A Shoulder to Lean On

You know when you have a good friend? And you know that no matter what, they have a shoulder for you to cry on or lean on? Well, today I found one, well, I always knew it was there for me, but I realized today that I like this shoulder A LOT :P. It was comfy, like a pillow, and fit like a glove (does that make sense when I'm referring to a shoulder?) But anyways, yes, I found a shoulder to lean on. This shoulder belongs to H, now some of you guys may be rolling your eyes, and going of course it's him you doofus! You talk about him all the time! But remember I was having my doubts with him. I'm never sure if we're both in each others friend zones, or we might actually have something going on, and once again, I am kind of hopeless when it comes to guys. But today, I felt very comfortable leaning my head on his shoulders. I would usually feel awkward doing it, but it really didn't, it actually felt very natural to me. The thing is I've thought of doing this to people in the past, H, AA and maybe two others in my whole entire life. With AA it was just cause we were in class and I was tired, and he was sitting next to me, and it was 8AM and you know zzz... The same went for the other two guys. But with H, I've thought of it pretty often, but I've never done it till today. He started putting his head on my shoulder first, and then I did it. We just sat there like that, my head on his shoulder, his head on my head. And we were in public, at our volunteer thing. But it felt so natural, I have no other way of describing it, I don't know if it was awkward for him, but to me, it felt right. It wasn't awkward, it wasn't weird, I didn't feel like I shouldn't be doing it, it was just right. I really have no other way of describing it.

And ST just told me when we got home that she thought we looked cute together and that she thinks we would make a cute couple. This of course made me super happy, so thank you ST!

The only thing I hate though it that sometimes I feel like we have something, then I feel like it's not there the next day, but then I still enjoy my time being spent with him. And I know I said I would be okay if he dated someone else as long as we were friends, or at least I think I said that. I just realized today that I'm not. In no way would I want to see him with another girl. I know it's selfish of me, because he should be happy, but I know that I wouldn't be able to handle it. It would be too much for me. I realized this when we were with other girls, and seeing him with them made me jealous, it wasn't as bad before, but today, it just really hit home. And some of you may be thinking, but of course, after your whole head on his shoulder thing, you should feel jealous, but this happened before that. Usually I let it slide, but today I wasn't able to let it slide, it just really really bugged me.

This whole thing is just getting so complicated in my head, and I seriously wish I could just tell him how I feel, but I still don't feel ready, and at the same time, I don't know when the right time would be...

-J

Won't Give Up Yet!

Hey guys!

Sorry for my last post, I know it was a little depressing, but what can I say, I was in a bummed mood yesterday, although I shouldn't have been because I got very exciting news yesterday! I made it into my first choice university pick! I'm so excited about it! But I was also bummed yesterday. I talked it out with ST, so I'm good now. And just so I get this out, I am not giving up on H, too many people have said they see something between us for me to give up.

So I'm just going to start by saying that ST knew who I liked without me telling her... she is one good stalker (running joke between us). But she knew and told me that we have great chemistry, and that when we are both around she feels like a third wheel. I don't think we are that intimate around her as to exclude her from our conversations or make her feel uncomfortable. But then again I've had other friends tell me that we are extremely close. So maybe I am too deep int he friend zone, but whatever the case, we definitely have something, and right now I'm okay even if we just end up being friends for ever. I just want to keep him in my life. There is no way I'm going to let what happened with U, repeat itself with H.

But I'm not going to give up as long as I still feel special around him, and as long as he's single :P even if he were dating someone, I would be by his side, being his friend. Sad thought, but I would have been through worse.

Wish me luck!

-J

Maybe It's Time to Let Go...

So lately I've been talking to a few friends about H. I've been getting mixed opinions about or "relationship" for a lack of a better word. The thing is, I'm still as confused as ever about this, and I have no idea what to do.I mean, I want to tell him, but at the same time I don't want things to get weird between us if he doesn't feel the same way. I really don't see us going out, it's a sad thought, but it's true. The thing is, I do wish we can go out, cause a few people have said that we look very cute together, and the thing is we do totally click. But as O pointed out o me a while back, we may be too deep in the friend zone to do anything about it. I do have people telling me that they could see us going out, and even people I don't talk to much about guys. They say that they see some chemistry between us and that we are very cute around one another. We do get along and we like to joke around a lot, and the other day he kept hugging me randomly, but that may just he H, or the lack of blood due to blood donation. But it was nice, but I can't help notice that we haven't been talking as much lately, I feel like we are slowly drifting apart, but it's something so sudden. And if we are, I'm really not ready to let him go yet. When I see him with other girls, I get jealous, I admit it, I always wish the girl he was with was me. I just can't help my heart.

And no matter how much I tell myself we won't be together, I can't help but feel so special around him, and hope that we might actually work out.

-J

Happy Valentines Day! (or Single Awareness Day) ♥

Hey guys! So first of Happy Valentines Day to all the happy couples, and Happy Single Awareness Day to all the singles out there. And of course I still fall under Single Awareness Day.

So today really wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I expected a day full of self pity, no thanks to one of my friends who's getting over a break up. You see, when one of my friends is going through something I feel for them and think about them all of the time. Hence, I myself feel like I'm going through a break up. But today really wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Even the candy and hearts and teddy bears didn't bother me. Why? Because I myself received a Valentines Day present :) H gave me a VDay cookie :) It was a chocolate chip cookie in a tin with little candy hearts that said "Be Mine" in different languages. Of course I know it's not a gift of affection in that way, but he gave it to me nonetheless, although I refused to take it at first :P After I accepted it, he officially deemed me his Valentine. I shared the cookie though, so everyone who had a piece became his Valentine :P But still super sweet of him, and I secretly hope that maybe he did intend to give it to me and not have me share it.

 On the other hand, H and I are no longer in the friend zone, for those who don't know what that means, it means that you are only a friend int he eyes of someone, nothing more nothing less, you can also check this video out (x). A few weeks ago, we would still be saying "that's what friends are for," "you're a good friend," "you're one of the closer friends I have," "I only tell stuff like this to my closest friends." Now we never call each other friends, that was suddenly dropped for both of us. When we talk now, it's more like "You're one of the closest people to me right now," "You're the best," "I'll always be here for you." So out of the friend zone and into something new? I'm not sure, but one thing is for sure, our connection got way deeper since we're helping each other out with something very personal to one another. Who knows what might happen? I sure don't...

If you might have some advice, comments, anything, let me know. Anything may be helpful at this point.

-J