A Shoulder to Lean On

You know when you have a good friend? And you know that no matter what, they have a shoulder for you to cry on or lean on? Well, today I found one, well, I always knew it was there for me, but I realized today that I like this shoulder A LOT :P. It was comfy, like a pillow, and fit like a glove (does that make sense when I'm referring to a shoulder?) But anyways, yes, I found a shoulder to lean on. This shoulder belongs to H, now some of you guys may be rolling your eyes, and going of course it's him you doofus! You talk about him all the time! But remember I was having my doubts with him. I'm never sure if we're both in each others friend zones, or we might actually have something going on, and once again, I am kind of hopeless when it comes to guys. But today, I felt very comfortable leaning my head on his shoulders. I would usually feel awkward doing it, but it really didn't, it actually felt very natural to me. The thing is I've thought of doing this to people in the past, H, AA and maybe two others in my whole entire life. With AA it was just cause we were in class and I was tired, and he was sitting next to me, and it was 8AM and you know zzz... The same went for the other two guys. But with H, I've thought of it pretty often, but I've never done it till today. He started putting his head on my shoulder first, and then I did it. We just sat there like that, my head on his shoulder, his head on my head. And we were in public, at our volunteer thing. But it felt so natural, I have no other way of describing it, I don't know if it was awkward for him, but to me, it felt right. It wasn't awkward, it wasn't weird, I didn't feel like I shouldn't be doing it, it was just right. I really have no other way of describing it.

And ST just told me when we got home that she thought we looked cute together and that she thinks we would make a cute couple. This of course made me super happy, so thank you ST!

The only thing I hate though it that sometimes I feel like we have something, then I feel like it's not there the next day, but then I still enjoy my time being spent with him. And I know I said I would be okay if he dated someone else as long as we were friends, or at least I think I said that. I just realized today that I'm not. In no way would I want to see him with another girl. I know it's selfish of me, because he should be happy, but I know that I wouldn't be able to handle it. It would be too much for me. I realized this when we were with other girls, and seeing him with them made me jealous, it wasn't as bad before, but today, it just really hit home. And some of you may be thinking, but of course, after your whole head on his shoulder thing, you should feel jealous, but this happened before that. Usually I let it slide, but today I wasn't able to let it slide, it just really really bugged me.

This whole thing is just getting so complicated in my head, and I seriously wish I could just tell him how I feel, but I still don't feel ready, and at the same time, I don't know when the right time would be...

-J

Why Does Everyone Assume I Like SB?

I would really want to know why people think I like SB! Someone told me it's because I mention him a lot, but the thing is I talk about H way more. At first, I thought it was something stereotypical, like "Asians only like Asians" or something, but when even an Asian thinks it? I don't know... and when they are the 6th person to think the same thing in such a short span of time... something is definitely up.

And the thing is, I don't know what people see when they see us together, cause the thing is, we are almost never EVER together, but as mentioned before in a previous post, for two people who are generally shy around strangers, we get along very well for two people who barely know each other. But let me give you the background on how we generally act around each other, and you can be the judge of it.

When we first met, it was generally always saying "hi" to one another, and I would have group studies with him and H, and we would talk on Skype a lot, but the conversations would be about nothing, and they were more about school work than anything, but I found it easy to get along with him. And I guess he did too, because H told me that it took SB a while to warm up to him, but he was surprised at how quickly SB and I became friends. But we always got along pretty well form the start. Then one day, we just started making fun of one another. This started at the end of the semester, so about 2 mounts after we met, and then by my birthday party a month later, we had our nicknames for one another. After that, we always just made fun of one another, and I started doing what I only do to guys I'm super close with, I started to punch him for no apparent reason. Now this might sound weird, but I actually only punch guys I'm super comfortable with, I would hug all my guy friends, but punching is something else, I don't know, I don't do it on purpose, but it's just a reflex I've noticed. But I started to punch him for no reason.

We both also volunteer for the same thing at school, along with H, ST and AK, another one of my friends from school. Today there was four of us, SB, H, a friend named AK, and me. AK is a girl, and it just happened that we were sitting, girls on one side of the table, boys on the other. SB and I kind went to an extreme today. At first we were all insulting each other the whole day, calling each other names and joking around. And when AK left, I left my phone int he hands of SB ,unlocked, which is something I wouldn't do, EVER, and walked with AK to the metro. After I came back, he came to sit next to me, even though he had the most comfortable chair in the room. Then, I started to punch him, and he started to punch back, something he's never done before, and after about 10 minutes, all we did was hit and punch one another. And at a point he kept hitting my thighs, and after that we just got worse and worse, we started to pinch and poke, and slap one another. I think it was to the point that H was about to kick us out, if we weren't to fun to watch. But we just kept at it, even after H, left on an assignment, up until he had to get to class. Then I walked SB to class, said "hi" to W, and BB, and left for the day.

But I believe that if I were to watch myself and SB, from a thirst person perspective, I would believe that there was something going on between the two of us...

And I also gave H, his birthday present today, and he liked it! :D Gave me a huge hug and thanked me for it. And I think I may have made him jealous today. We were doing an errand for our volunteering today, and on the way I saw one of my old friends, KC, I haven't actually seen him for over a month, and even when we do, we always just say "hi", and one of us is rushing to class. But today, he was doing his volunteering or work, I'm never sure which, and I was running my errand. My errand required his help, so we were catching up. I introduced H to him and they exchanged a few words, then KC and I were talking about how we had to meet up, because we always said we would, but never actually ended up doing it. Then when we were done, we exchanged phone numbers and promised to text one another. I saw this look on H's face that I've never seen before, it kind of seemed like jealousy. And then he tried to play it off, saying how he liked KC's phone because it was his favorite color. But that look I saw on his face, it was something new, and the only way I can describe it is jealousy. But I may be assuming things. But if me exchanging numbers with a guy does bug him, then I may be on the right track with H to some degree.

