I Wonder...

I have a feeling I am very clueless when I comes to boys, and whether they might like me or not. Of course sometimes I am on the ball, which makes me wonder how I missed this one. I mean all the signs were there, and a lot of people suspected something. But I was pretty much clueless the whole time, or I just didn't want to believe it, I guess. Before this gets anymore confusing, let me tell you guys.

So, you guys all know who AA is. I think that he used to or still likes me. I never really realized, and to be honest I did have a crush on him a while back. So here are the reasons I think he likes/liked me:

1. He always noticed little things about me, the way I raise my voice when I say "I'm sorry." The way I always lift my shoulders when I'm irritated, the faces I made when I was feeling a certain way. My hair color and yes, even my zits :(
2. He always imitated me, my "I'm sorry" elevating his voice. He would imitate the way I lift my shoulders, and sometimes we were so in sync, we would lift them together. He also copied all the facial expressions I would make.
3. He gave me hugs all the time, and I never see him hugging others.
4. He was always asking me where I was during exam times, even if he was already with other people. Always asking if we could study together, even if he's way smarter than me.
5. He would share a locker with me (even if I have a locker buddy and he has his own locker).
6. He makes time for me. If he's at skating practice, and I text him, he would call me as soon as he was done or on a little break. If he's driving, he would call me anyways.
7. He grabbed my hand in school once (to be fair, he took my hand to drag me somewhere).
8. He kinda asked me out, and I kind of rejected without noticing (proves how clueless I am).
9. When he got injured he texted me to update me on what happened (although it was a few days later, but we haven't talked for a while. Yes this is recent, it happened today).

So I may be clueless, but I think these are signs that he may have been into me, or he may just be a really good friend :P Either way, I noticed when he told me he got injured, I got really worried and was willing to go to the hospital and see him. And when I found out he was at home, I felt relieved, although I may feel this way for any other friend, it's surprising that I feel such a strong connection to him. We were never really that close.

And to argue that I'm not that clueless, I will say that he is extremely religious and doesn't seem like the type to date outside of his religion... that's one reason why I thought it would not be possible. the next would have to be his ex. She is smart, and well, a bitch. So I would never expect to be his type.

But I probably missed my chance when I accidentally rejected him. I guess I'll have to see how this story works out, but at the same time, I don't think I want to, cause I know I don't feel the same way about AA as I do with H. So much stuff going on...

-J

Dreaming Of You

So lately I've been having dreams about H. Nothing has happened in real life between us yet, although I feel like we have gotten closer o one another recently. We've been texting each other everyday, from morning till night. He's really busy though, but he still makes time to talk to me. For the past few nights, I've been dreaming of him, of us being together and going out. Like all the other couples, we're going on dates and holding hands. It's really cute, and it makes me realize how much I like him. I feel safe and confident around him. I'm never afraid of him judging me, or thinking I'm stupid. I can be myself around him, and he can be himself around me too. I really like that.

But I also realized that I think about him a lot more than I have ever thought of any of my previous crushes. I don't think I was this conscious of my thoughts of my first love. And that is really saying something because I liked him for 5 years. But I constantly think about H, could be because of something he's going through, and I'm worried about him. But does that explain why every time my phone rings, I wish it were him? I think it's safe to say that what I feel fro him is more than a crush. And what's killing me most of all is I'm not sure how he feels about me. I wish I was one of those girls who could read guys, know what he felt about me and if he were interested or not, but I'm not. I have no experience with guys. So I sit here and wonder if while I'm thinking of him, he's thinking about me. I really want to tell him how I feel about him, but I'm almost too certain of the answer, maybe because I'm negative, or maybe it's my gut instinct, but I just have a feeling that the answer is going to be that he doesn't feel the same way about me. Although I do catch him looking at me when he thinks I don't notice, and we always share smiles with one another, and compliment each other, I just have a feeling that in the end it won't work out, maybe because I'm afraid to loose him. But I think that one day, I will tell him how I feel, that day may come too late, but I want him to know how special he is to me, even if it isn't reciprocal.

