A Shoulder to Lean On

You know when you have a good friend? And you know that no matter what, they have a shoulder for you to cry on or lean on? Well, today I found one, well, I always knew it was there for me, but I realized today that I like this shoulder A LOT :P. It was comfy, like a pillow, and fit like a glove (does that make sense when I'm referring to a shoulder?) But anyways, yes, I found a shoulder to lean on. This shoulder belongs to H, now some of you guys may be rolling your eyes, and going of course it's him you doofus! You talk about him all the time! But remember I was having my doubts with him. I'm never sure if we're both in each others friend zones, or we might actually have something going on, and once again, I am kind of hopeless when it comes to guys. But today, I felt very comfortable leaning my head on his shoulders. I would usually feel awkward doing it, but it really didn't, it actually felt very natural to me. The thing is I've thought of doing this to people in the past, H, AA and maybe two others in my whole entire life. With AA it was just cause we were in class and I was tired, and he was sitting next to me, and it was 8AM and you know zzz... The same went for the other two guys. But with H, I've thought of it pretty often, but I've never done it till today. He started putting his head on my shoulder first, and then I did it. We just sat there like that, my head on his shoulder, his head on my head. And we were in public, at our volunteer thing. But it felt so natural, I have no other way of describing it, I don't know if it was awkward for him, but to me, it felt right. It wasn't awkward, it wasn't weird, I didn't feel like I shouldn't be doing it, it was just right. I really have no other way of describing it.

And ST just told me when we got home that she thought we looked cute together and that she thinks we would make a cute couple. This of course made me super happy, so thank you ST!

The only thing I hate though it that sometimes I feel like we have something, then I feel like it's not there the next day, but then I still enjoy my time being spent with him. And I know I said I would be okay if he dated someone else as long as we were friends, or at least I think I said that. I just realized today that I'm not. In no way would I want to see him with another girl. I know it's selfish of me, because he should be happy, but I know that I wouldn't be able to handle it. It would be too much for me. I realized this when we were with other girls, and seeing him with them made me jealous, it wasn't as bad before, but today, it just really hit home. And some of you may be thinking, but of course, after your whole head on his shoulder thing, you should feel jealous, but this happened before that. Usually I let it slide, but today I wasn't able to let it slide, it just really really bugged me.

This whole thing is just getting so complicated in my head, and I seriously wish I could just tell him how I feel, but I still don't feel ready, and at the same time, I don't know when the right time would be...

-J

Dreaming Of You

So lately I've been having dreams about H. Nothing has happened in real life between us yet, although I feel like we have gotten closer o one another recently. We've been texting each other everyday, from morning till night. He's really busy though, but he still makes time to talk to me. For the past few nights, I've been dreaming of him, of us being together and going out. Like all the other couples, we're going on dates and holding hands. It's really cute, and it makes me realize how much I like him. I feel safe and confident around him. I'm never afraid of him judging me, or thinking I'm stupid. I can be myself around him, and he can be himself around me too. I really like that.

But I also realized that I think about him a lot more than I have ever thought of any of my previous crushes. I don't think I was this conscious of my thoughts of my first love. And that is really saying something because I liked him for 5 years. But I constantly think about H, could be because of something he's going through, and I'm worried about him. But does that explain why every time my phone rings, I wish it were him? I think it's safe to say that what I feel fro him is more than a crush. And what's killing me most of all is I'm not sure how he feels about me. I wish I was one of those girls who could read guys, know what he felt about me and if he were interested or not, but I'm not. I have no experience with guys. So I sit here and wonder if while I'm thinking of him, he's thinking about me. I really want to tell him how I feel about him, but I'm almost too certain of the answer, maybe because I'm negative, or maybe it's my gut instinct, but I just have a feeling that the answer is going to be that he doesn't feel the same way about me. Although I do catch him looking at me when he thinks I don't notice, and we always share smiles with one another, and compliment each other, I just have a feeling that in the end it won't work out, maybe because I'm afraid to loose him. But I think that one day, I will tell him how I feel, that day may come too late, but I want him to know how special he is to me, even if it isn't reciprocal.

-J

Love Sucks

There is no other way of putting it. Love sucks. It's the one thing that makes us feel lonely, stay up late at night, and makes us constantly worry, amoung many other things. When we find love, we are happy, when we loose love we are sad, when we are in love, we yearn. There is always a feeling associated with love. and more often than other, this feeling is sadness or yearning. I'm not saying that love is a bad thing. No, in fact I think that being in love is one of the best feelings in the world, no matter what kind of emotions are associated with it. What I'm saying is that sometimes, I wonder if it's all worth it. To go through all of this, even though you know what you're chasing is an impossible goal.

For someone like me, I feel like the goal is always an impossible one. A love that is always felt in only one direction. I always fall for the wrong guys, the douche, the friend, the ones that I know don't like me the same way I like them. As as much as I want to tell my heart not to fall for these guys, I continuously do anyways. Can someone please tell my heart to stop? Cause it seems like every time I fall for someone, I just end up more miserable. I'm not saying that anything is wrong with my crush on H, I'm just saying that I don't think we'll ever work out. I means religion does come into play, but that is not may main issue. What I'm worried about is what he thinks of me. I know I'm not a perfect person, I have so many flaws they can't be counted with both hands and feet. But he seems to truly like me for who I am, and he see's the real me that many others seem to never see. He understand what I go through, and we have a lot of common flaws as well. And despite my earlier post about being out of the friend-zone, I'm still scared that he might think of me as just a really good friend.

He's told me before that he trusts me and he tells me stuff he only tells people he's super close to, but that doesn't clear me from the friend-zone. In fact that may just push me further into it, and although we avoid using the words "friend" and "buddy" when talking to one another, doesn't mean he doesn't think it. Yes, we've only known each other for a year, but he is really one of the closest people to me right now. I feel like I can tell him anything, and he will understand and help me get through it. and I know he feels the same way because we've been dumping stuff on each other for a while now. In this little year we've known each other, well six months that we've really know each other, we have really gotten to know each other, and I am so blessed and thankful to have him in my life. He's the one that keeps me smiling when I'm sad, and keeps me up when I'm down. And I hope I do the same for him, because a part of love is to always be there for those you love.

Having a crush on him is so hard though, I just know that no matter how much I want to tell him I like him, I won't. I feel like I can't do it, mostly because I don't want to find out he doesn't like me and because I don't want to lose him. But the more I think about it, the more I know that my crush on his is not going to go anywhere. I wish I could get him out of my mind, but I can't, the harder I try, the more he seems to stay. I wish there was a way for me to find out how you really feels about me, without me getting hurt.

-J