant to be with her, then you guys will find your way back to one another. If you truly were you guys will somehow get back together. But if you guys don't then you'll find someone else, just like she did. And yes, a lot of us have already met the person we were meant to be, but so many of us also haven't met that person yet. maybe you're one of the people that hasn't. Or maybe you do know the person, but just don't know it's them yet. We all spend our lives looking for just the right person, so focused that we never notice the person that was perfect for us until it's too late. Just give it time, your heart will mend, although the scar will always be there, and you will find the right girl. That I can promise you."

Sincerely,
Your secret admirer,
-J

First Love

Why is it that our first love is the hardest one to get over? Why is it the one that we never want to let go of? What makes it the special relationship that we always go back to in our lives? Can it be because it is in fact simply our first? The first time we ever fell for someone, the newness of the whole experience? And since it's our first, there is nothing to compare it to. Nothing to ruin the idea of love. It's all new and we all need to explore it before finding the flaws.

Everything new to us is something spectacular and amazing, we never forget the firsts. And love is no exception. We all remember who our first crush was, we all remember our first best friend, etc. The first anything is always what we go back and compare our current situation to. And most of the time, the first is something that can't be beat.

So what does make a first love so interesting? I  honestly have no idea. But I can say that I still do think of the first person I feel in love with, a lot more than I would like to admit. And I think it;s the innocence around it all that we all want to go back to. When you fall for the first time, it;s the first, there is no ex to think about. It's just you and the person you're in love with, no bad history, nothing to be afraid of. But once it is over, we are afraid to be hurt by someone again, we become cautious around the ones that we might potentially fall in love with, and that stops us from loving as wholeheartedly as the first person. And every time we fall for someone after that, although the relationship may be perfect, we are still somewhat guarded, afraid that once again we might be hurt.

-J

A Glass of Wine for One?

So as most of you guys know Valentine's Day is coming up! For all the couples out there I am extremely happy that you guys have found someone special to you. For all the single ladies (me included), let us not spend this day feeling lonely. We all know that just because it's Valentine's day doesn't mean that the guy we like only loves us on this one day of the year. If they truly loved us, they would love us all year long (this goes to all you taken guys and girls as well!) We live in the 21st century, a girl can also ask a girl out, right? Heck yes! so all you girls out there, maybe the guy is too shy to ask, give it a shot, you never know till you do it right? And as I'm saying this, I will let you know that I have no intentions of telling H how I feel for the moment yet. That is something I will keep to myself a little longer unfortunately, I'm still working some feelings out. But I do hope to get some news about that to you guys sometimes soon, I know one particular reader that seems to want news about him :P (you know who you are). But all this set aside, although I'm not doing anything special on this Valentine's Day doesn't mean that I will be spending it feeling lonely.

Although seeing all the happy couples around me does make me sad, like it does every year. This year I know that although I'm not in a relationship I know that there is someone out there who thinks about me and worries about me (and no it is not a family member). An actual guy, someone who will remain letterless. But this person is very nice to me, and although we might not have romantic feelings for one another, I'm glad that I have a support at the moment. So thank you for that.

What I think about Valentine's Day is that it is just commercial holiday, like I've said before, you should be letting the person you like know that you love them everyday, not one day of the year because your calender and society says so. But that doesn't mean I don't want to receive flowers or roses on that day :P

So now you must be wondering why I have the title I have. Well this title is because I got a bottle of wine from H and SB on my birthday and I have yet to drink it. I don't know when I will, but when I do, it will probably be alone, maybe on Valentine's day (I kid). I guess, I was hoping I would be able to share it with either one of them, but clearly that won't be happening any time soon...

Till next time :)

-J

Me, Myself & I

I've noticed that I am not as nice as people believe me to be. I'm not the kindhearted person people think I am. Or I can be, but I don't feel like I am. I see in myself a selfish person, someone who always puts her best interest in front of others, but I also know that that isn't necessarily true either. If one of my friends need help, I will help. I don't always need some "prize" at the end of something. Sometimes helping someone is the prize.

That set aside, I know I still am a selfish person. Although I just stated that somethings are done just for the sake of helping the thing is, I go into it thinking "Ohh, well how will doing _____ help me?" I've also noticed that most of the conversations I have with people revolve around myself. I seem to like talking about myself, but everything I say comes out as a complaint. I barely ever say anything positive about myself. There is always something wrong, my grades, my looks, my friend, my crush, always something for me to complain about. And I feel like I burden people with this useless information. But sometimes I feel like I just have to be the center of attention (although oddly enough, the thought of having the spotlight on me scares me).

I also try to keep things, and not share them (not always though, somethings are too good to be kept to myself), but sometimes I get possessive over people. If I know someone who I find is really special to me, I want them to pay all their attention on me and not someone else. I don't want their attention to wonder. I just want to be their most important person. Now it may seem that I'm talking about guy friends, but I'm also talking about the girls, I have trouble "sharing" friends sometimes cause I know that I'm not the most interesting person around. I guess I'm just afraid to loose people. Well, it's no guess, I know I have trouble saying bye to people, and letting go of people as well. But what I'm getting at is that I want people to see me as boring and just leave me.

I feel like sometimes, without really noticing I put myself down so others will say something nice to make me feel better about myself, kind of like reassurance that I'm not as bad as I think I am. Now you may be thinking that I do it for other peoples' pity, but I don't. I don't like being pitied. I think I do it as a way of letting me know what other people think of me. Although I know that most of the time it's more of them being nice than telling the truth.

But I am glad that I have the friends I do, they like me the way I am, self-centered or not. And I know that when they compliment me, it's sincere. they don't say things just because I want to hear it. They say it cause they mean it.