Well, what do you guys think about SB or even my H situation?

-J

Update

Hey guys!

Sorry, I know I've been AWOL for a while, but nothing eventful has happened recently. It's march break, sorry, "reading week", because we're all supposed to be reading and doing homework and studying and such. Ya, like that happens. Most of my week has been spent sleeping in and going out. But yes, it's spring break, which means I don't get to see H much. He was supposed to go out of town, but in the end he ended up staying in town. So that's somewhat of a yay. But we don't talk much, and we don't have any plans to hang out cause we both have homework and we have a test next week. I try to talk to him, but I feel like I'm just being annoying, although I know he doesn't think of it that way... But I still feel bad if I bug him everyday with trivial things. But then when I don't talk to him, I can't focus on other things because I keep thinking about him. Who knew liking someone can be such a pain in the a** right? But another reason I don't talk to him is because of my λ tests. I want to see if he wants to talk to me, not just because I talk to him first, but because he actually wants to talk to me about something. I've noticed that recently I've been the one to start conversations. But sometimes it's just hard not to talk to him for too long. I feel like it's just something I'm so used to and without a conversation a few times a week, something's missing. It's hard to describe the feeling, all I know is that I miss him a lot.

Now, it was his birthday a little while ago, and I didn't see him on his birthday. But I do have a little present for him, it's not much, original but a little corny at the same time. And I'm debating on whether I should give it to him or not. Now, seeing as we are friends, I'm guessing you don't see the problem, butt he things is I don't usually give presents to guys even though it's their birthday. and at the same time it's H, I know he won't throw the present out or anything. He's too nice for that. But I'm, for the lack of a better word, shy. So my question is: Should I give him the present or not? ST tells me I should, because I spent my time hand making it, but tell me what you guys think...

-J

Maybe It's Time to Let Go...

So lately I've been talking to a few friends about H. I've been getting mixed opinions about or "relationship" for a lack of a better word. The thing is, I'm still as confused as ever about this, and I have no idea what to do.I mean, I want to tell him, but at the same time I don't want things to get weird between us if he doesn't feel the same way. I really don't see us going out, it's a sad thought, but it's true. The thing is, I do wish we can go out, cause a few people have said that we look very cute together, and the thing is we do totally click. But as O pointed out o me a while back, we may be too deep in the friend zone to do anything about it. I do have people telling me that they could see us going out, and even people I don't talk to much about guys. They say that they see some chemistry between us and that we are very cute around one another. We do get along and we like to joke around a lot, and the other day he kept hugging me randomly, but that may just he H, or the lack of blood due to blood donation. But it was nice, but I can't help notice that we haven't been talking as much lately, I feel like we are slowly drifting apart, but it's something so sudden. And if we are, I'm really not ready to let him go yet. When I see him with other girls, I get jealous, I admit it, I always wish the girl he was with was me. I just can't help my heart.

And no matter how much I tell myself we won't be together, I can't help but feel so special around him, and hope that we might actually work out.

-J

The Sun Shines Brigther When...

It's amazing how no matter how bad your day seems, someone is able to make it all better. And it's not just anyone, it's always someone close to your heart. You're day can be going horrible, homework and assignments due left and right, university applications taking forever to get back to you, your teacher was a pain in the ass, whatever it might be. There are always certain people that know how to make you smile no matter how you feel. And if you're already smiling, they know how to make your smile bigger. And I believe that these are the people you love the most, the people you cherish the most. Because you know that no matter what they are there for you. And these are the people that no matter how long you guys don't talk, once you see each other, there is a nonstop conversation ahead of you. They are the people you run to first when you have exciting news or something is wrong. they are also the ones that will truly care about what you have to say. They are the ones that are irreplaceable in your life, even after years of not seeing each other.

They can make the darkest days seem bright, the most boring days seem interesting, the saddest days happier, and your happier days even better. The sun just seems to shine brighter when these people are around.

This just crossed my mind cause I have found a few people like this :) and I'm glad to have you guys in my life.

-J

Habit is a Pain in the A**

I've recently noticed that when we get into the habit of doing something, it soon becomes a pain. I'm not saying that getting into the habit of excising and eating healthy or anything like that is a bad thing. drugs are a whole other issue, but that's not what this post is about either. I'm talking about when you're do used to doing something, and then all of a sudden it's gone. Right now I'm talking about people, like when you're used to talking to someone everyday, and all of the sudden it's like they dropped off the map completely, no more calls, no more texts, no more face to face time. On one hand you realized is how important someone is to you. But on the other, you feel like there is something missing. Like there is a hole you have to fill, some void, even if you are doing the same things everyday, just that contact with the person(s), the day is just not the same when you don't hear from them.

I'm just posting this because I've been thinking of a few people I used to talk to, and now don;t hear from anymore. And someone else as well. I'll take the chance to say I miss you ♥. 

-J

Love Sucks

There is no other way of putting it. Love sucks. It's the one thing that makes us feel lonely, stay up late at night, and makes us constantly worry, amoung many other things. When we find love, we are happy, when we loose love we are sad, when we are in love, we yearn. There is always a feeling associated with love. and more often than other, this feeling is sadness or yearning. I'm not saying that love is a bad thing. No, in fact I think that being in love is one of the best feelings in the world, no matter what kind of emotions are associated with it. What I'm saying is that sometimes, I wonder if it's all worth it. To go through all of this, even though you know what you're chasing is an impossible goal.

