Observations

Lately I feel like a lot of my friends have been becoming more and more, I'm not sure how to put it, it isn't selfish or self-centered... but at the same time it kind of is. They have become a lot more self-orientated. Maybe they have always been that way and I just never noticed, but I've started seeing it lately. Maybe it is just because of the specific time in our lives where we want to find out what we want to do in our futures, but at the same time I think it might be something a little more. Although Marx believed that human nature is altruistic and not selfish, I don't always believe that. I think that we are all capable of being selfish, and deep down we all care about our own survival a lot. But this isn't a sociology class, so let me get back to my point. I've started noticing that a lot of my friends aren't as unselfish or as open minded as I once believed. Now I'm not saying that they are people walking around with tunnel vision, and I am also not saying that I am the most open minded, unselfish person out there, I'm far from it, but this is just based on observations that I've been making.

I've noticed that I have friends who will only focus on what will get them ahead, whether in education or at work. They get rid of people who they deem to be "useless" to their ultimate goal and they try their hardest to build the right bridges, but are quick to burn them as they built ones that are more useful to their goal.

Some have also become concerned with protecting their little bubble, they will not be bothered with anything that is not within their spectrum and do not seem opened to ideas that are beyond their system of belief. They won't go out of their way to understand something, nor will they go out of their way to see if a close one is dealing with something in their personal life. They are content with sitting in the serenity of their bubble to the point where anything that does not affect them and only them is none of their concern.

I also have friends who believe that everyone is out to get them and to make them fail at their current task. Maybe a form of paranoia, but they go as far as to believe that even close friends and family are setting them up for failure and only want to see them fail and they will automatically hate anyone that they see in this way.

I've also noticed people who refuse to be open to ideas beyond what they deem to be right and wrong and they reject anyone who they see as different from what they believe the way people should act and look. They will not even give people a chance depending on what the person does or who the person is with and automatically deems them as something that is not worth getting to know.

And I've noticed that a lot of my friends don't bother going beyond the surface before they tag someone with a certain tag and not try to get beyond the tag to see if it is true. I'm not saying that I'm not superficial when it comes to tagging people too, but I feel like my friends tag people as "hot", "weird", "freak" but don't want to go deeper than that to see what the person is actually like. They refuse to allow the illusion that they have put on the person be broken by anyone but themselves and even when they are broken, it is broken superficially, without getting to know the person.

Now, I'm not saying all of my friends are this way, nor am I saying that I am not like this. I believe we all have this in us and that we are all capable of selfish acts, but I've noticed these things in a lot of my friends and it has given me a different view of them. It hasn't changed how I feel about my friends, because I still love them in their own weird way. But it has made me question if I am the same way, or why I haven;t noticed it in them previously.

I guess in a way I'm tired of my friends seeming like they think the world only encompasses themselves, and thinking only of themselves or living in imagined worlds. Sometimes it gets painful to see, and I'll admit at times it gets annoying. Especially when my friends tag guys as a title and then lives everyday as if the image that they portrayed on the guy is true, when in fact they know nothing about the guy. I guess I just wish everyone was just a little more open minded, I feel like this way there would be a lot less conflict and there would also be a lot more room for understanding one another.

Sorry about this weird post, it's just something that's been on my mind for a while
-J

One Woman Left Behind

Have you guys ever worried, that one day someone you really care about is just going to get up and leave you?

Well I think that more often than I would like to admit. I mean I know my friends are not literally going to just walk away from me. But what I mean is, sometimes don't you wonder why certain people are friends with you, or how these people can stand being around you all the time? I'm not saying that I'm a horrible friend (well at least I hope I'm not a horrible friend).

So I'm super happy that all my friends get along so well, it makes it a lot less awkward when you want to do group activities or just hanging out around campus. But sometimes I think what if they get along better than I do with either one of them, and they find each other more interesting than they find me. What if their friendship just buds of on it's own and mine is left alone. I'm not too concerned that that will happen this year, but what about in a few years from now (granted I still have the same close circle of friends). But I sometimes do wonder if some of my friends will just kind of grow out of our friendship and just leave me behind for another one of my friends or with someone completely different. I know this is a normal process in life, where you lose some people in your life and gain other friends in the process, but the group of friends I have right now (W,ST,H,AK,BB and Y) are amazing. They are like a supportive net for any problems that come my way. I know I would do anything for them and they would do the same for me. And I love that about them. They are honestly some of the closest friends I've ever had. Now I'll admit, some of them know me better than others, and I know some of them better than others, but I love them all.

I've lost friends before, so it's not like if I were to lose one of them I would stop functioning, but thinking about losing them makes me sad... I just hope we remain good friends throughout the rest of our university life, and hopefully for the rest of our lives :)

-J

Me, Myself & I

I've noticed that I am not as nice as people believe me to be. I'm not the kindhearted person people think I am. Or I can be, but I don't feel like I am. I see in myself a selfish person, someone who always puts her best interest in front of others, but I also know that that isn't necessarily true either. If one of my friends need help, I will help. I don't always need some "prize" at the end of something. Sometimes helping someone is the prize.

That set aside, I know I still am a selfish person. Although I just stated that somethings are done just for the sake of helping the thing is, I go into it thinking "Ohh, well how will doing _____ help me?" I've also noticed that most of the conversations I have with people revolve around myself. I seem to like talking about myself, but everything I say comes out as a complaint. I barely ever say anything positive about myself. There is always something wrong, my grades, my looks, my friend, my crush, always something for me to complain about. And I feel like I burden people with this useless information. But sometimes I feel like I just have to be the center of attention (although oddly enough, the thought of having the spotlight on me scares me).

I also try to keep things, and not share them (not always though, somethings are too good to be kept to myself), but sometimes I get possessive over people. If I know someone who I find is really special to me, I want them to pay all their attention on me and not someone else. I don't want their attention to wonder. I just want to be their most important person. Now it may seem that I'm talking about guy friends, but I'm also talking about the girls, I have trouble "sharing" friends sometimes cause I know that I'm not the most interesting person around. I guess I'm just afraid to loose people. Well, it's no guess, I know I have trouble saying bye to people, and letting go of people as well. But what I'm getting at is that I want people to see me as boring and just leave me.

I feel like sometimes, without really noticing I put myself down so others will say something nice to make me feel better about myself, kind of like reassurance that I'm not as bad as I think I am. Now you may be thinking that I do it for other peoples' pity, but I don't. I don't like being pitied. I think I do it as a way of letting me know what other people think of me. Although I know that most of the time it's more of them being nice than telling the truth.

But I am glad that I have the friends I do, they like me the way I am, self-centered or not. And I know that when they compliment me, it's sincere. they don't say things just because I want to hear it. They say it cause they mean it.

And there is always that one person who says the nicest things to me, and I know he means it from his heart. And all those things have helped me gain some confidence. So thank you ♥

-J