And there is always that one person who says the nicest things to me, and I know he means it from his heart. And all those things have helped me gain some confidence. So thank you ♥

-J

Friends

A friend is described by the Merriam-Webster dictionary as "one attached to another by affection or esteem". And I find that friends are very important people in our lives. I believe that every person has one friend, no matter what they believe, and what is amazing about friends is that they come in all forms and sometimes in the most unexpected places. And what is amazing about it is that you make them through emotions, you connect with your friends through shared emotions or common interests.

We make friends when we are mad, sad, happy, lost, and in all stages of our lives, young or old. We all appreciate company from people who truly care about us. However we have to remember that there are several types of friends. Friends can be like family, they can be like brothers and sisters, but family can also be friends. You can treat your brother/sister like a friend. I know I treat mine like friends :). 

But coming back to friends, we have different kinds, we have the ones that we see all the time, the ones that we do everything with and tell everything too. This group of friends usually consist of a little group of people usually from 1-4 friends, usually referred to as out best friend(s). 

Then we have friends, who are the people you hang out with a lot, but don't tell everything to, this can be anyone from a simple classroom friend to a work friend. Just someone you enjoy being around and that you have common interests with.

Then there are other friends, friends you don't see all the time, but when you do, you feel like you've been with them the whole time you were apart. The friends that you feel like you've known forever and can trust even though you have just met... 

Then there are the friends that use you for various things, homework, a fill in for someone else, a person that you can get things through... those are the friends that you want to let go of, the ones you know won't be there for you when you need them the most, the ones that will drop you in the blink of an eye and never look back.

The ones you want to keep forever are the ones that you know will be there for you forever, the ones that you enjoy being around, and the ones that you trust and hold dear to you heart, and most importantly they feel the same way about you. Unfortunately, we don't usually know which friends are true and which are false until something bad happens. I know I knew who my friends were when I was stuck in the situation with BF, my true friends stayed with me while I cried and complained for a long time, and the others simply left me alone and observed. There is also when I have my depression episodes, my true friends would stay with me and tell me that it's all good, and that I am perfect no matter what others may say about me or what I may even think about myself.

I am very grateful to have the friends I have at the moment, my true friends who are always going to be there for me, and I will always be there for them as well. Right now my close friends that I never want to be separated from can be counted with one hand, and I want to keep it that way, I like the close knit circle I have created with my friends, although one of these friends are not close with the others, I still cherish him, and hope that I will never loose him, because I know loosing him would break my heart. Maybe not as greatly as with my other friends, because loosing them will mark me forever. But he is still very special. He is the one I can trust with anything and the one that gives me advice straight from his heart, he doesn't give me what I want to hear, he gives me what I need to hear. 

So since I know most of the close friends mentioned in this post will be reading this, I want to say thank you for being my friend and sticking with me through all my ups and downs, all my moments, both bad and good. Thank you for being there for me.  You guys love me for who I am, no matter how ridiculous, you guys help me be true to myself and help me see who I truly am, even if I don't see it most of the time. You guys are like the light that cuts through the fog, and help me get to the other side safe and sound. You guys are truly the greatest friends I have, and I hope I have been there for you as much as you have been for me.

And to that one other friend, I know you'll probably never see this, but I hope I never loose you no matter what happens. I may be selfish for wanting to keep you, but you are truly one of the people that have kept me grounded in the past month and the one I've trusted with the secrets I may have never told anyone else. Thank you for being the shoulder I can lean on and the rock to keep me grounded. You will probably never understand how much I appreciate having a friend like you. You listen to all my little stories and complaints and know how to make me see the bright side of things. Thank you.

-J

What is Perfect?

I've been wondering what it means for someone to be perfect... What goes into calling someone perfect? Is it their long flowing hair, perfectly symmetrical face, having a size 0 waist, being tall, having a nice eye color, having a nice physique, being rich? Why do we call so many people out there perfect?

Perfect is defined by the Merriam-Webster dictionary as "being entirely without fault or defect" i.e. flawless. What makes someone flawless? We all have problems, someone that is rich is not the happiest person on Earth, and the same goes with someone who is extremely beautiful or handsome. The person may seem like they have it all, looks, money, friends, a career, a car, a boat, etc. but how are we to know if they are happy? Is perfect even possible? Well, we might think so, but once the "perfect" product is made, there will always be another product that will beat it, surpass our expectations. The same goes for people, 50 years ago, what society considered perfect is not the same as it is today, nor will it be the same 50 years from now... So is perfection relative to our perception? If someone is perfect in my mind, are they also perfect in your mind, and the mind of millions of others?


I've found people whom I thought were perfect, but building people up to that image of perfection and keeping them there is hard. When you find one flaw in a person everything comes apart, the magic is gone, and you are left with not a perfect being, but a human being. So is the adjective of being "perfect" only truly reserved for the Gods and Goddesses? Or is there somewhere out there a perfect human being, someone who has all the looks, all the money, all the friends (true friends, not false), no self torment, no regrets, a genuine and honest person, who has never done one wrong thing in their life? I would have to believe not, because the more perfect someone seems the more dark secrets they may have hidden behind their smile. I'm not saying that every seeming to be perfect person has a deep dark secret that will never see the light of day, no I am saying that we all have secrets. I'm not perfect, not even close and I have enough secrets to keep you thinking for a life time. Some secrets are known by my closest friends, others are not. We all have something to hide, but it's nothing to be afraid of.


The closest I have ever encountered that comes to perfection is a dear friend that I have recently made. Now for this post, not even a letter will be revealed. But this person seemed to have it all, the brains, the looks, the smile, the personality, the friends, the experiences, everything. However as I came to learn, this person was not as happy as they let on.They had their own troubles and self conflicts. And although I now know that this person is not "perfect" I still respect them and look up to them. So in my mind is this person still perfect, or are they simply a person I can relate to? 

Tell me what you guys think.


-J