For someone like me, I feel like the goal is always an impossible one. A love that is always felt in only one direction. I always fall for the wrong guys, the douche, the friend, the ones that I know don't like me the same way I like them. As as much as I want to tell my heart not to fall for these guys, I continuously do anyways. Can someone please tell my heart to stop? Cause it seems like every time I fall for someone, I just end up more miserable. I'm not saying that anything is wrong with my crush on H, I'm just saying that I don't think we'll ever work out. I means religion does come into play, but that is not may main issue. What I'm worried about is what he thinks of me. I know I'm not a perfect person, I have so many flaws they can't be counted with both hands and feet. But he seems to truly like me for who I am, and he see's the real me that many others seem to never see. He understand what I go through, and we have a lot of common flaws as well. And despite my earlier post about being out of the friend-zone, I'm still scared that he might think of me as just a really good friend.

He's told me before that he trusts me and he tells me stuff he only tells people he's super close to, but that doesn't clear me from the friend-zone. In fact that may just push me further into it, and although we avoid using the words "friend" and "buddy" when talking to one another, doesn't mean he doesn't think it. Yes, we've only known each other for a year, but he is really one of the closest people to me right now. I feel like I can tell him anything, and he will understand and help me get through it. and I know he feels the same way because we've been dumping stuff on each other for a while now. In this little year we've known each other, well six months that we've really know each other, we have really gotten to know each other, and I am so blessed and thankful to have him in my life. He's the one that keeps me smiling when I'm sad, and keeps me up when I'm down. And I hope I do the same for him, because a part of love is to always be there for those you love.

Having a crush on him is so hard though, I just know that no matter how much I want to tell him I like him, I won't. I feel like I can't do it, mostly because I don't want to find out he doesn't like me and because I don't want to lose him. But the more I think about it, the more I know that my crush on his is not going to go anywhere. I wish I could get him out of my mind, but I can't, the harder I try, the more he seems to stay. I wish there was a way for me to find out how you really feels about me, without me getting hurt.

-J

What Am I to Say?

This is a post dedicated to someone, and although I would never say it to them, or send it to them, it's the answer to the questions they've been asking me.

Did I do the right thing?
"I don't know if you did the right thing, I really don't. And I can't tell you if you did the right thing either, because a) I'm not you, and b) my answer would be bias. And I'm not a mean person, so I can't say "Yes, you did do the right thing" because you still love her. And no matter what I say, that won't change. I can say I hope you did to the right thing again and again, but that won't change how you feel about me. It won't make you realize that someone cares about you so much more than you think. It won't make you realize you like me either. You're depressed, and that's because you feel like you shouldn't have let her go. I know you still love her, and so do you, so the answer should be "No, you didn't the right thing" right? But the thing is I don't want you to go back to her, because I don't want to see you with another girl. But I have to say that you might have made the right choice, because you yourself want her to be happy and find someone else, you justified the reasons for your breakup. And this will get you to turn a new leaf."

Should I go into another relationship?
"My answer is no, not because I don't to see you with another woman, but because you shouldn't rush into anything. Especially when you know it's not going to be anything serious. First off, you're just going to end up hurting yourself and the person you get into a relationship with. I don't want you hurting yourself anymore than you are now. And I don;t want you to feel guilty for breaking another girls heart after you end that "rebound" relationship. I want you to be whole again and go find someone that's right for you, even if that person isn't me. I want you to be happy, and I know it may be stupid to say considering that I like you so much, but trust me, I would rather you see happy and not in my arms than see you sad and alone or with me.But I'm not going to let go until I know that you love the person you're going to ask out."

What if there is someone for me out there, and I just threw her away?
"If you were meant to be with her, then you guys will find your way back to one another. If you truly were you guys will somehow get back together. But if you guys don't then you'll find someone else, just like she did. And yes, a lot of us have already met the person we were meant to be, but so many of us also haven't met that person yet. maybe you're one of the people that hasn't. Or maybe you do know the person, but just don't know it's them yet. We all spend our lives looking for just the right person, so focused that we never notice the person that was perfect for us until it's too late. Just give it time, your heart will mend, although the scar will always be there, and you will find the right girl. That I can promise you."

Sincerely,
Your secret admirer,
-J

First Love

Why is it that our first love is the hardest one to get over? Why is it the one that we never want to let go of? What makes it the special relationship that we always go back to in our lives? Can it be because it is in fact simply our first? The first time we ever fell for someone, the newness of the whole experience? And since it's our first, there is nothing to compare it to. Nothing to ruin the idea of love. It's all new and we all need to explore it before finding the flaws.

Everything new to us is something spectacular and amazing, we never forget the firsts. And love is no exception. We all remember who our first crush was, we all remember our first best friend, etc. The first anything is always what we go back and compare our current situation to. And most of the time, the first is something that can't be beat.

So what does make a first love so interesting? I  honestly have no idea. But I can say that I still do think of the first person I feel in love with, a lot more than I would like to admit. And I think it;s the innocence around it all that we all want to go back to. When you fall for the first time, it;s the first, there is no ex to think about. It's just you and the person you're in love with, no bad history, nothing to be afraid of. But once it is over, we are afraid to be hurt by someone again, we become cautious around the ones that we might potentially fall in love with, and that stops us from loving as wholeheartedly as the first person. And every time we fall for someone after that, although the relationship may be perfect, we are still somewhat guarded, afraid that once again we might be hurt.

-J

A Glass of Wine for One?

So as most of you guys know Valentine's Day is coming up! For all the couples out there I am extremely happy that you guys have found someone special to you. For all the single ladies (me included), let us not spend this day feeling lonely. We all know that just because it's Valentine's day doesn't mean that the guy we like only loves us on this one day of the year. If they truly loved us, they would love us all year long (this goes to all you taken guys and girls as well!) We live in the 21st century, a girl can also ask a girl out, right? Heck yes! so all you girls out there, maybe the guy is too shy to ask, give it a shot, you never know till you do it right? And as I'm saying this, I will let you know that I have no intentions of telling H how I feel for the moment yet. That is something I will keep to myself a little longer unfortunately, I'm still working some feelings out. But I do hope to get some news about that to you guys sometimes soon, I know one particular reader that seems to want news about him :P (you know who you are). But all this set aside, although I'm not doing anything special on this Valentine's Day doesn't mean that I will be spending it feeling lonely.