-J

Have I Found One Thing I'm Good At?

I've recently noticed, and I have no idea if this is true about myself, but I've noticed that I seem to bring out the best in people. I know it's something weird to say, and you're probably thinking, doesn't everyone bring the best out in people? To that last question I will have to answer no right away, because some people seem to only bring the bad out of people, like getting people mad all the time, or simply being a bad influence on people.

But I like to believe that I bring out the good in a lot of my friends and people that I meet. I'm not saying that I change these people and they become a very good person after meeting me, no, I mean I seem to always get them to be themselves and true around me. One example of this is AA, he's an obnoxious person, and is not every nice about his grades when he compares to others, he always brags and makes people feel dumb. But with me he's always super nice, and makes sure I don't feel stupid compared to him.

Another example is a guy that I will name MA, he is very smart, and like AA, he likes to brag about his accomplishments. But when it comes to me, he would say that I am doing a good job in school and that I'm smart. Now it sounds like I'm just taking compliments from these two guys, but in truth they are also more considerate to other people when I'm with them. People have told me that on separate occasions AA and MA have been really rude to them, but when I'm with them, they are nicer.

I've also recently met a girl, ST, who is a very shy girl, who doesn't talk much. She had begun to come out of her shell so to speak, but she's really herself around me. She's not afraid to be herself with me, and we act super silly all the time. I would like to believe that part of that is due to my influence, but I know that it isn't all because of me.

So I don't know if it's simply due to the fact that people pity me, find me stupid, genuinely like me, or find me weird enough to be themselves around me, but I think that I do bring the best out of people, or at least a better version of themselves.

-J

He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not...

Here's my list of why I think H likes me, and why he might not:

Likes:

• He compliments me a lot
• He tells me if somethings on his mind
• He texts me everyday
• He helps me out whenever I need help, no matter how annoying
• He listens to me complain about EVERYTHING
• He's honest with me
• He lets me see the true him
• He calls me smart
• He doesn't judge me
• He calls me pretty
• Good night texts
• He tries to cheer me up when I'm upset

Likes Me Not:

• He still thinks about his ex
• He's still hangs out with his old crush
• I'm too deep in the friend-zone
• Different beliefs (I hope this one isn't a reason for why he wouldn't like me) 

I don't know, sometimes I wish I could just read people's minds. But I would want to be able to control who's mind I'm listening to and when. Wouldn't that be convenient? It sure would! No more having to guess stuff like I am now.

At the same time, I wish I could tell him how I feel about him... But I'm afraid he says he doesn't feel the same way, or that he's still getting his ex (which he kind of is). But it's just when I'm with him, we're always smiling and joking, and pushing each other around. I just like how I can be myself around him, and not worry about what he thinks.

-J

The λ Test

So I know I've mentioned this before, but sometimes I like to not text or call or message H and see if he would be the first to text me or to message me. I don't know what the name for this is, so I've dubbed it the λ (lambda) test. For those of you who don't know, λ is L is the Greek alphabet. So I find naming it the "L test" is pretty efficient. Now I don't know if there is such a thing as a λ test, so if there is please tell me.

For those of you who don't know what I'm talking about. Here is an explanation. My λ test, is a test trial of sorts to know if I'm in someones mind. I refrain from texting and/or calling and/or messaging someone and see if they would be the first to start a conversation. If they do it means that they think about me, and like to talk to me (or simply need something from me, but let's not talk about that), and if not it means a) they are too busy to talk b) too shy to start the conversation of c) don't want to walk to me. I use it sometimes to see if H will start a convo with me rather then me starting them all the time. And most of the time it is a successful test. He would text me the day i decide to start the test, or the next.


So you want to know if that special someone likes you, or if they think about you? Try out the λ test, and hope that the other person isn't doing this too :P


-J