Although seeing all the happy couples around me does make me sad, like it does every year. This year I know that although I'm not in a relationship I know that there is someone out there who thinks about me and worries about me (and no it is not a family member). An actual guy, someone who will remain letterless. But this person is very nice to me, and although we might not have romantic feelings for one another, I'm glad that I have a support at the moment. So thank you for that.

What I think about Valentine's Day is that it is just commercial holiday, like I've said before, you should be letting the person you like know that you love them everyday, not one day of the year because your calender and society says so. But that doesn't mean I don't want to receive flowers or roses on that day :P

So now you must be wondering why I have the title I have. Well this title is because I got a bottle of wine from H and SB on my birthday and I have yet to drink it. I don't know when I will, but when I do, it will probably be alone, maybe on Valentine's day (I kid). I guess, I was hoping I would be able to share it with either one of them, but clearly that won't be happening any time soon...

Till next time :)

-J

Me, Myself & I

I've noticed that I am not as nice as people believe me to be. I'm not the kindhearted person people think I am. Or I can be, but I don't feel like I am. I see in myself a selfish person, someone who always puts her best interest in front of others, but I also know that that isn't necessarily true either. If one of my friends need help, I will help. I don't always need some "prize" at the end of something. Sometimes helping someone is the prize.

That set aside, I know I still am a selfish person. Although I just stated that somethings are done just for the sake of helping the thing is, I go into it thinking "Ohh, well how will doing _____ help me?" I've also noticed that most of the conversations I have with people revolve around myself. I seem to like talking about myself, but everything I say comes out as a complaint. I barely ever say anything positive about myself. There is always something wrong, my grades, my looks, my friend, my crush, always something for me to complain about. And I feel like I burden people with this useless information. But sometimes I feel like I just have to be the center of attention (although oddly enough, the thought of having the spotlight on me scares me).

I also try to keep things, and not share them (not always though, somethings are too good to be kept to myself), but sometimes I get possessive over people. If I know someone who I find is really special to me, I want them to pay all their attention on me and not someone else. I don't want their attention to wonder. I just want to be their most important person. Now it may seem that I'm talking about guy friends, but I'm also talking about the girls, I have trouble "sharing" friends sometimes cause I know that I'm not the most interesting person around. I guess I'm just afraid to loose people. Well, it's no guess, I know I have trouble saying bye to people, and letting go of people as well. But what I'm getting at is that I want people to see me as boring and just leave me.

I feel like sometimes, without really noticing I put myself down so others will say something nice to make me feel better about myself, kind of like reassurance that I'm not as bad as I think I am. Now you may be thinking that I do it for other peoples' pity, but I don't. I don't like being pitied. I think I do it as a way of letting me know what other people think of me. Although I know that most of the time it's more of them being nice than telling the truth.

But I am glad that I have the friends I do, they like me the way I am, self-centered or not. And I know that when they compliment me, it's sincere. they don't say things just because I want to hear it. They say it cause they mean it.

And there is always that one person who says the nicest things to me, and I know he means it from his heart. And all those things have helped me gain some confidence. So thank you ♥

-J

Friends

A friend is described by the Merriam-Webster dictionary as "one attached to another by affection or esteem". And I find that friends are very important people in our lives. I believe that every person has one friend, no matter what they believe, and what is amazing about friends is that they come in all forms and sometimes in the most unexpected places. And what is amazing about it is that you make them through emotions, you connect with your friends through shared emotions or common interests.

We make friends when we are mad, sad, happy, lost, and in all stages of our lives, young or old. We all appreciate company from people who truly care about us. However we have to remember that there are several types of friends. Friends can be like family, they can be like brothers and sisters, but family can also be friends. You can treat your brother/sister like a friend. I know I treat mine like friends :). 

But coming back to friends, we have different kinds, we have the ones that we see all the time, the ones that we do everything with and tell everything too. This group of friends usually consist of a little group of people usually from 1-4 friends, usually referred to as out best friend(s). 

Then we have friends, who are the people you hang out with a lot, but don't tell everything to, this can be anyone from a simple classroom friend to a work friend. Just someone you enjoy being around and that you have common interests with.

Then there are other friends, friends you don't see all the time, but when you do, you feel like you've been with them the whole time you were apart. The friends that you feel like you've known forever and can trust even though you have just met... 

Then there are the friends that use you for various things, homework, a fill in for someone else, a person that you can get things through... those are the friends that you want to let go of, the ones you know won't be there for you when you need them the most, the ones that will drop you in the blink of an eye and never look back.

The ones you want to keep forever are the ones that you know will be there for you forever, the ones that you enjoy being around, and the ones that you trust and hold dear to you heart, and most importantly they feel the same way about you. Unfortunately, we don't usually know which friends are true and which are false until something bad happens. I know I knew who my friends were when I was stuck in the situation with BF, my true friends stayed with me while I cried and complained for a long time, and the others simply left me alone and observed. There is also when I have my depression episodes, my true friends would stay with me and tell me that it's all good, and that I am perfect no matter what others may say about me or what I may even think about myself.

I am very grateful to have the friends I have at the moment, my true friends who are always going to be there for me, and I will always be there for them as well. Right now my close friends that I never want to be separated from can be counted with one hand, and I want to keep it that way, I like the close knit circle I have created with my friends, although one of these friends are not close with the others, I still cherish him, and hope that I will never loose him, because I know loosing him would break my heart. Maybe not as greatly as with my other friends, because loosing them will mark me forever. But he is still very special. He is the one I can trust with anything and the one that gives me advice straight from his heart, he doesn't give me what I want to hear, he gives me what I need to hear. 

So since I know most of the close friends mentioned in this post will be reading this, I want to say thank you for being my friend and sticking with me through all my ups and downs, all my moments, both bad and good. Thank you for being there for me.  You guys love me for who I am, no matter how ridiculous, you guys help me be true to myself and help me see who I truly am, even if I don't see it most of the time. You guys are like the light that cuts through the fog, and help me get to the other side safe and sound. You guys are truly the greatest friends I have, and I hope I have been there for you as much as you have been for me.

And to that one other friend, I know you'll probably never see this, but I hope I never loose you no matter what happens. I may be selfish for wanting to keep you, but you are truly one of the people that have kept me grounded in the past month and the one I've trusted with the secrets I may have never told anyone else. Thank you for being the shoulder I can lean on and the rock to keep me grounded. You will probably never understand how much I appreciate having a friend like you. You listen to all my little stories and complaints and know how to make me see the bright side of things. Thank you.

-J

What is Perfect?

I've been wondering what it means for someone to be perfect... What goes into calling someone perfect? Is it their long flowing hair, perfectly symmetrical face, having a size 0 waist, being tall, having a nice eye color, having a nice physique, being rich? Why do we call so many people out there perfect?

Perfect is defined by the Merriam-Webster dictionary as "being entirely without fault or defect" i.e. flawless. What makes someone flawless? We all have problems, someone that is rich is not the happiest person on Earth, and the same goes with someone who is extremely beautiful or handsome. The person may seem like they have it all, looks, money, friends, a career, a car, a boat, etc. but how are we to know if they are happy? Is perfect even possible? Well, we might think so, but once the "perfect" product is made, there will always be another product that will beat it, surpass our expectations. The same goes for people, 50 years ago, what society considered perfect is not the same as it is today, nor will it be the same 50 years from now... So is perfection relative to our perception? If someone is perfect in my mind, are they also perfect in your mind, and the mind of millions of others?


I've found people whom I thought were perfect, but building people up to that image of perfection and keeping them there is hard. When you find one flaw in a person everything comes apart, the magic is gone, and you are left with not a perfect being, but a human being. So is the adjective of being "perfect" only truly reserved for the Gods and Goddesses? Or is there somewhere out there a perfect human being, someone who has all the looks, all the money, all the friends (true friends, not false), no self torment, no regrets, a genuine and honest person, who has never done one wrong thing in their life? I would have to believe not, because the more perfect someone seems the more dark secrets they may have hidden behind their smile. I'm not saying that every seeming to be perfect person has a deep dark secret that will never see the light of day, no I am saying that we all have secrets. I'm not perfect, not even close and I have enough secrets to keep you thinking for a life time. Some secrets are known by my closest friends, others are not. We all have something to hide, but it's nothing to be afraid of.


The closest I have ever encountered that comes to perfection is a dear friend that I have recently made. Now for this post, not even a letter will be revealed. But this person seemed to have it all, the brains, the looks, the smile, the personality, the friends, the experiences, everything. However as I came to learn, this person was not as happy as they let on.They had their own troubles and self conflicts. And although I now know that this person is not "perfect" I still respect them and look up to them. So in my mind is this person still perfect, or are they simply a person I can relate to? 

Tell me what you guys think.


-J

What is a Girl to Do?

What is a girl supposed to do when the guy she likes asks her who she likes? Obvious answer may be to tell him who you really do like, right? Or is it to play it cool and pretend it's someone else?  Well regardless of what a girl is to do, it's an awkward situation to be stuck in. It's not something most people like to be in, because a) it makes you wonder why they're asking, b) if you're not ready to tell, you have no way of replying properly, and c) that means they think they know who you have a crush on. All of these situations might play together, or maybe one of them applies to you, but I can tell you from experience, it's not easy to get out of if you don't have the guts to tell they guy how you feel about them.

You see this is what happens to me, I get into really deep conversations with H, and these conversations always make me think really hard on how he might feel about me. Cause he may compliment me on a lot of things and he might bring my mood up, and occasionally flirt with me, but that's only my side of the story. I have NO idea how he might actually feel about me. I'm going on guesses and feelings and hope. If you've been reading all of my posts, you know that I like H and that we have our little moments at times, but last night we were talking about our celebrity crushes, and when I named Patrick Chan, he instantly thought about AA, and he told me that there are figure skaters in our school and that I don't have to think about someone I don't know. This bothered me, so I replied "He's not my type," and oddly enough he said that he had a feeling. Then went on to ask me what my type was. I answered, and right after answering, I knew that I had somehow described him, and I wondered if he knew. But then we talked about how we have the tendency to fall for friends. He called me both smart on dumb on that part, bu then admitted that he is the same. Maybe one day I should ask him who he likes :P , that would be a hell of a fun time... or would it? I guess it depends on the answer I would get from him.

But I do know that I'm special to him, whether it be as someone of interest or simply as a friend. He has told me on multiple occasions that I am irreplaceable to him, that it is not the same when I am not around, and that if the island of Montreal sank like Atlantis, that he would try his hardest to save me (even though we live about an hour away from each other by car with no traffic), along with other little things as well. Today I also went to W's Anatomy class, which H is part of, and instead of sitting with SB (which I think is his best friend) he came and sat with W and me instead.

I've decided to give this quote a try "When a guy likes you... he'll text you a lot, stay up every night with you, compliment you, and always have time for you." (x) I've done 2 test runs, I decided I would no text him or be the first to start a conversation with him on Skype. The first time didn't work out, cause we made plans and I ended up cancelling them, so I had to tell him somehow, so I texted him. The second time worked out pretty well, I didn't text or talk to him all of Friday and Saturday along with most of Sunday. He ended up messaging me last night, and that is how this post came to be. He messaged me simply to see how I was, and we ended up talking about anything and everything. And if this quote hold true, it means he likes me. Well I can hope right? He does text me a lot though, even when we have nothing to talk about, we stay up on Skype talking about nothing, he always compliments me somehow and he always finds time to help me out or hang out with me when I ask.

Though it looks like I am the only on that makes plans, at least I know he makes an effort to tlak to me when I don't :P

-J

Decisions, decisions....

Hey guys, so I've been thinking about who I like the past few days and letting things play out, and I can honestly tell you it has no been easy. I haven't seen SB for over a week, but the thing is, I don't miss him. Maybe it's cause we were never that close, but I don't think about him all the time. I don't even get the urge to text him... Maybe I never liked him in the first place and it was just cause he was cute :)

I can say that the guy I like is H, he's been on my mind a lot. I keep thinking of him, getting the urge to text him whenever I can, make plans to hang out with him (do I sound annoying?). I mean he's just so sweet to me all the time, and he's willing to listen to my problems and everything. I think that's why I like him. He's willing to accept me for, well me. He doesn't judge me, he's just so nice . No matter what I do that may sound stupid, he doesn't judge, he gives his insight on the subject, but I know that he isn't judging me while he's saying whatever it is he's saying. And what people about that one person who can make you smile no matter what, well for me, at this moment, he's that guy. When I'm talking to him, when I see him, when I text him, I can't help but smile. Out conversations always leads to me laughing, and my mood lifting.

The only thing is, I don't know how he feels about me. I mean I feel like he likes me, but then I doubt myself and ask "Why would he like me out of all people?" I know I may sound like I'm exaggerating, but that question seriously pops into my head. He's smart, nice, kindhearted, childish, a joker, a sweetheart, a good listener, patient, understanding, and a million other good qualities, I'm not kidding, I'm not blinded by love, I've noticed this from before I started liking him. And as an added bonus, he knows how to play the guitar, sing and cook! Everything you want in a guy, wrapped up in him!

I really want to know how he feels about me though, I want to know if he ever thinks of me the same way as I do. I want to know if he thinks of me as often as I think of him. I want to know if I even have a shot in him, is he even interested in me? But what am I supposed to think when he's so nice to me, and is willing to listen to listen to all my problems without complaining about it. Who tells me I'm pretty and that I'm a star and that any guy would be lucky to have me. Someone who is willing to tell me everything they know about love and how they feel about their past relationships? How can I not like someone that is so open with me, and lets me in (when he told me that he has told no one else about how he feels).

But then again, it might just be me. Because he does ask who I like. Maybe because he's interested and wants to know if he's got competition, or maybe cause he just cares and doesn't want to see me get hurt. Whatever the matter, I just know that I like him, and I wish I had the courage to tell him how I feel and not be afraid to get rejected and have a guarantee that no matter what the outcome, we will still be friends...

-J

What Is Love?

What is it about love that makes us want it so bad? What id it about love that makes us want to be loved and be in love? Is it the fact that we feel special in someones eyes? The fact that we feel like we are always happy and nothing can go wrong? That perfect feeling we have when we're with that one special person? But when it comes down to it, what is love?

Different people would probably give different answers, some people might answer "love is a feeling", whole others will say "it's a connection between two people". But is love really that simple? Can it even be described? Well, I don't think so, but I might as well give it a shot right? What the heck, what do I have to lose? So here goes nothing...

I think love is a connection between two people, but it's deeper than that. It's this familiar feeling you have with someone even though you just met. It's that comforting feeling you have when you're around someone, that warm feeling you get in your chest and those butterflies you can't help but feel in your stomach. It's that sense of being totally protected when that person is in your presence, that feeling that no matter what happens, they will be able to protect you from it. The secret smiles, all the little things, hugs, smiles, laughs, jokes, gifts, being there for you. That's what love is made of, the willingness to be with someone no matter what because you see the good in them, and they see the same in you. That connection you have that is stronger than racism, stereotypes, skepticism, judgement and sometimes common sense. It's being with someone, physically or emotionally. It's that shoulder to cry on, to lean on. That face that makes you smile from across the room, or even that picture you stare at until you fall asleep. In my head, that's what love is. It's not a sacrifice, not a pain (well okay sometimes), not an obligation... Love is natural, sweet, and unexpected. You find love when you least expect it, and that's what's so wonderful about it.

Well that's what I have to say about love. Can you tell that I'm falling for someone? Maybe you can, maybe you can't. All I know is I can't get someone off my mind... and well this is part of what I feel for them.

-J

Opening Thoughts

 It took me a while to figure out what I wanted to post as my first post on this blog. I wanted it to be a preview of what sort of posts can be expected from my blog. So after a while of thought, I thought, why not use the work that inspired the title of this blog, "Nothing but Words and Letters". I thought it would be a good idea, since this is the kind of thing I will be posting, although not as lengthy.

This blog is going to be used to tell some real life stories, and real life issues I might be having. Some of the thoughts may be dark at times, but that's thoughts right? They are random, and don't define us at 100%.

The contents of this work is something I wrote a few days ago, but the letters that represent people have been changed to conceal the identity of the people I'm writing about,both for them, and so I don't get my ass kicked when they read something bad about themselves. It might get confusing, but it's a rant I had to get out, so here it is:

Do you know what it’s like? To feel alone, isolated? To feel like you have nothing even though you have everything?

I’m not saying I have everything; no I’m not even close. I’m just a clueless 18 year old girl, trying to do everything right, and somehow surviving in this place. I’m nothing special, average looking, maybe slightly overweight, brown eyes and hair. There is nothing noticeably wowing about me. I’m just the ordinary girl next door type of gal. I’m not the smartest, prettiest or the loudest girl around. I’m just me, trying to get by life without having anything too major happen to me. But lately, I feel like everything is happening to me. I haven’t “liked” a guy since the whole Thing with D, and to be honest, I wasn’t really looking around after that. It was such a big betrayal; I felt like I would never really like a guy again, not that I’m lesbian or anything like that. But recently, I think that I may be falling for someone again, and the thought of it scares me, not just a little bit, but a lot. My friends are happy for me. But I can’t help but feel more alone than I have for a long time.

This guy, he’s nice, smart, considerate, kind, joyful, he makes me smile a lot, knows what to say to make me happy... seems like the perfect guy right? Well maybe not, I’ve made this mistake so many times before. I don’t think it’s a mistake, but judging from my past history of relationship (which is non-existent) it may as well be. I always get close to the guys I like; they become a sort of a best friend, a safety rock of sorts. And every time, I just set myself up for disappointment. Like with U, we were best friends, even more than best friends, he was like a brother, but I didn’t just like him like a brother. I truly loved him, and he was my first love. We spent almost all of our time together and we never thought much about it, it was just right to us. I liked him for a lot longer than he liked me, but nothing ever happened, because we were best friends and things would have just been weird. But I ended up losing him, and it seems like he never looked back on what happened. I feel like I’m the only one that still cares about what we used to have, compared to the nothing we have left now. Sometimes I wish I could just rewind time and spend those carefree days with him, just sitting in each other’s company and not doing anything, just enjoying each other’s presence. I know this might sound weird, I mean who wants to just spend time with someone from their past? But I do, I miss him so much. He used to be the one I told everything to, the one I was not afraid to be myself around, the one that I could trust with any secret I had. But I lost him, and I don’t think I’ve trusted anyone else quite the same since. I have to admit not even some of my closest friends.

Even with my closest and dearest friends, I don’t tell them everything, and this is because of one person, BF. She was one of my best friends in high school, and she betrayed me, this has to do with D, and the whole thing may be blown out of proportion by me, but come on, I’m a girl that got back stabbed, and by a best friend to say the least, I think I have the right to freak about it. So what happened was I was crushing on D, now that I think about It, I wasn’t crushing on him that bad, but enough to feel pretty attached to him. And my best friend BF knew I was crushing on him. You see she was dating someone at the time, but I knew that she was always looking around, always trying o find a new guy to play around with. And she decided to hook up with D, when she knew that I liked him, and him? Ohh, he knew I liked him and he knew that I was best friends with BF, and he still chose to do this to us. Yes, I can easily put all the blame on him and leave it at that, but life would not stop there, I also found out that she had never broken up with her old boy friend although she had told me that she had. And to be honest, I don’t even know how I forgave her after this incident, I mean all she had to do was say no. It’s really not that hard. But she was a bitch and I was the idiot that forgave her for what she did. I can’t say I really ever forgave her, because I’ve hated her for a while now. But until recently, I still tolerated her, but now I really just can’t anymore, just seeing her pisses me off. So I’ve decided to terminate that friendship, because it’s a friendship I would rather not have to deal with right now.

It’s hard for me to end friendships, I have an attachment issue. I never want to give up on someone I care about. It’s one of the hardest things for me to do. I cry when I know I’m about to lose a friend, or when I actually do lose a friend. I know I may not seem like I care if certain people are still my friends or not, but I do. I still think about U all the time and D as well and maybe even a little bit of another crush E. It’s hard when one day this person is always with you, you think on the same link and the next day they are gone. This brings me to another dear friend of mine T. She was a really good friend of mine, we met in High School and we were friends for the longest time, we had so many things in common with each other, we liked the same things, did the same things, we even had matching clothes sometimes. We were able to finish each other’s sentences and we knew exactly what the other person was thinking. But we got into fights the last year of High School, and ever since then we haven’t been as close. She got close to my friend M, and nothing has been the same ever since, we started to drift further and further apart. I don’t even talk to her anymore. I don’t know anything about her anymore either, I didn’t know she had a crush on anyone, I didn’t know about her boyfriend, I had no idea what was going through her head. It was like we were strangers. And I miss her so much, I feel like she was a sister I never had, and now she’s gone and all I have are memories. And once again, I wonder if she ever thinks about me, or of the times we had together, the laughs, the tears, the fights... any of it.

M, she is a whole different story. She’s nice and sweet, but she can also be a two face. She would tell you one thing and turn around and say something totally different. What I liked about her is that she was honest and when she was your friend, she was really your friend, she would help you out all the time, back you up if you needed it, lend an ear, the whole works. But we had our fights, and she knows how to hold a grudge. I got her mad a lot and we had our ins and outs. But I feel like she was sister as well, I told her a lot and she would tell me lots too. We would spend hours on the phone and hours out as well. But she was always distant at some points, like she no longer wanted to be friends, but then once you had enough time to notice, she would be back at your side, helping you out and acting as if nothing had happened. But you know that something has happened. I feel like she just used me when she had no one else around to be with, like I was a substitute friend or something. Like I never really meant much to her and she could just walk in and out of my life as she pleased. But I know that deep down, she does consider me as a friend and she does worry about me sometimes. She did take one of my best friends, CC from me though.

CC and I have been friends since we were in grade 1, we go way back. We were best friends in grade 1, and then reunited in grade 4, and have been fiends ever since then. To say that M took her from me is unfair, they are really good friends and they did met without my help, but sometimes it feels like it, cause M is Asian like I am, I feel like I just kind of got replaced. But CC is super sweet and naive, but she has also changed into a person I don’t know that well anymore. I don’t mean to sound like I’m judging her, but she lost her virginity before the age of 18, she’s smoking pot and she’s drinking a lot. I feel like I don’t know her anymore... Based on what you’re read so far, it seems like I do nothing but lose friends, and hey maybe that’s what I do with my life without realizing it.

But, I know I have really good friends like BB, W and O. I can rely on them for almost everything. They are always there for me. The help me with issues with guys, they don’t judge me unless it’s jokingly, but each of them do have their faults, just like everyone else. BB is sort of the clueless one of the group. She’s really funny, but when you need advice, she’s not the best person to get it from; her responses are basically “lol”, “ohh” and “ahh”. But she is a really sweet girl that’s willing to help you no matter what. I feel somewhat protective of her, and I always hope nothing bad happens to her. I admire her for her strength, I feel like she’s been through so much, and she still comes across confident and proud of who she is. Then there is W, she’s super smart and super pretty, although she doesn’t admit to it. But she’s really smart and once her mind is set, it won’t change. She’s BB’s best friend. I feel like she doesn’t tell me much, but that’s just how she is. Lately I feel like she’s been mad at me though, but I don’t know what I might have done wrong. But we will get over it, I’m confident about that. And then there is O, she is smart as well, not as pretty as W, but still pretty. She has a boy friend and she’s got the brains. She seems like life is so perfect for her, like she’s got everything figured out for her life, and she seems so carefree about it all. I’m running around like a chicken that’s lost its head and she’s got her head on tight. I’m jealous of her cause of that. I feel like I’m stuck in my life, not knowing where I’m going to go, and not knowing where I have to go.

That’s another problem with me. I never know what I want in life. I do one thing, never finish and I would switch, never finishing what I intended. This brings me to the guy I’m currently crushing on. I like him, but I’m not sure if I like like him. The thing is we don’t know each other that well, sure we tell each other a lot of personal things, but other than that, I feel like I barely got to know him, and I’m the type of girl to like a guy because I know him very well. He seems to be the exception. Wait let me give him a name, he’s H. So H is a really nice guy, he’s smart, he’s decided, humble, genuine, sweet, a romantic, a joker, carefree, all the good qualities you look for in a guy. I haven’t found a fault in him other than him being hung over his ex, but I mean he has the right to be after dating her for three and a half years. The things about him is that he’s always flirting with me, calling me a star, complimenting my personality, telling me I’m pretty, I’m cute and that I’m a catch and any guy that lets me go is a fool. And I feel like he likes me too, but I’m not sure, because he also just got over a crush (a girl I really didn’t like by the way). But I feel like with him, I can never be too sure. I really do hope he likes me, and just writing this is getting my heartbeat up. But regardless of if he likes me back or not, I like him, and I think I just kind of made it official to myself these past two days. My friends have seen something between us, well; they also saw something between me and this other guy SB, but he’s a story for the next paragraph. With H, I feel like I can almost tell him everything, and he will guard my secrets. Maybe that’s why I’ve told him so many of the things that are bothering me. But I also like spending time with him, just being around him calms me, and I like talking to him once in a while, and he knows how to cheer me up and make me laugh and make me feel confident about myself. And like I said before, he flirts with me, and he makes me feel special. And I think that’s why I like him; he knows how to make me feel special compared to others, even with my lack of confidence. And I kind of knew I liked him the day I found out about his previous crush, it made me really sad and I wanted to cry. I didn’t really understand it at that point because it didn’t really occur to me that I liked him, but I think that was my first hint. And when I found out he no longer liked her, I was just so happy. There are things that I can’t explain, and I feel like our connection is one of them, how we just trust each other so much, without really knowing one another. But I’m afraid that if I do something stupid, I’m going to lose him as a friend, and I really don’t want that to happen. He’s a good friend, and the connection I have with him, that connection with a guy, I haven’t felt for a long time, well since U actually, and this might be a different feeling all together. But I definitely know I like him. And whether he feels the same or not, I just want to keep spending time with him.

Then comes SB, that connection with H, I was talking about before. Well I have one with SB as well. We just met about 3 months ago, and I feel super comfortable around him. Yes, three months may seem like a lot of time, but trust me; it was about 2 months of “hi, how are you?” and walking away, not three months of being best friends. But we did become friends really quickly, and from what I gather about SB, he is very shy around people he’s just met. He would be real quiet and just sit and stare, but around me, we seemed to start talking once we actually got together and sat in the same place. And I know we have some sort of unexplained connection, because I don’t usually feel this comfortable around people this easily either. But with him I do, not as comfortable as around H, but comfortable enough to be the real me around him. And I like spending time with him too. He’s nice and sweet, although a tad childish, but I like it. But as I’m realising now, I’m not crushing on him like I thought I’ve been before. He’s just a good friend that I like being around. Not to mention helpful around exam time. But he is one person I would like to continue to get to know and build a strong friendship with.

The thing with SB and H is that they are best friends and they are almost always together. I never get SB without H, but I do get H without SB. I know weird and confusing, but that’s not the point I’m trying to make. The point is, they talk about me. I would tell one person something (non personal) and the other person would know within the next 24 hours. It’s like they were girls, like what I do with my friends when I’m talking to a guy. I would give them snippets of my conversations with them. That’s what I feel like H and SB are doing. And this lead people I tell (including my mom) that one of them likes me. But I’m not sure which, because I don’t know either that well. SB did offer me to sit on his lap, but maybe that was a moment thing, and he did come to my birthday although he was pretty sick. And H is always asking me who I like and sometimes asking if it’s SB. But then this lead me and others to believe that a) SB may like me and wants H to find out or b) H likes me and want to know who I like. It’s complicated with them... but life is what it is, and if anything happens with either of them, I think I would go for it.

-J